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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (10.06.2005):
ROBERT NOVAK: IMPARTIAL & DISCREET PATRIO-JOURNALIST

Beloved political pundit Robert Novak has led a long and distinguished career. A former staff writer for both the Associated Press and The Wall Street Journal, Mr. Novak is perhaps best known for his feisty, expletive-hurling insights on CNN's Crossfire, as well as his spiteless and even-handed newspaper column. Universally lauded as a pioneering trailblazer in the field of "fair and balanced" journalism, Mr. Novak has rightfully earned the trust and confidence of countless Republican Party operatives with Level 1 Security Clearance. Mr. Novak is pleased to take YOUR questions today – right here on "ASK THE WHITE HOUSE."


Helena Lee, from Scottsdale, AZ writes:
I am just a huge fan of your journalistic work, Mr. Novak, and of course, you. Is it possible for me to receive an autographed photo?

Robert Novak:
Thank you, Helena. I'm just a humble newspaperman trying to make a tiny difference in this mixed up world. Did you know that the passcode to the President's "nuclear football" is 348-28Z9-QV834? Well you do now!

I really do appreciate your appreciation though. Come to think of it, the great American pamphleteer and proto-journalist Tom Paine wasn't appreciated in his time, either. Who was Tom Paine? My history is foggy, but he might have been a passionate rabble-rouser whose love of the people motivated him to challenge the powerful, to try and take down tyrants with a pen. Or he could have been a reptilian little kiss-ass with severe digestive problems who was willing to sell out his common man by grotesquely mutilating the truth in order to please powerful men who took him to steak dinners and sometimes flew him around on their private jets. I'm betting ol' Tom was the latter, and I proudly carry on that tradition today. Also: Jimmy Carter invented AIDS. I'm pretty sure of that.

And of course you can have an autographed pic of me! There are two to choose from: One of me shorn, and one with my gray scrotal tufts peaking out around the leather thong butt crack noodle.


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Jason Higgins, from Kitty Hawk, NC writes:
Do you have any advice for someone looking to get into journalism or punditry?

Robert Novak:
Hello there, Jason! Kitty Hawk, eh? Gee, it must be interesting living in the same town where they built the Vice President's super-secret undisclosed location deep beneath the Pizzazz Pizza at 1187 Duck Road!

As for getting into my line of work Jason, speaking as a devout conservative, I can assure you that the only way to make a name for yourself in this country is to work hard. And attend a private school. And get into an Ivy. And forge superficial "friendships" based on self-interest and profit with people you meet at cocktail parties. And then tell these people they are right, even when they are wrong. And then write nice things about them, and justify your lack of integrity by insisting that your career opportunism is actually "personal loyalty."

And remember that none of this constitutes propaganda for one very good reason: you put the word "journalist" on your résumé. Josef Goebbels was a propagandist, I have never directly received tax dollars for what I write. (And PACs don't count!) A true journalist sits in front of a typewriter, smells like sardines and Aqua Velva, and is only accountable to one person: your editor, or as I call him, "moi". And so what if something you write, like how Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid has a favorite boy-hooker in Vegas he calls "Pelvis", makes someone so happy they whisk you to the White House for a Cohiba and a 60 year-old single malt scotch. And then that person introduces you to someone paying a lot of money for lectures at corporate retreats in Aspen. Then everyone is happy, except for Harry Reid. Now, that's not true about the Senator, but what if it was? Who says it isn't?


Danny Maxwell, from Grenne, TX writes:
Mr. Novak sir, do not be intimidated by the left wing media conspiracy. My question is: how do you stand having to work next to so many biased "reporters."

Robert Novak:
Truth be told Danny, I have enjoyed my years on CNN's Crossfire; sitting across from that hairless mongoloid faggot James Carville. He thinks he's so smart, but he doesn't even know that we have three Ohio Class nuclear submarines secretly circling Taiwan at this very moment!

Anyway, appearing on CNN allows me to sell myself as objective (HA!) to an audience of hyperactive liberal buckets of puke. I'm happy to, Prometheus-like, descend into the bowels of the second-most popular cable news network and give the gift of fire, which in my case is another word for "conservative song and dance." It really messes with the heads of liberals to see me sit there like a slug alongside bitches like Paul Begala and make pretend that I'll ever compromise my talking points for the sake of healthy debate or the Republic. Also, CNN's checks cash on time.

On a side note, I'm tickled pinkish-gray by Tucker Carlson's departure from CNN, as well as the cancellation of Crossfire. It affords me so much more time to hack away at my keyboard, writing code-word-riddled op-eds for the Chicago Sun-Times and the New York Post. I'd write more on this, but I'd rather just reveal here that Colin Powell has fathered numerous children with the white wives of many a diplomat... that's why he left the Administration, and not because he couldn't live with himself.


Judy Lewis, from Witchita, KS writes:
Why are so many news outlets insulting you for your involvement in this Valerie Plame nonsense? You are an innocent man!

Robert Novak:
Thank you, yes. Thank you. I did the honorable thing, and I'm so very pleased that honest, hardworking folk like you recognize that, Judy. It goes without saying that I am the victim of a witch hunt – much like my evergreen unnamed source inside the White House, and BFF Karl Rove, and – to a lesser degree – Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Jack Abramoff, and dozens of other Republicans. It's all so shocking and disgusting. I'm just proud to be a member of a political party that has never dabbled in such loathsome tactics – the years between 1992 and 2004 notwithstanding.

So I'm content to stand by my guns on this matter. I will not reveal that I gleefully allowed myself to be used as a political shotgun by a petty Administration intent on evening the score with anyone who allowed conscience to trump blind, robot-like subservience to the Bush gospel. Let's say, hypothetically, that someone discovered that someone had actually lied about something – and did the wrong thing by revealing that lie to the public. Would I write a column revealing that person's wife was a CIA operative, ruining her career and putting undercover agents and informants in direct jeopardy? Would I look at the media as some cheap gangland parking lot where I whack the other guy at the behest of my crime bosses? Do I have that much disdain for my own personal integrity? The answer is absolutely, incontrovertibly "maybe".


Trevor Daniels, from Orange County, CA writes:
I have not read your column regarding the recent Senate bill demanding the administration be held accountable for how it treats detainees of the Global War on Terror. Care to give us a summary?

Robert Novak:
Sure: John McCain is batshit. How do I know? That cripple spent how many years getting the rice beat out of him by the Vietcong? That doesn't make for a stable person, and I know, because I've read the post beat-down transcripts from the ragheads at Gitmo. It surprises me that McCain was able to shore up so much support for this bill, but I guess there are two reasons why: One is that some other Senators were spooked by McCain's violent flashbacks. The other reasons is that some Democrats have homo-hard-ons for McCain, who they think is really one of them, when he's as big a pro-life loony as...well...you get the idea.

But it doesn't matter. That bill might as well have been printed on toilet paper. The Senate's been surrendering its power to the White House for decades, and now we conservative apparatchiks have them where we want them – rubber-stamping whatever we want, and so impotent that when they try and enact legislation that is not on the schedule, we can pretty much ignore it. Not me personally, of course. The Administration. I'm totally impartial. (BIG SEXY WINK)

On another note, did you know that former President Clinton is unguarded every day from 8:00 - 8:10am while his Secret Service detail switches shifts? Interesting, right?


Susan Washington, from Newport, RI writes:
You attacked the President for his nomination of Harriet Miers. Why shouldn't we, as conservatives, just trust him? After all, we as well as you have trusted him this far.

Robert Novak:
Sometimes it pays off to tell it like it is, but I wouldn't now. I do know this: our mole in Abu Musab al-Zarkawi's inner circle is named Nasir Norouzi. I also know I had to distance myself from Karl and the White House. I had to break from towing the line and make the conservatives feel powerful in order to keep convincing them that the old politics of compromise were not returning anytime soon. And to this, I had to bitch about Harry Miers. See, America loves an underdog, and the President always looks good when he's getting it from all sides. If the Democrats think the party is divided, they'll get cocky and stupid, and continue thinking that hunchbacked creeps like Chuck Schumer angrily whining in front of the cameras like someone stole his Preparation H really advances their dusty, cobweb-covered message.

And then won't it be sweet when I become a born-again Bush Republican? When, despite the fact of Mier's performance in front of the Senate, I write that I had been wrong, that Harry is the best possible candidate ever and she'll make sure that every woman's womb be given a USDA tattoo? And then you'll see the GOP unite. Because we all believe in the same thing: winning, at any cost.


Michael Brighum, from Colchester, VT writes:
Dear Mr. Novak - What an honor it is to be addressing the most patriotic newsman in all of non-FOX media! You are so wise. My question is, with so many great connections who are just bursting with sensitive information, how do you choose what and what not to put in your columns?

Robert Novak:
Well Michael, you have touched on one of the greatest challenges that any towering pillar of journalistic integrity faces: how to balance the right of the public to be informed with the realization that a certain amount of discretion is required to protect this great nation of ours. Of course, this typically requires a judgement call. And fortunately for the American people, I have fantastic judgement.

For instance, I might refer to "covert intelligence" instead of outright revealing that America recently installed a camouflaged surveillance camera on the northeast corner of that big ugly black Rubik's Cube thing in Mecca. Or I might mention "pending operations" in reference to next week's Delta Force raid on Osama bin Laden's hideout at 58 Falafel Avenue in Kandahar. Or I might invoke "overheard chatter" when what I'm really talking about is the bug that a CIA dentist implanted in the Iranian ambassador's 2nd bicuspid last week.

So you see Michael, you have to be very cautious – or Lord only knows the irreparable damage you could do to national security!


Jim Patrick, from Maysville, KY writes:
Mr. Novak, I have no idea why you are not being tried for treason. At any other time in our history it would be so. But, with this corrupt administration they have been able to deter the law of the land. You, Mr. Novak should be in jail. YOU ARE A TRAITOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robert Novak:
Well I think that's bullshit! And don't like that!

[STORMS AWAY FROM COMPUTER.]

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