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In This Installment (05.23.2006):
Mary Cheney is the daughter (technically) of Vice President Dick Cheney and Second Lady Lynne Cheney. A legacy graduate of Colorado College, Mary woke up one morning and, sometime after her second cup of coffee, decided to be a lesbian. Having carelessly made this gratuitous lifestyle choice, Miss Cheney has spent the past decade juggling the sometimes awkwardly competing lives of a shame-ravaged, hairy-legged spinster and a fabulously compensated GOP consultant who conducts election year "outreaches" to a constituency that shall remain nameless. Though fiercely private, Mary (accompanied by her public relations special envoy) is nevertheless happy to take questions about her fabulous new million dollar memoir – "Now It's My Turn" – right here on ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.

Wayne Thomas, from Omaha, NE writes:
Mary, congratulations on your new book! I would love to buy a copy, but it's $25.00, and unfortunately, your father's economic policies have put my family and me into the poor house. Is there any way you could please send me a free copy?

Mary Cheney:
Free? Listen dickface, I'll tell you the same thing I told John Edwards' sniveling little tot at one of the debates: Go fuck yourself! You want something for nothing? Get a trust fund. Or trick Simon & Schuster into paying you $1,000,000 for a book no one wants to read, you lazy, cheap piece of sh–

Mary Matalin:
AHEM! What our heroic Vice President's robustly patriotic daughter means to say is that she's delighted that you're so enthusiastic about her insightful and poetic new page-turner: "Now It's My Turn", available at all book stores everywhere, and priced especially for the handful of industrious war profiteers who have actually made financial gains over the past five years. Writing it was a real challenge – converting something scribbled onto a beer coaster into 256 pages – but also a wonderful, religious experience filled with the kind of cleansing self-deception and bracing doubletalk that the American people have told us, with their votes, that they can't get enough of.

Miss Cheney is also terribly sorry that you have misunderstood the genius of her father's economic policies, but is optimistic that one day soon, you might nevertheless reap the wonderful "trickle down" benefits of her million dollar book advance!

Svetlana Dukovnik, from New York, NY writes:
You've called John Kerry a "son of a bitch" and John Edwards "total slime" after they spoke positively of your sexuality during the last presidential election cycle. In contrast, Alan Keyes has called you a selfish hedonist, and Jerry Falwell has inferred that you are mentally unstable because of your lesbianism. Why nothing to say about them?

Mary Cheney:
What the fuck are you talking about? In "Now I'm Turned On", I say how–

Mary Matalin:
"Now It's My Turn."

Mary Cheney:
No, it's my turn to talk, bitch!

Mary Matalin:
No, that's the title of the book I, ur, you wrote. "Now It's My Turn."

Mary Cheney:
Whatever. Anyway, in the book I'm here to sell, I told that dirty coon Keyes to zip those fat purple jigaboo lips, and said that pudding-neck faggot Falwell can suck my clit hood! It's right there in the book that is available everywhere for $25. I'm not sure exactly what page, but I know for sure that it's before the middle 'cause I never finished the sucker–

Mary Matalin:
What Mary is saying is that, like her father, she's never liked flip-flopping–

Mary Cheney:
I fucking hate flip-flops! Even with a fistful of Lamisil, I've got two feet full of Digger the hermaphrodite.

Mary Matalin:

Mary Cheney:
Whatever. Anyway, my fucking toenails look like they're full of custard!

Mary Matalin:
What Miss Cheney means is that John Kerry and John Edwards are both unsightly flip-floppers.

So while Mary may politely disagree with the pious, unassailable religious convictions of her esteemed fellow Republicans Alan Keyes and Jerry Falwell, she doesn't think that it would be appropriate or seemly for her to object to their prayers that she be gang-raped by lava-ejaculating demons in Hell for all eternity. Indeed, she sees it as her loyal duty to her party to join in on such prayers.

I think many famous minority-types in history could have benefited from her obsequious example. Maybe if Martin Luther King Jr. had had the same kind of clarity of vision that Mary does, he'd have cancelled all those silly "single issue" marches, registered as a Dixiecrat, and gone to work on Strom Thurmond's presidential campaign! Because Mr. King was a sad, angry "single issue" voter, notorious for his crazed obsession with how black people were treated. Frankly, Miss Cheney's obedient enough not to go down that same crazy, liberal road of being worried about one's own civil rights. You see, Mary is bright enough to know that she doesn't have the luxury of being a "single issue" voter after seeing the terms of her Halliburton inheritance.

Mary is also thankful that her father's staff took time out of their busy schedules to carefully proofread her book, excising several four-chapter typos, classifying the paragraph she actually wrote, and refreshing her wildly unreliable recollection by reminding her that her loving parents responded to her "I'm a Lesbo!" news in high school with ecstatic joy, not the jagged end of a broken Cutty Sark bottle.

Chastity Bono, from Los Angeles, CA writes:
Mary – I hope you take some comfort in the knowledge that you're not the only Sister of Sappho to be publicly humiliated by her famous Republican father. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, you will always have a muscular (yet hairless) shoulder to cry on here in Hollywood.

Mary Cheney:
Humiliated? I'm not humiliated! Why don't you choke on my strap-on, you Tinseltown pigdyke cun–

Mary Matalin:
Ur, Mary so appreciates your support. Even if your Hollywood liberal elite mother's voice is so painful to listen to, even Laura Ingraham wouldn't tell her to "Shut Up and Sing!" You know, one of the greatest things about writing this book – aside from the million dollar advance – has been the wonderful reaction from the American people. If Mary were inclined to say anything before money changed hands, she would tell you right this very minute how rewarding this publicity tour has been. Many's the evening she has been exiting a Barnes and Noble after reading to another capacity crowd of quarters of dozens of Secret Service agents, only to walk out of the store in Manhattan and finding that everywhere she looked the streets were FULL of people, showing their support for her, but being respectful enough of her privacy not to approach or even look at her.

Trina Van Ness, from Phoenix, AZ writes:
I watched your interview with David Letterman the other night, and I just wanted to compliment you on your poise and tact in the face of his NASTY interrogation. Whose idea was it to have you go on that HORRIBLE man's show?

Mary Cheney:
Having to sit there, all fucking ladylike and everything, and knowing I couldn't smack the shit outta that gap-toothed asshole tried my patience more than having to drink a six-pack of longneck beers one at a time! His whole staff was a pack of fucking fairies – and not just that swishy cueball queen Paul Schaffer, either. As soon as we cut to commercial, I told them they could all limbo under my one dress and kiss my fat twat–

Mary Matalin:
What Miss Cheney means is that she greatly appreciates any opportunity to communicate with the American people about her gripping new memoir – "Now It's My Turn" – and thoroughly enjoys interacting with the hosts of all varieties of television talk shows. Truth is, we're so pleased with the outcome of Mary's Late Show interview, you can look forward to plenty more television appearances on such diverse outlets as Fox & Friends, Hannity & Colmes, On the Record With Greta Van Susteren, and The O'Reilly Factor.

Sarah Faustmann, from Meadville, PA writes:
How did you feel about the story that involved two gay men being sentenced to death for homosexuality in Iran? Have you ever discussed that with your father?

Mary Cheney:
I heard about that. What fucking morons. If they were smart, they would have been born the children of Ayatollahs, then spent their whole lives dutifully supporting the status quo of the autocratic theocracy – and then maybe they could have scored million dollar book deals instead of just getting killed because the virgins they wanted if they ever blew themselves up all had big, hairy dicks!

And yeah, I told my dad we should nuke those fuckers. He said that's totally the plan.

Pat Johnson, from Troy, ID writes:
How do you deal with the outstanding success of your Mother's book Sisters? I see piles and piles of your book at Borders marked way down, but your Mom's book is so coveted that it's only available at collector sites or on eBay for big money! Does that bother you at all?

Mary Cheney:
Here's the thing: Mom doesn't have the imagination to picture the metaphoric stick up her ass, so if she writes something, it's got to be something she's seen. So the only way Mom could write a novel about lesbians is if she's slurped on a nice juicy par of twat lips. And that's what really chapped my ass. Here, she's obviously been munching in Lady Valley, and when I tell her, "I have too!" she grabs that fucking Cutty Sark bottle and smashes–

Mary Matalin:
Ur, Mary why don't you save the delightfully playful high jinx of your devoted mother for the next $25 book? Let's not give away what we can dangle before Judith Regan's checkbook.

Sam Smith, from Charleston, WV writes:
Are you personally acquainted with any liberal gay activists? If so, how does your father's party feel about it?

Mary Cheney:
Fuck no. Just because I chomp sweet twat doesn't mean I can't also hate liberals' guts. Growing up, my family would play this awesome game in the back yard: dad and mom would hang up 8x10 glossies of Billie Jean King and the fag who ran the fruitiest florists in Casper, then have my sister and I would "do a Dad" and SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE! That's why even today, every time some liberal fruit tries to talk to me, I like to pretend my finger's on the trigger and I'm–

Mary Matalin:
Mary strongly believes that the best way to help the... em... community that you mention is to reach out to them and bring them into the more wholesome mainstream. Like by getting them to end their boycott against the righteously fag-bashing brewery Adolph Coors, or to vote for the political party that courageously demonizes and subjugates them in order to provoke America's most angry homo-haters to get out to the polls, and retain its white-knuckled grip on power. And that's exactly what she's been doing for the past ten years!

Ann Burnett Townsent, from Cary, NC writes:
If you could say one thing to our troops currently dying in Iraq because of your father's love for war, a fondness that stops just short of actually participating in one when drafted, what would it be?

Mary Cheney:
It's in the book. $25, you Jew.

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Mary Matalin:
Well, actually, that particular answer is not in the book. But there are words in the book, "Now It's My Turn," that could be put together to form an answer. There's your $25 worth right there!

Sean Atwell, from Washington, DC writes:
What do you think of sophomoric leftist websites ridiculing you for being the openly-gay-for-a-book-advance daughter of an influential conservative politician? Does their naked hatred of gays such as yourself who are not fellow political cum dumpsters for Bill Clinton or cookie-cutter zombie skanks like Nancy Pelosi upset, encourage, or have no effect upon you?

Mary Cheney:
Actually, I like it. I like it because I know they're digging their own graves, on account of I know that my dad's right-hand man David Addington reads and prints copies of everything they're doing, and he is one mean, spiteful SOB who can AND WILL fuck those motherfuckers up and systematically destroy their lives – just as soon as he finds a little free time away from his main job crafting legal justifications for viciously torturing all those Arabiac scumbags at Guantan–

Mary Matalin:
What Miss Cheney means is that she shares your concern over the tone of today's polarizing political discourse, especially from the liberal pinko America-hating Democrats, who probably all go to bed each night hoping that our brave boys and girls in uniform will all be killed.

Dr. Skinner, from Atlanta, GA writes:
Ma'am, I noticed you let your hair grow out some. I'm compelled to say, you look more womanly. Are you trying a change of pace? Is it symbolic gesture of some sort?

Mary Cheney:
Yeah, before Simon & Schuster forked over the check for that chick in Mary's office to write my book, they said, "Lose the Dennis the Menace look."

Mary Matalin:
She kids. Actually, Miss Cheney's new, almost-female make-over, which our imprint merely suggested as a polite precondition to being paid, is really just a seamless segue on Miss Cheney's liberating path to complete assimilation with the demographic that loathes her. Some call it Stockholm Syndrome – I call it a kicky new blond bob!

Jose, from Springfield, VA writes:
Do you think America will ever have a GAY president in the future?

Mary Cheney:
In the future? HA! Why do you think Uncle George hired Jeff Gannon to work in the West Wing? I once walked in on those two slapping balls right on the conference room ta–

Mary Matalin:

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