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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (07.19.2007):
GUT OF SECRETARY MICHAEL CHERTOFF
"On Tuesday, Michael Chertoff, the secretary of homeland security, told the editorial board of The Chicago Tribune that he had a 'gut feeling' about a new period of increased risk."
   - New York Times: 7/11/07

The Gut of Secretary Michael Chertoff was appointed to the Department of Homeland Security by President George W. Bush on January 11, 2005. A native of Elizabeth, New Jersey, Michael Chertoff's Gut brings over fifty years of experience in the containment of essential bodily organs, with special emphasis on the efficient digestion of ethnic Jewish foodstuffs. Reknowned for its peerless expertise in clairvoyance, the Gut will take your questions about safety, security, and the looming specter of mass death by terrorism – right here on ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.


Bernard Jackson, from Wichita, KS writes:
I have noticed at my local Circle K that a number of Middle Eastern looking men who work there are always talking to each other in some kind of nonsense rat language. Like the other day, I bought a nacho cheese flavored Slim Jim and a can of Mountain Dew and I gave them a ten dollar bill. Then one of the ragheads behind the register turns to the other raghead with this dot on his head like a sniper's laser and blabbers something and the other raghead pulls out a roll of fresh quarters. Then get this, the dune coon behind the register snaps the rolls open, pours them into the cash drawer, and gives me change. Since you're a legitimate member of this Administration, do you think these two terrorists are planning on gang raping my 100% American wife Barbara-Anne? (The thought of them orgasming while yelling "Allah Akbar" makes me wanna puke!)

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Yes.


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Tom H., from Des Moines, IA writes:
Thank you for taking my question. I feel so much better knowing that major decisions affecting my safety are being made based on careful analysis and deliberation! Recently I was driving down an I-80 exit ramp on my way to pick up some KFC, when I noticed what *looked* like a putrefying possum carcass on the side of the road. But given the situation in Iraq, I'm positive that this was actually a sophisticated, Iranian-built IED, which will detonate the next time I drive by, igniting the fifty gallon fuel tank of my Chevy Suburban, and shredding my body into a million unidentifiable hunks of manburger. My question is, now that I've outfitted my rig with a roof rack howitzer, is it OK if I – just to be safe – blow away any and all other suspicious-looking hairballs from a quarter mile away?

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Yes.


Darleen P., from St. George, UT writes:
I am blessed to live in a city and state with extremely low rates of both crime and ethnicity. My daughter attends an exclusive Christian kindergarten in our gated community. Though the facility has its own electrified razorwire fence, an alarm system, and key card controlled dead bolts on both exterior and interior doors, I have noticed that there are no bars on the windows. Given this egregious lapse in security, do you feel I should be concerned about the extreme likelihood that my daughter will be decapitated and dismembered by Al Qaeda, and her murder posted to YouTube?

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Definitely.


Alice Butler, from Portland, OR writes:
The Holy Spirit blessed me with a vision the other night. It was a normal night: I had taken my usual prescribed handful of Ambien, and woke up in my usual place, stuffing my face with ding dongs from the cupboard. And then it came to me: if know exactly where the terrorists are planning their next SPECTACULAR attack! It will be HORRIBLY FABULOUS! Do you think that the terrorists are planning on homicide bombing Celine Dion's "A New Day..." musical extravaganza at Ceasar's Palace? I saw it last summer, and was moved to tears by its sheer beauty. I am afraid that attack will be the "death blow" of our country.

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Absolutely.


Timothy K., from Pickardville, ND writes:
I understand that you play an important role in deciding how to disburse counter-terrorism funds to communities around the country. Given that my town (pop. 117) is home to the world famous Museum of Cornhusk Crafts, do you feel that we are justified in our plan to request $643 million to build the world's largest subterranean bunker – containing an exact replica of our entire town – into which we can relocate once the inevitable occurs and terrorists select this summer's Kiwanis Club picnic to detonate a 50 megaton nukular bomb?

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Yes.


Karen McGaughey, from Wilmington, NC writes:
Do you think my husband Roger is having an affair with that fat bitch from Bible Study? He's always agreeing with her on her interpretation of the Gospels, and nodding whenever she opens her big, slimey mouth about which Apostle was Jesus' favorite or what this or that meant in the Sermon on the Mount. I've started sniffing his fingers when he gets home, but I'm still paranoid. What do you think?

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Yes.


Pam Palmer, from Ferndale, IN writes:
I've been reading all kinds of stories lately about how Red China is shipping dangerous things to us folks in the USA – stuff like pet food and toys and toothpaste – and it has me TERRIFIED! I had a dream that the Chineses are now working with Saddam bin Laden, and that there plan is to destroy us by having are Wal-Marts be filled with their TERROR stuff, so we is to ascared to shop and we have no clothes or food and die all naked and hungry. Do you feel this is what is going on?

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Definitely.


Justin Riley, from Long Beach, CA writes:
My gut tells me that Al Queda terrorists are masquerading as Mexi-Ricans and are planning on launching a campaign of terror pretending to be illegal alien immigrants. Think about it: both are brown skinned people, both enjoy living in deserts, both have moustaches, and both enjoy women who have wide hips. I recently had a California shrimp salad at the Applebee's that was invented by television celebrity chef Tyler Florence. It had baby spinach. Baby spinach is picked by Mexicans (terrorists??) and that night I had e coli because I had the serious shits. Terrorists (Mexicans??) are wiping their bottoms with our spinach. You are an elected gut, is my gut right?

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Yes.


Muhammed Fatwah, from Lexington, KY writes:
I am a secular third generation Persian American. My grandparents came to Ellis Island during the days before the Shah. I have never known any country or culture but the USA, and the only thing I like more than whiskey and rock and roll is chowing down on pulled pork and infidel pussy! Given my olive complexion though, do you feel it's safe to say that I am genetically programmed for terror? Is it just a matter of time before I declare myself a one-man sleeper cell, then strap on a suicide vest of nukepox grenades and transform the first suburban Chi-Chi's I can find into a scorching inferno of death?

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
No doubt about it.


Darren Lewis, from New York, NY writes:
I live in New York City. Well, Brooklyn to be exact. Am I going to die from the firey, concussive force of a nuclear blast in downtown Manhattan, or am I going to die a lingering, painful death from radiation fallout caused by a dirty bomb? Thank you.

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
Yes.


Dwayne W., from Albuquerque, NM writes:
Hey there. Thank you for protecting me from Allah. Me and my buddy Jimmy got us a bet about where and when's the next 9/11™ gonna be. He's giving me 2 to 1 odds it'll be Busch Gardens on 9/11/2007, but I'm holding out for Disney World on 9/11/2008. Since you're a gut, I was hoping you could tell me what yourself tells you? Help a dude out? I got a C-note riding on this!

Secretary Chertoff's Gut:
All signs point to "soon" and "everywhere."

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