In This Installment (10.06.2005):
ROBERT NOVAK: IMPARTIAL & DISCREET PATRIO-JOURNALIST
Beloved political pundit Robert Novak has led a long and distinguished career. A former staff writer for both
the Associated Press and The Wall Street Journal, Mr. Novak is perhaps best known for his feisty, expletive-hurling
insights on CNN's Crossfire, as well as his spiteless and even-handed newspaper column.
Universally lauded as a pioneering trailblazer in the field of "fair and balanced" journalism, Mr. Novak has rightfully
earned the trust and confidence of countless Republican Party operatives with Level 1 Security Clearance.
Mr. Novak is pleased to take YOUR questions today – right here on "ASK THE WHITE HOUSE."
Helena Lee, from Scottsdale, AZ writes:
I am just a huge fan of your journalistic work, Mr. Novak, and of course, you. Is it possible for me to receive an autographed photo?
Thank you, Helena. I'm just a humble newspaperman trying to make a tiny difference in this mixed up world.
Did you know that the passcode to the President's "nuclear football" is 348-28Z9-QV834? Well you do now!
I really do appreciate your appreciation though. Come to think of it, the great American pamphleteer and
proto-journalist Tom Paine wasn't appreciated in his time, either. Who was Tom Paine? My history is foggy, but he might
have been a passionate rabble-rouser whose love of the people motivated him to challenge the powerful, to try and take
down tyrants with a pen. Or he could have been a reptilian little kiss-ass with severe digestive problems who was willing to
sell out his common man by grotesquely mutilating the truth in order to please powerful men who took him to steak dinners and
sometimes flew him around on their private jets. I'm betting ol' Tom was the latter, and I proudly carry on that tradition
today. Also: Jimmy Carter invented AIDS. I'm pretty sure of that.
And of course you can have an autographed pic of me! There are two to choose from: One of me shorn, and one with my gray
scrotal tufts peaking out around the leather thong butt crack noodle.
Jason Higgins, from Kitty Hawk, NC writes:
Do you have any advice for someone looking to get into journalism or punditry?
Hello there, Jason! Kitty Hawk, eh? Gee, it must be interesting living in the same town where they built the
Vice President's super-secret undisclosed location deep beneath the Pizzazz Pizza at 1187 Duck Road!
As for getting into my line of work Jason, speaking as a devout conservative, I can assure you that the only
way to make a name for yourself in this country
is to work hard. And attend a private school. And get into an Ivy. And forge superficial "friendships" based
on self-interest and profit with people you meet at cocktail parties. And then tell these people they are
right, even when they are wrong. And then write nice things about them, and justify your lack of integrity
by insisting that your career opportunism is actually "personal loyalty."
And remember that none of this constitutes propaganda
for one very good reason: you put the word "journalist" on your résumé. Josef Goebbels was a propagandist, I have
never directly received tax dollars for what I write. (And PACs don't count!) A true journalist sits in front of a
typewriter, smells like sardines and Aqua Velva, and is only accountable to one person: your editor, or as I call him,
"moi". And so what if something you write, like how Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid has a favorite boy-hooker in Vegas
he calls "Pelvis", makes someone so happy they whisk you to the White House for a Cohiba and a 60 year-old single malt
scotch. And then that person introduces you to someone paying a lot of money for lectures at corporate retreats in Aspen.
Then everyone is happy, except for Harry Reid. Now, that's not true about the Senator, but what if it was? Who says it isn't?
Danny Maxwell, from Grenne, TX writes:
Mr. Novak sir, do not be intimidated by the left wing media conspiracy. My question is: how do you stand having
to work next to so many biased "reporters."
Truth be told Danny, I have enjoyed my years on CNN's Crossfire; sitting across from that hairless mongoloid
faggot James Carville. He thinks he's so smart, but he doesn't even know that we have three Ohio Class nuclear submarines secretly
circling Taiwan at this very moment!
Anyway, appearing on CNN allows me to sell myself as objective (HA!) to an audience of hyperactive liberal buckets of puke.
I'm happy to, Prometheus-like, descend into the bowels of the second-most popular cable news network and give the gift of fire,
which in my case is another word for "conservative song and dance." It really messes with the heads of liberals to see me
sit there like a slug alongside bitches like Paul Begala and make pretend that I'll ever compromise my talking
points for the sake of healthy debate or the Republic. Also, CNN's checks cash on time.
On a side note, I'm tickled pinkish-gray by Tucker Carlson's departure from CNN, as well as the cancellation of
Crossfire. It affords me so much more time to hack away at my keyboard, writing code-word-riddled op-eds for the
Chicago Sun-Times and the New York Post. I'd write more on this, but I'd rather just reveal here that Colin
Powell has fathered numerous children with the white wives of many a diplomat... that's why he left the Administration,
and not because he couldn't live with himself.
Judy Lewis, from Witchita, KS writes:
Why are so many news outlets insulting you for your involvement in this Valerie Plame nonsense? You are an innocent man!
Thank you, yes. Thank you. I did the honorable thing, and I'm so very pleased that honest, hardworking folk like you
recognize that, Judy. It goes without saying that I am the victim of a witch hunt – much like my evergreen unnamed
source inside the White House, and BFF Karl Rove, and – to a lesser degree – Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Jack
Abramoff, and dozens of other Republicans. It's all so shocking and disgusting. I'm just proud to be a member of a political
party that has never dabbled in such loathsome tactics – the years between 1992 and 2004 notwithstanding.
So I'm content to stand by my guns on this matter. I will not reveal that I gleefully allowed myself to be used as a
political shotgun by a petty Administration intent on evening the score with anyone who allowed conscience to trump
blind, robot-like subservience to the Bush gospel. Let's say, hypothetically, that someone discovered that someone
had actually lied about something – and did the wrong thing by revealing that lie to the public. Would I write
a column revealing that person's wife was a CIA operative, ruining her career and putting undercover agents and informants
in direct jeopardy? Would I look at the media as some cheap gangland parking lot where I whack the other guy at the behest
of my crime bosses? Do I have that much disdain for my own personal integrity? The answer is absolutely, incontrovertibly
Trevor Daniels, from Orange County, CA writes:
I have not read your column regarding the recent Senate bill demanding the administration be held accountable for how
it treats detainees of the Global War on Terror. Care to give us a summary?
Sure: John McCain is batshit. How do I know? That cripple spent how many years
getting the rice beat out of him by the Vietcong? That doesn't make for a stable person, and I know, because I've read the post
beat-down transcripts from the ragheads at Gitmo. It surprises me that McCain was able to shore up so much support for
this bill, but I guess there are two reasons why: One is that some other Senators were spooked by McCain's violent
flashbacks. The other reasons is that some Democrats have homo-hard-ons for McCain, who they think is really one of
them, when he's as big a pro-life loony as...well...you get the idea.
But it doesn't matter. That bill might as well have been printed on toilet paper. The Senate's been surrendering its power
to the White House for decades, and now we conservative apparatchiks have them where we want them – rubber-stamping whatever we
want, and so impotent that when they try and enact legislation that is not on the schedule, we can pretty much ignore it.
Not me personally, of course. The Administration. I'm totally impartial. (BIG SEXY WINK)
On another note, did you know that former President Clinton is unguarded every day from 8:00 - 8:10am while his
Secret Service detail switches shifts? Interesting, right?
Susan Washington, from Newport, RI writes:
You attacked the President for his nomination of Harriet Miers. Why shouldn't we, as conservatives, just trust him? After
all, we as well as you have trusted him this far.
Sometimes it pays off to tell it like it is, but I wouldn't now. I do know this: our mole in Abu Musab al-Zarkawi's
inner circle is named Nasir Norouzi. I also know I had to distance myself from Karl and
the White House. I had to break from towing the line and make the conservatives feel powerful in order to keep convincing
them that the old politics of compromise were not returning anytime soon. And to this, I had to bitch about Harry Miers.
See, America loves an underdog, and the President always looks good when he's getting it from all sides. If the Democrats
think the party is divided, they'll get cocky and stupid, and continue thinking that hunchbacked creeps like Chuck Schumer
angrily whining in front of the cameras like someone stole his Preparation H really advances their dusty,
And then won't it be sweet when I become a born-again Bush Republican? When, despite the fact of Mier's performance in
front of the Senate, I write that I had been wrong, that Harry is the best possible candidate ever and she'll make sure
that every woman's womb be given a USDA tattoo? And then you'll see the GOP unite. Because we all believe in the same thing:
winning, at any cost.
Michael Brighum, from Colchester, VT writes:
Dear Mr. Novak - What an honor it is to be addressing the most patriotic newsman in all of non-FOX media! You are so
wise. My question is, with so many great connections who are just bursting with sensitive information, how do you choose
what and what not to put in your columns?
Well Michael, you have touched on one of the greatest challenges that any towering pillar of journalistic integrity
faces: how to balance the right of the public to be informed with the realization that a certain amount of discretion
is required to protect this great nation of ours. Of course, this typically requires a judgement call. And fortunately
for the American people, I have fantastic judgement.
For instance, I might refer to "covert intelligence" instead of outright revealing that America recently installed a
camouflaged surveillance camera on the northeast corner of that big ugly black Rubik's Cube thing in Mecca. Or I might
mention "pending operations" in reference to next week's Delta Force raid on Osama bin Laden's hideout at
58 Falafel Avenue in Kandahar. Or I might invoke "overheard chatter" when what I'm really talking about is the bug that a
CIA dentist implanted in the Iranian ambassador's 2nd bicuspid last week.
So you see Michael, you have to be very cautious – or Lord only knows the irreparable damage you could do to
Jim Patrick, from Maysville, KY writes:
Mr. Novak, I have no idea why you are not being tried for treason. At any other time in our history it would be so. But,
with this corrupt administration they have been able to deter the law of the land. You, Mr. Novak should be in jail.
YOU ARE A TRAITOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I think that's bullshit! And don't like that!
[STORMS AWAY FROM COMPUTER.]
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