In This Installment (07.30.2004):
THE FIRST TWINS: JENNA AND THE OTHER ONE
The First Twins, Jenna and The Other One, are President and Mrs. Bush's only children. They were born November
25, 1981. They are both extremely private people, who actively shun the limelight in favor of a quasi-monastic
lifestyle of club-hopping, plum entertainment industry internships, and posing for 10-page fashion spreads
in Vogue magazine. Having recently graduated from college, both have decided to join their parents within
the protective bubble of the campaign trail, for this, the last Bush political campaign until their uncle
Jeb runs for President in 2008. Today they're also happy to be taking your questions - right here on ASK
THE WHITE HOUSE.
The First Twins: HELLO AMERICA!!!!! it's us!! we're ready 4 your questions OK so let's go!!!!!
Steven Lee , from Oakland, CA writes:
What's it like living in the White House and having the Secret Service follow you around all the time?
the WH is waaaaay boooooooring so we try to
stay away xcept 4 on vaca from .edu sumtimez + even then it sux their R no good barz in DC they R all filled
w/ toolz in suitz + politix nerdz who R all on their cell phonez going "TEE-HEE-HEE WE SEE THE BUSH GRRLZ SUCKING DOWN
EVERCLEAR SHOOTERZ + PBR + THE FAT BLONDE ONE JUST TOTALLY BARFED ALL OVER MY STOOPIT LOAFERZ!!!!" or else
they R all "i saw you in Vogue + U R SO TOTALLY HOT + DO U WANT TO CUM OVER + HAVE A 3SUM W/ ME???" witch is
when having secret service iz kewl cuz u just like snap ur fingers and they drag him in2 the alley + we get
2 watch while they smash his jaw in2 like 999999 pieces + we R like so totally ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!
Randi Jackson , from New York, NY writes:
This question is for Jenna. On a recent campaign trip with your father, you were photographed sticking your tongue out at
reporters from the back seat of the presidential limousine. Can you please tell us why you did this?
ok if u really want 2 no… so me + my dad wuz pulling up to the plane after visiting some smelly town full of poor
people + jesus freakz + i wuz all "how much longer til we get back to DC" – becuz i knew it wuz ladys nite @
the hard rock cafe on E st. which sux but still it meanz no cover + well drinx are halfsies til 8. and dad wuz all "well
we could leave right now but instead we gotta wait until they load all those jew reporters into the back of
the plane." so thats what they got 4 making me late!!!!
Christine Hinkel , from South Burlington, VT writes:
You have such a giant family, what with all your aunts and uncles and stuff! How often do you see them all,
and who is your favorite cousin?
our cuz noelle iz the BOMB!!!
– (evn tho she iz cubo-rican)
us + her throw turbo
ragerz @ night on the beach @ poppyz mansion in kennebunkport. she bringz the RX & we bringz the Cuervo handlez. OMG 1 time on 7/4 we wuz
rippin tubes of mad 420 + went swimz in the raw + then wuz chillin by the bonfire "all natural" + i look up + i see
noelle's bro Jebbie hiding
in the dunes peeping @ us + all whaxing his mexi-meat! we wuz all JEBBIE!!!! WTF U PHCKING PHREAKER!!!!!!
Mrs. Charles (Darlene) Underwood, from Dayton, OH writes:
Did Ashton really, like, lick cocaine out of your shaved choochie? And is it true that your clit ring touched
one of his fillings and it made him go all crazy and everything?
Laura, from Ames, IA writes:
Members of Congress are working on a plan to put a draft in place for both young men and women without student deferments.
With our military currently stretched so thin, many believe the draft will be reinstated if your father is re-elected.
As you are both young, recent college graduates, what will you do if and when the draft comes to pass?
OMFG that iz 2 crazy!!! There iz so no way that will happen, bcuz our house totally has majorly expensive doorz + windoz
so there r like NO DRAFTS. So like get a clue, OK?????
Timmy Johnson, from Rightsville, TX writes:
If you are twins, then how come you don't look the same and wear the same stuff?
ummmmmm. hello? we R so not that kind of twins. that is INDENTICLES!!! we r FRATERNICLES + u should no that they
don't look the same witch iz good bcuz then i would be not blond + all flatsville + the 1 who can't even get a
pu55y Yalie to ask her out on a d8 – let alone look awesum in 100% hemp stylz.
The Other One: You're hogging all the questions! I get to do one next!
Jenna Bush: WHATEVR!!!!
Mike, from Omaha, NE writes:
Considering that you are the fourth generation of one of America's most powerful political dynasties, do either of you
plan to run for president?
The Other One:
Our mother taught us that a woman's career is in the classroom – well at least for eighteen months or so until you quit
to get married and stay at home Cloroxing cabinets and using the Dewey Decimal System to keep your prescription mood
medications organized. So honestly, I don't think either of us could run for president – unless one had a sex change
Jenna Bush: OMG THATS SOOO FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! mary cheney inna house LOL
The Other One: Well, we do know for a fact that our parents' master plan was to have a son they could name George.
And then America could have a president named George Bush from now until the end of eternity. Unfortunately, it turns out
our mother's womb is like a briar patch, and it was all she could do to disgorge us two lowly girls – let alone serve as the incubator
for a godly Bush male. And that's why gramma Bar told Aunt Columba she had better name her first son George if she wanted
to live to spread compost in the White House flowerbeds again.
Bernard Switzer , from St. Louis, MO writes:
Is it really true that you ladies pleaded with your father NOT to run for President back in 1999?
TOTALLY. dad wuz all tell me if i should run 4 prez + we wuz all NO + he wuz all but they say i gotta + they OWN ME +
we wuz all that sux 4 U cuz we don't want majer loserz watching us so we cant party + he wuz all sorry but UR shit outta
luck bcuz i only asked so i could say I did + i want 2B richer than god so i am running + i was all DAD I SO H8 UR GUTZ!!!!!!!
William, from Jackson, NJ writes:
What advice can you give our young people who hope to get a solid, college education while at the same time remaining Republican?
The Other One:
I for one found it very challenging. On one hand, you have to be legacied into a top-tier Ivy if you ever expect to get anywhere. But
on the other, the only way to get good grades is to pretend like you actually believe all those outrageous Democratic fictions
like evolution, the Bill of Rights, and the round earth theory.
Jenna Bush: and MATH!
The Other One: So yes, it's very challenging. The one piece of advice I have for young Republicans in our situation
is to get yourself a good Secret Service detail whose talents include picking transcript cabinet locks in the Registrar's
office under cover of night. It worked for me!
Anthony Smith, from Chicago, IL writes:
I remember reading somewhere that Uday and Qusay Hussein had pictures of you girls on their wall. How did that make you
feel when you heard about it?
The Other One: Yes, we did hear about that, but not until almost a week after they were dead, and by then–
MY TURN! So yeah - but by then we wuz OK about it cuz our dad had gave us big posterz of THEM
for the ceiling over our waterbedz and so we wuz just like WHOA – how TWEAKED is that that BOTH of us had our pictures
hanging up? it was like a little cosmic, u know?
Daniel Shannon, from Conway, AR writes:
A snobby elitist high school "friend" of mine claims that while attending Yale he smoked marijuana with Barbra
Bush. He also claims that Barbra went to some "clothing optional"/damnation mandatory parties. If these
allegations are true, how can your freestyling partying ways be held consistant with the True Christian society
that we plan to build on the carcass of those democratic welfare state fags?
The Other One:
Sorry, but that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for your questions. We look forward to seeing you all
on the campaign trail!
Jenna Bush: L8R SK8RZ!!!!!!!!!1
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