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President Addresses Nation on the Way Forward to Surging Back Towards Desperately Spinning the Clusterfuck That is Vietraq

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. In the life of all imperialistic military empires, there come brief, fleeting moments that decide the direction of a multinational corporation masquerading as a democratic nation, and reveal the character of its blue-blooded aristocrats, conniving religious hucksters and corrupt, back-slapping robber barons. We have now been suspended in such a moment for over six calendar years.

]]> We are tasked, those of us who vote, are intimidated into not voting, vote more than once at a time, or more importantly, have substantial stock holdings, to chose between triumphant, noble victory in Iraq or disastrous, humiliating defeat. Luckily, everything in life is just so black and white. Either you're for a peaceful Middle Eastern paradise fantasy conceived in an absurd bubble of historical revisionism and ignorance of human nature, or you're personally responsible for the bloody murder of all them Iraqazoids that will happen if Uncle Sam cuts and runs. And many will die, much the way hundreds of thousands of them have been dying since their liberation in 2003 from a dictator's deadly chokehold and into the deadly chokehold of a sham, democratically-elected, Shia-mob ruled government.

In light of recent testimony from untouchable warrior-bookworm General Petrolus, the surge is working, and it will continue to work. Peace is breaking out all over, especially in remote, uninhabitable swaths of useless Iraqi desert, thanks in large part to the military troop surge I done wink and nodded into existence eight months ago. The surge has done everything I hoped it would do, which was buy political time so I can pass the buck to whatever poor son of a bitch – or straight up bitch – occupies the Oval Office come 2008.

If you're a true patriot, one of the faithful who love America, then take pride in knowing that your President believes all of the cynical, ridiculous falsehoods he reads you off the teleprompter. If you're a Democrat, or thinking about voting Democrat in the upcoming elections, or a Republican without the balls to drown your conscience in a pint glass of single malt, then ask yourself: are you for the terrorists or against the soldiers?

Eight months ago, we adopted a new strategy to meet that objective, including a surge in U.S. forces that reached full strength in June. This week, General David Petrolus and Ambassador Ryan Crockershit testified before Congress about how that strategy is progressing. In their testimony, these men made clear that no bureaucrat in the history of bureaucracy has ever claimed that his or her bureaucracy is anything less than the most important and efficient department in the history of human society.

The premise of our strategy is that securing the Iraqazoid population is the foundation for all other progress – even if that foundation is built with the putrefying corpses of innocent civilians. For Iraqistazis to bridge sectarian divides, they need to feel safe in their homes and neighborhoods. They also need mass outpatient lobotomies and heavy duty Thorazine prescriptions to erase any memory of all those centuries of religious and tribal hatred.

For lasting reconciliation to take root, Iraqis must die. Lots of them. Only once we've killed the vast majority of them, and finally made that fake country invented by the Europeans scream "UNCLE," can we begin the slow process of remaking that entire region and passing out Outback Steakhouse franchises in Anbar Province.

Since the surge was announced in January, it has moved through several phases. First was the talking phase, where all I did was talk about surging, and how kick-ass surging would end up being. Then there was the phase where the Pentagon emotionally blackmailed soldiers into happily redeploying to Iraq in order to watch their comrades’ backs, as opposed to the corporate mercenaries of Blackwater who return to Iraq to watch their bank accounts surge. And finally there's the phase where we talk again, a little from me, and a lot from President-Elect-Of-The Future General Petrolus.

Anbar province is a good example of how our strategy is working. Last year, an intelligence report concluded that Anbar had been lost to al Qaeda. But we're slowly turning that hellhole into my adopted home state of Texas: we're arming everyone. Whipping out the Federal AmEx and passing out guns to whoever will play like they love Uncle Sam – and then letting God play referee as the bullets and shrapnel whizz.

Let me stress: I believe we should stay the surge. I believe that our mission gets even more accomplisheder every day. I believe that the war in Iraq will end the way it began – awesomely.
To the Iraqi people: You have voted for freedom, and while the freedom you voted for was freedom to partition your country along sectarian lines, we're going to focus on the whole "freedom" part, and just be happy that you're even getting that.

To Iraq's neighbors who seek peace: You need our money. You need our guns. So fucking shut the fuck up and do what we tell you. Also: the efforts by Iran and Syria to undermine that government must end, very soon, or we'll be giving you 48 hours to end said efforts.

To our military personnel, intelligence officers, diplomats, and civilians on the front lines in Iraq: You have done everything America has asked of you. Now just do some more please.

Some say the carefully selected statistical gains we are making in Iraq come too late. They are mistaken. It is never too late to deal a blow to al Qaeda. For instance: if I really, really wanted to, I could allocate proper military resources towards capturing or killing Barack Osama Hussein-Laden. It is never too late to advance freedom, and more importantly, the geopolitical goals of the multi-national corporations who I represent. And it is never too late to support our troops in a fight they can win. Although, for the record, it is too late for me to go back in time, accept the draft, serve my country with the working class I claim to speak for, and experience the bloody combat into which I blithely send other people's children to die.

Good night, and God bless America.

President's Remarks Preceding Moment of Compulsory Silence Commemorating Annual Orgy of 9/11TM Patrio-Grief

THE PRESIDENT: Please be seated. This morning, I'd like to take a moment to remind everyone that today happens to be the day after the day after that formerly taut jailbait cheerleader slutwich Britney Spears zombie-danced like a Twinkie sponge cake with eyes at the MTV RINGTONE AWARDS. OMG, it was truly outrageous. I mean, did you see Puff Ditty making that horror movie "O" face? (Laughs.) Oh yeah, and today's also the sixth anniversary of that 9/11^TM thing.

]]> As such, I'd like for all of you to take a moment of silence in order to think about all that you would have lost if you were one of the three thousand and change who got blowed up because a bunch of brainwashed Puerto Islamoricans got it up their asses that just because the cheaper-than-soda-pop oil our entire civilization runs on gurgles up in their back yards, then maybe they oughta be the bosses of us. As if.

Seriously, take a moment and imagine that you were one of those poor fucking bastards who worked in the World Trade Center, and make sure to hug your iPhones, TiVo, Crate & Barrel throw pillows, and SUVs extra tightly tonight. Because you never know when a great big jumbo jet full of screaming people is going to fall out of the sky and careen into your local Home Depot while you're shopping for interior latex to accent the crown molding in the third den of your new McMansion, the one with the mortgage you're going to default on any day now.

On this holiest of holy days, this fortuitous gift from the political gods, just remember that the only thing that stands between our society and having to take responsibility for our actions, appetites, and lifestyle is my thunder-bolt shaped Zeus cock.

I realize also that many of you have seen the video of a certain ethnic looking Voldermort motherfucker named Oooh-Samma telling y'all to come to the Dark Side, and to reject democracy because it totally doesn't work. I know the question you want to ask: "When the hell did Jeff Goldblum grow a beard?" I want to state fair and square to those fringe critics of my policies, who include but are not limited to fat cat Washington pundits, Limousine liberals, and almost 70% of Americans polled, that going after Saddam Hussein for the crimes of September 11th is just like going after the Nazis because of the Holocaust. Saddam Hussein brought those towers down, and that's why we went into Iraq to destroy his invisible nukular bombs, so that the terrorists wouldn't invade Florida D-Day style. Got it? It's so simple. Just nod.

When I recently visited the Iraqi province of Anbar, my first thought was "I sure am glad we landed here, and not that crumbling, bullet ridden death trap Baghdad!" When I visited Anbar, I was taken aback at how one man was able to tame Sunni tribesman, and turn them against the only people crazier than us Americans: Al Kada. He did this with the power of American Express, and promised those Sunni we'd stand by them as they inevitably go to war against the Shias who we've promised to stand by as they inevitably go to war against the Sunni, who we promised to... oh you get the idea. Then there are the Kurds, but they're so docile and nice, I call them "Dirt Canadians."

The man who managed to purchase a momentary, tactical downturn in violence is none other than your future president, General David Petraeus. This dude is so badass. I mean, here's a guy who's served in the military and seen combat, and he's actually RUNNING this war! Like, you can't buy that kind of credibility. I mean, I should know, my dad tried with me! The good general told all them congressdudes that the surge is working; that we can draw the peeps down next summer, that while counterinsurgencies can last nine to ten years, this here conflict can become a stalemate eight to nine and a half years long. IS THAT NOT THE MOST FABULOUS NEWS EVER!!!!

And so, on this day of loss I bring you news of victory: we shocked and awed them in order to destroy their weapons of mass destruction -- mission accomplished -- then we bravely fought them there, so we wouldn't have to fight them here, and I still believe that once the Iraqi army stands up, we will stand down.

Until then my fellow Americans, and I'm more or less quoting General Petrolus:

STAY THE SURGE!

STAY THE SURGE!

STAY THE SURGE!

Thank you and God Bless.

Transcript of President's Call of Support to Un-Resigning, Embattled Family Values Warrior Senator Larry Craig of Idaho

SENATOR LARRY CRAIG: Hello? Hello? I can't hear you.

THE PRESIDENT: Senator Craig? This is the President.

SENATOR CRAIG: Hold on, Mr. President, let me turn down my music.

THE PRESIDENT: What were you listening to, Larry?

SENATOR CRAIG: Oh, Patti Lupone's poignant rendition of "Memories" from Cats.

]]> THE PRESIDENT: Uh, yeah.

SENATOR CRAIG: To what do I owe the pleasure of your phone call, Mr. President? I have to admit, it is good to hear from you. I'm not getting many phone calls from my colleagues in the Republican Party, much less the President of the United States.

THE PRESIDENT: No need to thank me, Senator. I just thought I'd call you and lend you my support during these trying times. I fully support your decision to un-resign. I'm a believer in loyalty, in fact, the blinder and more myopic the better. I'm also a believer that it is unnecessary to resign a cushy, powerful political position just because you broke a law, admitted your guilt, revealed yourself as a grotesque hypocrite, resigned in disgrace, and a few days later decided to take back your resignation. I mean, you got responsibilities to your campaign contributors! Yours is a flip-flop I can respect.

SENATOR CRAIG: Sir, your character is on full display. You are a man of honor, and a great American.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Senator.

SENATOR CRAIG: How can I despair when a man such as you has my back?

THE PRESIDENT: And here's what those assholes in the press and the Republican sellouts don't seem to get: you've done a service for your country. Why, you've helped prove how disgusting faggotry can be. What a vile, disgusting, deviant lifestyle it is, where grown, married men tap their loafers and wave howdy to other men in public restrooms just for a chance to wash their faces in semen. By perpetuating the worst of homosexuality, you have totally overshadowed the millions and millions of healthy, stable, happy homos who make pretend they are husband and husband, or wife and she-walrus. Bravo.

SENATOR CRAIG: I'm not gay, Mr. President. But thank you.

THE PRESIDENT: Riiiiiiiiight. That's a big 10-4.

SENATOR CRAIG: Thank you. I knew you'd be one of the great Presidents the first time I saw you on the television, thrusting a grinding chainsaw deep into a thick, hard log. I remember watching you with my dear wife, whom I love with all of my heart, and telling her, "You can tell a man's character by how much he's willing to sweat to get what he wants." And you, Mr. President, were positively sticky with hot sweat.

THE PRESIDENT: Uh, yeah.

SENATOR CRAIG: Or what about that time you heroically strode the deck of an aircraft carrier like a virile Calvin Klein underwear model to declare that our mission in Iraq was accomplished? Oh, how you bulged with delicious greatness.

THE PRESIDENT: Anyway, I thought I'd call because I was thinking "Who's the one person as politically radioactive as yours truly?" I couldn't reach Mark Foley, so I thought I'd give you a ringy-dingy! That was a joke, Senator.

SENATOR CRAIG: I know it was, Mr. President, but I must confess: I feel betrayed by the GOP. It's like I've been stabbed in the back by a gang of grunting, animalistic men, thrusting their knives in and out of me, in and out, in and out…

THE PRESIDENT: I guess the point I'm trying to make is this, Senator. Us Republicans got to stick together. Just because you suck a little cock doesn't make you gay. You know? Just because you wrap your wrinkled lips around another man's dick while he squats on a shitter don't make you a homo. And for that matter, just because you sexually stalk young male interns doesn't make you a pedophile. And just because you sleep with hookers behind your wife's back doesn't make you an adulterer. And just because you served your cancer-ravaged wife divorce papers while she was withering on the IV vine doesn't make you a slimy, former Speaker of the House. And just because you emptied the US Treasury directly into the pockets of corrupt corporations doesn't make you a crook. And just because you slapped backs and dawdled while corpses bloated in the flooded streets of a major American city doesn't make you incompetent. And just because you wormed out of serving your country during a time of war doesn't make you a coward. And just because violence gives you such a raging hard on that you start an unnecessary war in order to further American business interests at the cost of thousands of lives doesn't make you a murderer. You are who you say you are. For instance, you're a happily married man.

SENATOR CRAIG: Yes, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: I cry sometimes, Larry.

SENATOR CRAIG: Excuse me, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: I said: sometimes I cry. I don't know why. But sometimes I look in the mirror after washing my face, and I cry.

SENATOR CRAIG: Don't be a fag, Mr. President.

[CLICK]

[END TRANSCRIPT]

President's Remarks to Super-Stoked Troops During Mega-Secret Photo Op in Increasingly Ultra-Safe Iraq

THE PRESIDENT: Howdy doody, fighting men and chickies of the United States of America! Three guesses as to who's jawing at you right now, smack dab here in the middle of the closest thing to hell on Earth there is – not counting the grounds of the US Capitol or the homo district of Massachusetts, which I think is called "Massachusetts". G'wan, GI Joes, El Jefe Supremo says GUESS!

SOLDIER #1: Is it the Angel of Death, sir?

]]> THE PRESIDENT: CLOSE!

SOLDIER #2: Is it my wife and kids who I haven't seen in over eight months, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: NO DICE!

SOLDIER #3: IS IT THAT FUCKING ARMY RECRUITER WHO TOLD ME I'D BE SERVING MY COUNTRY DRINKING RUM AND TANNING IN GUAM, SIR?

THE PRESIDENT: No. It's...

SOLDIER #4: HEY, WHEN'S THE PHOTO OP, MR. PRESIDENT? I'M THINKING A FRAMED PICTURE OF YOU AND ME SMILING WOULD LOOK GREAT ON TOP OF MY FLAG-DRAPED COFFIN!

THE PRESIDENT: That's right! It is me, Mr. President hisself! You done guessed correctly! Now, I command you to whoop up fer yer ol' Commander In Chief! That's an order!

[WHOOPS & CHEERS!]

THE PRESIDENT: STOMP YOUR FEET AND PUMP YOUR FISTS! THASS AN ORDER!

[FEET STOMP & FISTS PUMP]

THE PRESIDENT: NOW CRY AND CLAW YOUR FACES WITH ORGIASTIC ECTASY! AND THAT IS A DOUBLE PLUS DEFCON FOUR ORDER!

[TEARFUL WAILS & AND ORACULAR ORGASMS OF OBEDIENCE]

You love me, you really, really love me.

Now, don't y'all fall to your knees and thank me: cutting my three month summer vacation short and visiting the largest, most bold-faced boondoggle in American history is the least I can do. And don't get me wrong, I was all safe in snug on location in my Hollywood bunker in Crawford. After all, it was me and Dick and all my boys who had the hot boner to prove that capitalism and war were not only compatible, but complementary. Which is how we got it now: the War On Terror is good for business, good for my personal self esteem, and good for Americans, or rather, the 99% of Americans who won't ever have to see or smell a sidewalk smeared with meaty human entrails baked by the desert sun.

See, I hoofed it here to Anbar province to prove that it is as safe as a Sunday night Methodist spaghetti dinner. Hell, once upon a time, this worthless swath of land was just one giant used tampon sodden with the blood of Islamazoid terrorists, sundry innocents, and… well, y'all. But now, I can just traipse in here like I own the place, which is partly true, except that it's the American taxpayer than done owns this awesome future real estate opportunity. While I scan the horizon, I can see the future of Iraq, and that future is: Wal-Mart, Olive Garden, and Jiffy Lube. Why, with the full brunt of the American security machine – which includes the US Military and the corporate mercenary industry I call "Warbucks" – bearing down on this soon-to-be-paradise where I stand, I feel safe enough to tear off my knickers and take a hot piss on a pile of bones out here in the open! I mean, I brought my whole Death Team here! Condi's here, the white guy who's not Condi but does all the things Condi did before she went to the Department of Lame-Ass Talk is here, and that killjoy Gates is here.

Shit, if you took out my entire entourage, the world might be plunged into PEACE. So my point is: ain't this transparent, late-term campaign stop cocky as shit of me?

I'm here to remind you, and more importantly, the fat-assed Baby Boomers whose tastes in truth comes in convenient, impotently stuttering Democrat and absurdly morally blinded Republican flavor, that this here war ain't going nowhere. Clock is ticking, and I'm in it to win it, catch my drift? This war is our deformed Frankenstein baby, and so long as it poops American lives into our national diaper, I'm there to change it, and let it suckle from my oil secreting third nipple.

Maybe after we start carpet bombing the Iranians back to the stone age, albeit a nukular armed stone age, y'all will forget Iraq lickety split. Just the way y'all forgot about that other war… the one over there… where we fought the people who probably flew planes into buildings or something…

I'm here to remind you that the war in Iraq is just like Vietnam, and World War II, with a dash of Panama and just a hint of Grenada. If we lose this war, then the Nazi-Cong win and before you know it, every new American will be some kind of Communist mulatto-fag baby.

I don't make my decisions like they make decisions in Washington. Those spineless fat cats spend their time mindlessly watching the polls, basing their decisions on what the people say and feel and not on their own conscience. Some people see the glass as 70% full of Americans who want to cut and run from a poorly conceived and executed war of opportunity, and some people see the glass as 30% full of people who have money directly invested in the War on Terror. I'm the latter, yo?

Let me also say this: I want to bring y'all home. But the Surge is working – the same way sticking your dick in a boat will keep it from sinking. I'm also here to say that I have thought about maybe sort of talking to folks about the vague, distant possibility that perhaps some of you, not all, can come home and try to rebuild your lives. But don't quote me on that… unless you're on CNN or MSNBC. And even then, don't even think about holding me to it.

Thank you, and may God Bless Bush America.

President Bush Holds Fruitful Meeting With All-New, Refreshingly Submissive Ruler of Insufferably Snotty Frogs

THE PRESIDENT: President Sarkozy, welcome to Kennebunkport.

SARKOZY: Merci, Monsieur Bush! C'est pour moi un privilège de visiter votre magnifique demeure!

THE PRESIDENT: Ummmm... what? Listen, cut the "voolay voo kooshay aveck mwah" blah-blah, OK Jacques-Pierre? You know what they say: "When in Rome, speak American."

]]> SARKOZY: But of course. I vas merely saying zat eet eez an honor to be here at ze famous "Walker's Point". Who would have thought zis day would come, no? A Frenchman at ze home of ze Bushes? Mon Dieu!

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, whatever. This was my old man's idea. He's still got a major boner for this foreign policy crapola, and he said we had to invite you, for diplomatical reasons. Know what I mean, Kozy?

SARKOZY: Oui-oui. But vat eez zis "Koh-zee"?

THE PRESIDENT: That's my nickname for you. Kozy. Like koozie. You know what a koozie is?

SARKOZY: Non.

THE PRESIDENT: It's like a little foam rubber cooter that that you jimmy your brew-ha-ha bottle inside to keep it cold.

SARKOZY: Ahhhhh. I see. You know, I so enjoying my vacation here in ze "Nouvelle Eengland"! C'est très joli ici!

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah. Small talk. Great. So remind me once again – why is it I shouldn't smash in your face for being a big French asshole?

SARKOZY: Because, Monsieur – la Belle France and America are ze best amis! Because it was ze France zat invented ze Democrazy, no? And because it was ze France zat helped America in ze revolution against ze British, no?

THE PRESIDENT: (Rolls Eyes) Yeah, I learned that prehistoric stuff in college. But what have you done for me lately?

SARKOZY: Zen peut-être it is because like you, I deteste ze intellectuels, and zat because even zough you are ze most despised man in ze France, zat I am here today, showering your stinky cowboy anus with ze famous French tongue kisses!

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, that might be it. I do like to have at least one Euro-schnozz buried in the crack of my Wranglers at any time, you know? And ever since Tony Blair got ridden out of town on a rail for being my man-beotch, I've been feeling awful neglected that way.

SARKOZY: No vorries, Monsieur. Eet eez my intension to maintain – at all costs – ze integrity of ze Franco-Americaine friendship. If for no ozzer reason zen I enjoy being in ze global spotlight avec vous.

THE PRESIDENT: Awesome. Hey – Franco-American? That's my favorite lunch! You like that too? Which kind? Meatballs or no meatballs?

SARKOZY: J'adore vatever kind zat you like, Monsieur President.

THE PRESIDENT: Awesome. I like them with American cheese melted on top. I think American is the greatest cheese in the world. Don't you?

SARKOZY: Mais oui, Monsieur. J'adore le fromage Americain. It is ze only true cheese in ze world, non?

THE PRESIDENT: You betcha. Hey, you wanna beer, or some wine?

SARKOZY: Wine, s'il vous plaît.

THE PRESIDENT: Lucky for you, we got some TEXAS wine. Best frickin' wine on earth, don't you think?

SARKOZY: Absolutement! Ze very best, of course.

THE PRESIDENT: Well help yourself. We don't put on airs with no sissy long stemmed glasses round here. Just chug straight from the box, Frenchie – and don't mind my momma's lipstick on the plastic spout.

SARKOZY: (Guzzles from Spigot) Ahhhhh! C'est delicieux! Merci beaucoup.

La France is blessed to have la famille de Georges Bush comme très bonne amie.

THE PRESIDENT: It sure as fuck is. I think you and me are gonna get along real well, Kozy.

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse: President Comforts Grieving Families With Pledge to Continue Rebuilding Iraq's Infrastructure

THE PRESIDENT: On behalf of the brilliantly run Department of Transportation, the ultra-competent Federal Highway Administration, and the formerly Republican-led Senate Appropriations Committee, I offer condolences to all the folks who done got killeded when our loving God mysteriously decided to drop a heavenly JDAM on this here bridge that was totally structurally sound. I know how sad an event like this can make families, who can't help but imagine their dead loved ones' horrible final moments, as they screamed for mercy while Jesus gleefully reenacted that awesome X-Men 3 scene where Magneto rips up that famous bridge out in San Fagcisco.

]]> But today, as we look upon this twisted mass of stressed steel and crumbling concrete, let us remember that this is a time for mourning; not for asking hard questions. Out of respect for the dead, I call on big government liberals not to exploit this tragedy for political purposes. Folks here are racked with grief, and they’re vulnerable. So don’t anyone dare go brainwashing them into thinking it’s OK to pay taxes, when everyone knows that all that money just gets wasted on pork barrel projects like fixing old bridges and levees so thousands of people don’t die pointless, agonizing deaths.

I know that this bridge served as a vital artery to the people of the Twin Cities, and that its absence will cause hardship. Lives have been lost. Commerce will suffer. Drives will be longer, raising commuters’ already sky-high gas costs. In the face of such adversity, it can be easy to surrender to despair. And that’s why I want to remind folks they can take comfort in the knowledge that I am their genius leader. Because, you see, I got briefed on this whole “infrastructure” thing a few years back, and you’ll be glad to know that I took decisive action.

So just remember that that thanks to me, at this very moment, America is spending hundreds of billions of dollars to repair crumbling infrastructure. Our best and our brightest are laying fresh highways and asphalt. They’re repairing a threadbare electricity grid, and rebuilding water treatment facilities. And yes, our brave sons and daughters are working day and night to build gleaming new bridges aplenty. All this and more, in a little place known as… IRAQ.

Thank you, and may God have mercy on America.

President Reassures His Hundreds of Remaining Supporters Following Routine Rectal Roto-Rootering

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans: Yesterday, I briefly surrendered my reigns of power to Vice President Dick Cheney, on account of I had to get a colonasstomy in case the loving God who appointed me ruler changes His mind and tries to kill me with the ass cancer. I know it's uncomfortable for my adoring public to think of me, their super-macho El Hefe, all drugged up and helpless, de-pantsed, with a ten-foot robot python jimmying so far up my gayhole, it could taste yesterday's Cheetos – but don't worry: I'm OK. And to every fucktard standup comic and late show host who's wondering: NO, they did not find another copy of my Iraq war plan up there!

]]> The colonectomy itself only took like, a few minutes, but since it’s not every day I get a free pass to dive headfirst off the Narcotics Anonymous wagon, I told them to juice me up but good with the morphine. And so I want to thank Uncle Cheney for taking care of things while I was out. He did a heckuva job while the docs were plucking meat berries outta my fudge tube. I'd also like to officially support each of the 127 executive orders issued by President Dick during the three hours he had the nuclear football handcuffed to his wrist. Most important of these where:

Executive Order # 293828: Seizing Property of Loudmouth American Citizens Who Point Out How the U.S. is Simultaneously Arming Sunni Insurgents and the Shia Government They’re Fighting

Executive Order # 293855: Total & Complete Amnesty For All Members of the Executive Branch, Their Lobbyist Concubines, and Platinum-Patriot Level GOP Donors

Executive Order # 293871: Establishment of the Lynne Vincent Cheney Task Force Conducting a Thorough Cataloguing of the Epidemic of Hot Girl-on-Girl Double Dong Pornography

But I’m back. And it’s good to be back. Feeling great. No lingering side effects – and my poop pincher's still tight as a VICE.

Thank you, and may God Bless Me.

Gut of Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff Takes Your Questions on "Ask the White House"

Darleen from St. George, UT writes: "Dear Mr. Secretary's Gut: My daughter attends an exclusive Christian kindergarten in our gated community. Though the facility has its own electrified razorwire fence, an alarm system, and key card controlled dead bolts on both exterior and interior doors, I have noticed that there are no bars on the windows. Given this egregious lapse in security, do you feel I should be concerned about the extreme likelihood that my daughter will appear on YouTube being decapitated and dismembered by Al Qaeda? CONTINUED ON "ASK THE WHITE HOUSE" »

Note from Former White House Counsel Harriet Miers Regarding President's Order to Flip Congress the Bird

"I followed your orders, Mr. President. OMG, it never would have occurred to me to wipe my ba-donka-donk with a subpoena, BUT I DID! Sure, the Judiciary Committee stationery didn't soak up my liquid dinner, and I did get a paper cut 'down there', but IT WAS WORTH IT!!!"

President's Statement on Compassionate Decision to Commute the Cruel Sentence of Would-Be Jailhouse Bottom Scooter Libby

THE PRESIDENT: I want to take a moment to address my recent commutizing of the prison sentence of that great American patriot, I. Lewis Libby. I know my actions are at flip-flopping odds with all my prior statements opposing the use of my special legal powers to reward the loyalty of folks like Vice Presidential hatchet men, but well, that motherfucker Scooter done blackmailed it out of me in exchange for shutting his face pussy! And how could I say no? After all, there is nothing like sitting in a concrete cell to make a man all sad and blubbery like a sorority girl at her first spring break gang bang.

]]> Didn't want ol' Scooter to feel all hurt, and in a moment of weakness, reveal that the only reason we found Saddam Hussein in that there spider hole was because Donald Rumsfeld called him on his personal cell, and our soldiers followed Saddam's "Baby Come Back" Chicago ringtone. And luckily for Scooter, he's not some piss-poor, ignorant colored fella who got sent to Texas' death row for selling some of that lousy non-powdered cocaine. In that case, I'd have fried his ass.

You know, y'all in the press should have a little sympathy for me. The Democrats bitch and moan about how I perverted justice by sidestepping a turncoat prosecutor and judge my very own peeps nominated, while overturning a jury's verdict. They accuse me of subverting the rule of law, by holding my pals to different standards than the chump suckers who actually pay their fair share of federal taxes. Meanwhile, I got conservatives 'bout ready to floss my nutsack with barb wire because I didn't give Scoot a full pardon, buy him a yacht, and milk his prostrate. Can't win! No sir.

It seems that many in Washington are sharpening their fangs, and are positively giddy that my Administration seems weak. They assume I'm sitting in the Oval Office, biting my nails and weeping like some Iraqistan widow covered in the bloody clumps of her former husband. But nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, I feel liberated! Liberated from scruples. Liberated from cumbersome conservative ideology. Liberated from all the totally faggy "love your brother" parts of the Bible. Y'see, what y'all got now is George W. Bush UNPLUGGED. I am unmoved by polls, common sense, or morality. I got the interests of my kinfolk to care for, and the accountants of them kinfolk, and their hedge fund managers, and their corporate lobbyists, and their CEO hangers on. This is gonna be fun.

Which is why I'd like to say, for the record, as the end of my second term inches closer and closer: Fuck You. Fuck AAAAAAALL Y'ALL!

Independence Day 2007: President Psyches Up Iraq-Bound Troops with Pep Talk About Olden Days War We Actually Won

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, West Virginny! Happy 4th of July! You know, on this patriotic day of ant-infested picnics and firecracker-mangled fingers, I'm awful thrilled to be back here, in a state so red, it can't even tell it's knee-deep in the blood of all the dead hillbillies I've fed into the Vietraq meat grinder. (Applause.) No, really, I love coming to your state, on account of no matter how badly I fuck up the world, most of you inbred coal monkeys are too sick with the black lung to even try to complain. (Wheezing Laughter.)

]]> I’m proud to stand with the 167th Airlift Wing. Hell, I’m proud to stand with any military folks, on account of they’re the only Americans left who know if they so much as look at me funny, they will lose their jobs, their health insurance, their single-wides, and be scooping the family’s dinner out of rusty old cans of cat food inside of a month. Speaking of home cooking, Laura sends her best. When I was leaving early this morning, she looked up from the rim of her third breakfast Mai-Tai and softly slurred, “tell those chiclet-toothed banjo-pickers that I said something nice."

Many of you have already been deployed to Iraq, or are due to ship out soon, or have loved ones deployed there now – some even on their sixth or seventh tours. And so I’ve come here today to do what I do nearly every day: read some speech filled with empty platitudes about FREEDOM^®, that employs cheap emotional hooks and appeals to vanity in order to squeeze applause out of whatever audience I’m cynically exploiting. (Applause.)

On Independence Day we remember. We remember a great war. A war fought by a rag-tag band of scrappy insurgents, fighting against the occupying army of the most powerful Empire in the world. An Empire so arrogant and selfish, it thought it could lay claim to every corner of the earth, and snatch all the world’s resources for itself. An Empire so in love with itself, it thought is was God’s favorite, and believed itself duty-bound to jam its style of government and way of life down the throats of anyone who disagreed with it. Many said that the scrappy insurgents could never win, that the Empire would crush them like puny ants. But the rebels fought on, and their numbers grew, as citizen-soldiers dropped pitchforks and took up crude weapons to fight for their liberty and independence. These brave and determined fighters dispensed with the rules of warfare. They hid in the shadows, launching devastating attacks on the soft underbelly of their fearsome enemy. The Empire called them cowards and terrorists. But in the end, the Empire lost. Lost because of their undeserved entitlement. Lost because of their greed and laziness. Lost because their so-called divine leader – a dude named King George – was a stubborn warmonger who couldn’t accept that his ass had been whooped. Which wasn’t a big surprise really, since dumb old George only got to be in charge on account of he was related to some older, smarter guy with the same name.

And you folks are the successors of those brave men. Like those early patriots, you’re fighting a new and unprecedented war. So as you ship off to fight (and likely die) in Iraq, think back to that proud and victorious struggle, and let its lessons inspire you. One thing though – you’ll want to do a quickie reverse on all the details in your mind, so that the ginormo Empire (us) is the good guys and the scrappy oppressed terrorists (Iraqis) are the bad guys. That way, all those grey war clouds will have silver linings – even when they’re raining buckets of organs and your own severed arms and legs.

Yes, in my war in Iraq, you're showing the blind obedience which makes for quality cannon fodder. One member of the 167th Airlift Wing, Master Sergeant JoBob Garvey, has deployed seven times since the 9/11^TM attacks – and has just volunteered to go to Baghdad for an eighth deployment in September. (Applause.) Our fellow citizens should listen to what JoeBob said: "This war is something that has to be done – either over there or here. And I think it's best we fight it over there, so we don't have to face them where we live." (Applause.) "I'm proud to serve my country like those before me – for the cause of FREEDOM^®."

What a lucky nation we are to have utterly non-vacuous FOX News rhetoric piped directly into the barracks, keeping unquestioning grunts like JoeBob pumped up on a steady mental diet of paranoia and misinformation! (Applause.) Let us celebrate JoeBob’s patriotic ability to mouth those inspiring Sean Hannity sound bytes – which were penned by Karl Rove himself – like a machine gun wielding ventriloquist’s dummy! (Applause.) Go, JoeBob, Go!

You know, for the past six and a half years, it's been a real boner-popping rush to be the Commander of such a kickass military killing machine. It's an awesome experience, and a humbling experience to hold a powerful office like President. Well, “humbling” in a “wow, this is mad cool” kind of way – not a “whoa, I’m just some mortal loser” way. That’s because this job brings with it the ability to wage bloody, senseless war against whatever country I decide to call “evil.” And until I draw my last breath, that will include Iraq. (Applause.)

I know this war has been a long, tough slog – for you people, anyway. Me, I struggle not to nap through the briefings on your injuries, your imploding morale, and your exploding PTSD and suicide rates. And even here, at command performance events, I hear the applause grow weaker, and see the doubt, weariness and disgust welling in your hollow eyes.

But today, by drawing simplistic, opportunistic parallels between Iraq and the American Revolutionary War, I trust that I have puffed y’all up with false, historically inaccurate pride. Filled you with the willful ignorance to avoid facing the horrifying meaninglessness of all your back-breaking, soul-crushing labor. Filled you with the bloodlust to keep fighting, and dying, and loving it. Because that’s what it means to be a Real American^TM today.

Hello? That was the big finale applause line! So CLAP already! Ladies, turn on the waterworks! Drop the fricking balloons!

(Sustained Applause.)

That’s better.

Thank you, and may Jesus bless America and her wars.

President Graciously Responds to Retarded Anti-Torture Ramblings of Insolent Teenaged Nerds

On June 25th, the solemn dignity of an East Room ceremony was rudely shattered, when 50 pimple-encrusted recipients of the Presidential Scholars medal had the audacity to abuse free speech by presenting President Bush with a traitorously subversive letter. Its mesage: "We do not want America to represent torture."

Though not typically inclined to dignify the tactless ignorance of hormone-deranged puberteens, President Bush nevertheless took time from his demanding schedule today to personally pen a courteous response.

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President Bush's Remarks During Dedication to Utterly Necessary Monument to Noble Red Scare Hysteria

THE PRESIDENT: Today, having spent over six years proactively mortgaging America to Communist China, I am awful thankful to be totally deaf to that smartypants "irony" stuff, so that I can dedicate this here "Victims of Communism" memorial without totally busting a gut. It makes me feel all warm-gloopy inside to be unveiling Washington's most nakedly political, Neocon-flavored monument. (Applause.) In fact, come to think of it, me and Condi couldn't have asked for a more perfect icing on the diplomatic "fuck you" cake we've been baking to kick off the new cold war with Russia.

]]> (Applause.)

Yes, I'm real grateful to be here. With the public no longer getting ascared every time I yap about terrorists, it's nice to talk about a boogeyman from another era – the commies. Now there was an enemy! They were everywhere – in Hollywood, in the schools, in Congress. So intense was America's fear of that lurking, mysterious menace, we fought and lost not one, but TWO totally unnecessary wars in Korea and Vietnam. Yet somehow, America and FREEDOM^® both survived.

So today, as America's military and empire crumbles under my watch, and Communist China assumes the position of the world's sole economic and political superpower, let us smugly delude ourselves by speaking of Communism in the past tense. Let us ignore oil-rich Russia's migration back towards Communism, and take hollow, vacuous pride in this lump of bronze as the descendents of Lenin and Mao slowly bend America over a barrel and prepare to deliver a deep, vigorous payback dicking of historic proportions.

(Applause.)

In erecting a noble-looking tribute to the nationalistic hysteria that was the Red Scare, I can only hope that I'm laying the foundation for something else. Namely, a future in which another stuttering buffoon of a President will stand before another klatch of moneyed, self-important ideologues to dedicate the "Victims of Terrorism" memorial – which by rights will be a big statue of yours truly – rocking that flightsuit that makes my package look mad hung, yo!

(Applause.)

Thank you, and may God Bless America.

President Bush Rigorously Defends Immigration Bill to His Rapidly Imploding Base of Xenophobic Crackers

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I want to take a minute to gab atcha about the new bipartisan immigration bill which I'm betting the farm will be the only part of my legacy that isn't a big sloppy shit sandwich. Now for some mysterious reason, lots of folks don't like my policy – and a big chunk of my base is even trying to get it killed in Congress. Luckily, it's not the all-important Corporate Gazillionaire Plutocracy part of my base. No, it's just the piss-ignorant, dirt-poor, trailer trash KKK Bible zombie part of my base. And me and Karl Rove know how to play them like a cheap jew's harp. [Thumbs Up.]

]]> That's why today, I just wanted to issue a friendly reminder to all those millions of red state Rush Limbaugh fans who have worshipped me without question for the past seven years:

Folks, we've been together through a lot. And you've stood by me through it all. Through the illegitimate election of 2000. Through the double-dip recession. Through the terror attacks of 9/11^TM. Through Enron. Through the botched war in Afghanistan and failed hunt for Osama bin Laden. Through the clusterfuck kickoff to the Iraq war in 2003. Through the Patriot Act and illegal wiretapping of innocent Americans. Through "Mission Accomplished." Through Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and a policy of torture. Through Katrina. Through failed Social Security reform. Through Armstrong Williams & Jeff Gannon. Through Terri Schaivo. Through Tom Delay. Through Mark Foley. Through Scooter Libby. Through $3.00 gas. Through Walter Reed. Through "the Surge". Through Alberto Gonzales. And now even through 3500 US troops killed in Vietraq.

And after all that, the thing it takes to get you folks pissed at me is letting a few million Mexi-Ricans pour over our borders and steal your jobs so you can't afford to put Ramen on the table? Well, I think I understand your problem. On one hand, you correctly accept that I'm practically Jesus. But on the other hand, you can't help but feel a surge of simple-minded, paranoid racist hatred every time you hear one of those dirty Spics yammering away in that nonsense gibberish of theirs – when even Star Trek nerds know that English is the only language in the universe. So yeah, I know, it's awful confusing for y'all.

That's why today, I just wanted to shoot out a quickie reminder to you folks that should clear everything up:

I am your divinely appointed ruler.

God picked me.

Never question my (His) opinions.

Immediately resume being the obedient brainwashed hicks I know and love.

Or you will rot in Hell.

[Thumbs Up.]

I have spoken.

Thank you.

Iraq Funding Approved: President Lauds Democrats' Courage to Stay True to Their Spineless Jellyfish Convictions

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. On this Memorial Day, I'm tickled pink to announce that Congressional Democrats, after all their chest pounding and tough talk about pulling the plug on my pet abortion of a war, done went and tucked their packages between their legs – just like that creepy Silence of the Lambs tranny who does the hair pie dance.

Hot diggety, I love the smell of political cowardice in the morning. Smells a lot like what I hear Baghdad smells like – gasoline, diarrhea, and rotten civilian carcasses covered with blowflies. Makes this old cowboy's mouth water!

]]> I'm glad Congress finally took my veto warning seriously. And so I want to congratulate them for voting to provide our troops with the funding and flexibility they need to protect America against the greatest threat ever to our way of life - notwithstanding the evil Soviets, evil Nazis, evil Japs, uppity Injuns, MTV and monogamous homos.

Thanks to this newly approved budget of blood-drenched cash, I can enjoy four more months of sweet, uninterrupted Sunni and Shia killin'. The only downside to them crazy Muslimoid fuckers is for every one you shoot in the grill, two pissed off brothers pop up and want to settle the score. But thankfully, now I can cut another big fat check made out to American Bullet Company, and see if them two pissed off brothers got two more pissed off brothers. (Thumbs Up.)

I will happily signed the Iraq funding bill, seeing as it's my legacy and I hope that one day, in the future, some egghead author will write a big, best-selling biography about yours truly. That is, of course, if this country has a future. Too bad rebuilding Nawleans, or addressing the obscene income gap between the super rich (with their Apocalypse-proof battle yachts) and regular people (with their soul-withering debt), or fixing a heath care system where people with insurance pay out the nose for crap service while the uninsured flood emergency rooms isn't as sexy as waging a war.

Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised, but damned if them Democrats don't have a way of being unpredictably predictable. For a little while there, I was painting the backside of my BVD's with fear butter over a Democratic-lead Congress whose hairy balls seemed to have dropped. Thankfully, that was a lot of primping for the cameras, as the Democrats have proved once again why they done lost so many elections to me and my posse: because them multicultural fruitbats don't stand for nothing, 'cept whatever I'm against.

Part of me chuckles a lil' bit, thinking of them Democrats slinking home and having to explain to their constituents that democracy ain't what it's cracked up to be. Or at least, what they think democracy is supposed to be. Them is some fussy bitches.

So thanks for the blank check, boys and girls. Because let's be honest, Memorial Day just wouldn't be the same if the only folks getting memorialed was a bunch of dead dudes from history who nobody remembers. That's right, the grassy aisles of Arlington need be choked with sobbing young widows and their photogenic, newly daddyless toddlers waving Chinese-made American flags. Yessir, THAT'S some hot nationalistic porn right there – and now thanks to my subservient pals Nancy and Harry, we're guaranteed plenty more for years to come!

Thank you, and may Jesus continue to bitch-slap America's weak, ineffectual Dummycrats.