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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (10.31.2003):
PASTOR DEACON FRED: SECRETARY OF FAITH-BASED LIVING
Good afternoon. My name is Pastor Deacon Fred. As both Secretary of the U.S. Department of Faith and Spiritual Leader to Landover Baptist Church – President Bush's (and God's) favorite house of worship – I am without a doubt the most devoted public servant in the history of our Christian nation. I work closely with the Republican-majority Supreme Court, and have guaranteed the President that I will – by any means necessary – bring every citizen of the United States of America back under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. It's a real pleasure to be here on "Ask the White House" today, so let's hear some of your prayers...


Robert Anderson, from Flushing, NY writes:
I was wondering what is your take on abortion if a woman is doomed to have an unsuccessful pregnancy that might endanger her, or the child from imminent death, or living a normal life.

Pastor Deacon Fred:
Young man, how long has it been since you’ve cracked open a Bible? Blow the dust off that King James you’ve got up in the attic and turn to Hosea 13:16. “Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.”

That verse teaches us that when God kills babies, He don’t give a hoot in Heaven if he shreds open a pregnant woman’s tender tummy in order to slaughter the abomination within. But just because God loves to kill babies, doesn’t give you permission! Read Jeremiah 1:4-5, “Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you’…”

In short, abortion is the Lord’s job. He is the great doctor and no rubber gloves will ever fit over those enormous hands – caked with the dried blood of thousands of perfectly executed abortions on Heavenly demand!


Petar Ivcec, from Windsor, Ontario writes:
If Iran, for example, is so bad because they are so fanatical with their religion, why do you want America to be the same way with your religion?
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Pastor Deacon Fred:
I don’t normally answer questions from people in Canada, not only because they can’t spell or speak American properly, but also because they're just not really that important as human beings go. Most folks couldn’t care less about Canada. There are only a handful of bearded woodsmen living up there anyway. But your silly question begs a simple and direct answer. The folks in Iran are fanatical because they are crazed like werewolves in their preternatural lust for the Moon God. We True Christian Americans™ are not fanatical but in fact, just very, very, very, excited because we know we worship the correct One True God and His Son, Jesus Christ. "Moon God=Bad", "Jesus=Good". I think even a Canadian can understand that! Believe it or burn, my pelt-covered, bearded friend from the North.


Doug Sandstrom, from Portland, Oregon writes:
Pastor Deacon Fred – As a gay man living here on the West Coast, I'm wondering how you view the potential schism affecting the Episcopal Church.

Pastor Deacon Fred:
It doesn’t surprise me in the least what is going on with them damned Episkypoles. Their church originates in England – which is chock full of prancing homos and light footed Nancy boys. To tell you the truth, I’ve never encountered a man from England who wasn’t as gay as a whistling jay bird. Understand, these Episkypoles are in fact, not really Christians at all. They are an offshoot from the Anglicans, a religion that thumbs its nose at Jesus in favor of worshipping His Daddy’s winged servants, the Angels. And these Angel worshippers are an offshoot from the belly of the whore of Babylon (The Catholic Church), which owns the largest homosexual training camp in the world, The Vatican. So you ask me how I view the potential schism affecting the “so-called” Episkypol church? Well, my friend – it’s just Satan, shifting his demon generals around and changing the guard. Nothing for True Christians™ to worry about, we know that baby Jesus is going to toss them all into Hell in the end. And quite frankly, I can’t wait to see them burn. They say them homo butts just "pop!" when you cook ‘em.


Terry Jones, from Kansas City, MO writes:
Was Jesus a white guy? I have heard white people say he was white, black people say he was black. But I dont beleive he was either? What do you think?

Pastor Deacon Fred:
We recently expelled a deacon from our church for touting such heresy. Can you honestly say within your heart that you have seen a photograph of a dark skinned Jesus wearing a backwards baseball cap, gold chains around his neck, and a comb sticking out of his hair? No, I didn’t think so. The whole idea of Jesus being a Negro comes from the very fact that colored folks just can’t stand the idea of having to spend this life working for a white boss, let alone all of eternity. Well, won’t they will be in for a big surprise when they get to Heaven! Glory! I pray that the Lord will see fit to distribute the colored population equally in Heaven as he has done so on Earth so that His straight and narrow haired True Christian Servants™ will have plenty of household help around their mansions in Glory.


Rohan Brown, from Oxford, UK writes:
I'm not a religious man myself, but don't you feel that we should accept people of other religions, so long as they're peaceful?

Pastor Deacon Fred:
No, because the REAL God doesn't accept anyone from any other religion other than Christianity. It don't matter if you're as peaceful as a curry covered Gandhi, our user guide (the Holy Bible) states in John 14:6, " “Jesus saith…, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father (Gets to go to Heaven), but by Me.(That's Jesus!)” You don't have to be a Creation Scientist or another kind of genius to see that truth. Heck, you can be as dumb as a Presbyterian! Even those baby sprinkling heretics know that God doesn't accept Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, Wiccans, Jews, Mary Worshippers, Corn Worshipping Injuns, or New Agers! To the Lord Jesus, they all burn the same.


American Catholic, from New York, NY writes:
Is it true that you think Catholics cannot be real Americans? What do you make of the fact that a Catholic priest is currently serving as the official chaplain for the U.S. House of Representatives?

Pastor Deacon Fred:
A Pope-Loving, Bead-Counting, Saint-Praying, Altar-Boy-Buggering, Mary-Worshipping, Candle-Lighting, Catholic in the U.S. House of Representatives? I have no idea how this little circus act slipped under our noses. Thank you for bringing it to our attention. I’ll have the Department of Faith contact our friends that took care of the Kennedy situation, and we’ll have him replaced shortly.

I’m waxing nostalgiac here – I noticed you are a Mary Worshipper as well. It’s so funny how the Lord works, from Judas to you. Thank you so much. We have your address.


Jack, from Chicago, IL writes:
How does the DoF take into account the First Amendment, which guarantees freedom to worship whatever religion one wishes... be it Baptism, Judaism, Catholicism, or even Buddhism?

Pastor Deacon Fred:
My misguided friend – keep in mind that when the founding fathers wrote the First Amendment, there were no other religions in America besides True Christianity™, which itself was being tested by very serious cultural forces during that period. There were crucial concerns about whether the Lord wanted church pews made out of maple or oak, whether Christians should kneel on one knee or two when they pray, or whether a prayer should end with “Ah-men” or “A-men.”

The Founding Fathers decided that there was such a fuss going on about these matters (today such concerns seem just plain silly!) that they included a guarantee for Americans to practice all versions of True Christianity™, lest murderous rage be unleashed upon everyone who attended a Christian church that couldn’t afford mahogany seating.

Truth is, the founding fathers originally had no idea that Buddhists, Cathylickers, or Moon Worshippers (Muslims) even existed! We know this because in November of 1799, former President and kindly slavemaster George Washington wrote in his journal, "I have only recently been informed that stupid people around the world are practicing false religions. Had only my founding father brethren and I been informed earlier, we never would have chosen the confusingly unspecific 'In God We Trust' as America's motto! We'd have picked something with balls, like 'Satanic Colored Trash Keep Out!'"

So put that in your so-called First Amendment hookah and smoke it.


Pastor Deacon Fred:
I'm afraid that's all the time I have for your questions. Today is Halloween, which means yours truly has a busy evening ahead of him angrily rebuking kindergarten Trick or Treaters.

Thank you, and good day.

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