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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (06.17.2003):
PABLO ESCAPA: CHIEF WHITE HOUSE GARDENER AND BOTANIST

Pablo Escapa: Hello. My name is Pablo Escapa, Chief Gardener of the White House. I was born in Colombia, where I lived the simple life of a South American farmer until I was 40. Then one fateful day in 1989, while delivering a small parcel of my highly refined jungle harvest to the poolside cabana of a five-star Bogota resort, I made the chance acquaintance of vacationing future President George W. Bush. We became instant amigos, and remained in near-constant contact until early December of 1993, when then Gubernatorial candidate Bush urged me to quietly emigrate to Texas and join his groundskeeping staff. I am still with him today. This morning, I am happy to take your questions.


Launce, from Las Vegas, Nevada writes:
You have a strange resemblance to a man I knew while living in Colombia in the early 1990s. I understand he was killed in some sort of dust up with the police. Could you be the same "Pablo?"

Pablo Escapa:
As far as I know, Internet amigo, I am the only Pablo in the whole South American paradise of Colombia. It is a special and unique name and that is why El Jefe Americano chose me to tend his royal gardens. Because I am special and unique and have a PhD in Psychopharmabotany from Medellin Community College and am more than qualified to weed and sleep with dogs.


Jake Smith, from Strafford, NH writes:
Mr. Escapa, when you and our esteemed president first met, what were the first words George spoke to you?

Pablo Escapa:
I believe his Excellency’s first words were, "Where’s the fucking fun powder, Senor Bean Farts?" Our second meeting, at a golf course in Texas, was even more memorable. Me, my intestines filled to bursting with medicinal balloons to correct digestive problems, and he, so manic and happy once I emerged from the caddy Port-o-Let. That is how much this man cares. He is compassionate.


Harry Bushwaxel, from Washington DC writes:
Do you have any tips for fighting Coca Leaf blight? With all the rain we've had in the Mid-Atlantic this spring, my Coca plants have been infested with this degenerative condition.

Pablo Escapa:
Are you speaking of the leaf that makes the chocolate? I love chocolate. Sometimes, after I’ve spent 12 back-breaking hours knee-deep in the dirt like a glorious trained worm and am disposing of weeds in the trash, I will stumble upon Nestles Crunch bar wrappers still sticky with Mr. Generalissimo Bush’s chocolate-laced saliva, and I allow myself to briefly swirl my tongue all over the trembling foil. But as for edible leaf blights in general, I prefer to use a standard multi-purpose ionized fungicide such as Tinactin® Jock Itch Powder Spray.


Michael McIlvain, from Duluth, MN writes:
How are your living conditions at the White House different than those back in Colombia? Are you ever allowed into public areas of the White House, or must you sleep next to the riding mower and 50 gallon drums of RoundUp?

Pablo Escapa:
EL HA HA HA! No senor, but rest assured that I am well provided for by my Gringo Masters. I am freely given a weekly ration of a jar of Newman’s Own salsa and a medium-sized bag of Baked Tostitos. I am given luxurious quarters in between the perro kennel and open, noxious, EPA-rejected drums of LAWN GRO chemicals. I have a dry blanket and the warmth of man’s best vicious friends and a torn picture of my dear wife, who was accidentally riddled with bullets by US Special Forces in their ongoing battle in Colombia to fight the evil people who won’t just be happy with a life of finger-scarring sweatshop work. Yes, it is a good gig, this one.


Debbi Roberts, from Monroe, MI writes:
Dear Sir,
I do not know if you are the person I should be sending this to, but please pass it on if not. I am writing to complain about the plan to stop religious freedom of speech. I can not believe that there is a desire to stop churches putting their point across. This is an invasion of civil liberty is it not??? I don't know too much about American government as I moved over here 4 years ago from the UK and am honored to be here with Pesident George W. Bush being inpower. He is a wonderful, Godly man and my family and I pray daily for him. Isn't what HR235 saying against what he believes too! Thank you for your time.

Pablo Escapa:
I believe you have chosen the wrong internet contact form. I am but a lowly gardener, and regret that I am not very familiar with the details of the HR 235, better known as the Houses of Worship Free Speech Restoration Act introduced by U.S. Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC). It is my understanding that this bill – a brainchild of the National Religious Broadcasters Association – feigns outrage over non-existent government censorship in neighborhood churches in an attempt to allow multi-billion dollar Christian TV and radio networks to not only remain tax exempt, but also to transform themselves into shrill political mouthpieces for the GOP and set about convincing all future generations that in God's eyes, voting against Republicans is no different from eagerly deep-throating the monstrous cactus-cock of Satan. And though I am only the gardener, I do not think I am overstepping my bounds when I say that President Bush supports HR 235 just as strongly as the dozens of other Republican bills now being penned for the express purpose of shattering the separation between church and state.


Jeffrey Jones, from Dayton, OH writes:
Are you classified as a Federal Employee, or paid "under the table" [in pesos or Huitlacoche (wee-tlah-KOH-cheh) - Mexican Corn Truffle] like many private gardeners of wealthy Republicans?

Pablo Escapa:
Let there be no doubt that the President is currently a law-abiding man. For all the vicious documented and semi-documented talk of his drunk driving, hocaine enjoyment, and insider trading, the President is a fine, Christian man. That said, he is also a man who is vigilant for ways in which to economize. It is an expensive venture, this protecting America from wave after wave of insane Muslamian ragheads, and in the end, the White House grounds are just another money-hemorrhaging part of the pork-barrel, anti-capitalist National Park System. So should he, as America's legitimately elected leader, decide that funds orginally earmarked for a filthy, lowly, stinking groundskeeper park ranger such as myself are better spent on truckloads of $1,000 desert-camouflaged, toenail-optimized Pentagon Emory boards, well then ours is not to question why.


John Pickanilly, from Texas writes:
I fully support the Great Bush administration because I come from the same state he does, but what I don't understand is why he employs a Mexican when he can hire a hard working American to do the same job. Why don't you just go back to Mexico?

Pablo Escapa:
Please pay attention. I am a proud Colombian – not some shit-water-swilling Mexican lowlife.

Now, you should know that the President is not a prejudiced man. He knows that the best way to get a job done is to pick the very best man for the job. This is why for labor and transportation secretary jobs, he picks the little Asiatics named Norman and Elaine. For lying to Jewish press people, he picks another lying Jewish named Ari. And for making the tropical poppies rise like the life-giving sun upon his flowerbeds, he picks a Colombian – ME. This is simply the way of things. It is not stereotyping. It is good business. And if you ever call me a Mexican again, I will track you down Mr. Texas Cowboy, and slowly torture you to death with my diamond-encrusted Fabergé crack torch.


Pablo Escapa:
And now, it is time for me to fertilize the rose bushes. Thank you for your questions today. I cannot tell you how nice it has been to be allowed to look at - if not touch - the computing word talk machine. Next time, I am hoping to be permitted to experience air conditioning and sit on the folding plastic staff card table chairs.

Good day.

- Pablo

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