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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (03.18.2004):
MRS. RICHARD CHENEY: SECOND LADY
Good afternoon! I'm Mrs. Richard Cheney. As you probably know, I have long stood as a pillar of feminine neoconservatism – having dedicated my entire adult life to the preservation of an America in which white Christian women enjoy the privilege of never needing to question the 19th century status quo. Indeed, whether in my role as a blacklist author, right-wing think tank officer, or fire-breathing pundit for CNN's Crossfire, I have been a proud personification of the truism that if God had wanted the weaker sex working, he'd have made them pretty much indistinguishable from dudes in the first place. As part of Women's History Month 2004, I am proud to take your questions here on "Ask the White House." Let's begin, shall we?


Juliette Hagan, from Boston, MA writes:
First of all, I just have to say that I loved your book about cross-stitching pioneer women, Sisters. I do hope that we will be seeing a screen adaptation of your masterpiece in the future! Are there plans for a sequel? Oh, please say there are!

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Oh Juliette, you are too kind! And may I say what a lovely name you have? I can almost imagine you perched in front of your computer, delicately erect, the warm glow of its monitor flickering like firelight over the statuesque contours of your high cheek bones and flawlessly slender, lightly perfumed neck. And with each thoughtful word you type, the gentle vibrations of the tiny springs within the keyboard penetrate deep into your person, reverberating downwards through your exquisite skeleton like frantic Morse Code racing across a hot steel telegraph cable, terminating in the dewy nexus of your fragrant sex, to which fine black silken underthings cling humidly, as if...

Gracious – but where was I?! Oh yes, Sisters! You know, it's been almost 24 years since that novel was published, yet I never fail to be moved when told of the deep, damp passions it brings gushing forth from generations of nubile young readers such as yourself.

Unfortunately, as you know, there was but one small printing of Sisters, and though with the passage of time, demand has risen steadily at Womyn's Folk Fests world-wide, my stern taskmaster of a husband has declared that never again shall my most personal work of prose know the satisfying pounding of a printing press, nor the loving carress of a screenwriter's adaptation. Oh Juliette! Would that this cruel world were free of the beastly influence of man!

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Kendra Williams, from Columbus, NE writes:
Dear Mrs. Dick Cheney;
I have always thought that your wardrobe is second only to that of Mrs. George W. Bush. Do the two of you ever borrow clothes from one another, and does the First Lady ever offer you advice on couture?

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Kendra – another melodic and sublime name! If only we were not at this very moment separated by the frigid cyber-divide of these heartless digital contrivances! Then I might answer you it was meant to be, gazing deeply into your azure-blue eyes, almost fawn-like in their unsullied innocence. How they dart with timid inquisitiveness towards the plunging neckline of my yellowed terrycloth housecoat! And so I take your hand in mine, oh sweet girl, and call out your blessed name. "Kendra! Kendra!" Why, it simply rolls about the probing, almost muscular tip of my tongue so smoothly, not unlike the warm and hairless inner folds of...

But you had a question, didn't you? Something about clothing. Well of course, of the two of us, Mrs. George W. Bush is the fashion plate. Yes, she kindly offers me advice, and I do squeeze myself into the occasional floral pattern skirt suit for diplomatic functions, but around the Wyoming bunkhouse, you're much more likely to find me in my regular attire: oversized carpenter's dungarees, Vibram®-soled yellow leather workboots, one of three tattered Indigo Girls concert t-shirts with the sleeves cut off, and a big old brass belt buckle that says "Leon."


Jeff Drexler, from Winchester, VA writes:
Do you have pet name for your husband?

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Well isn't that a fascinating question, Mr. Jeff I-Have-A-Penis-So-I-Think-Get-To-Ask-Whatever-I-Want-No-Matter-How-Banal-Or-Latently-Misogynistic-It-May-Be Drexler! Yes, I have a pet name for him: "DICK." Next question.


Suzanne, from Amarillo, TX writes:
While most people may only be aware of your seminal novel Sisters, I have read everything you've ever done, and I just want to say that I think you're a BRILLIANT author. Do you have any recommended reading for aspiring young female writers?

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Suzanne – dear sweet Suzanne. I want you to know how touched I am that you would seek out my hand-held guidance as you take your first trembling steps towards self-discovery. As for particular works of literature to help you realize and embrace your inner voice, it may surprise you to learn that I have no specific recommendations. Let me simply say that you must strive to instill in yourself a ravenous appetite for the written word. Seek out that which is inspiring and unexpected, replete with honesty and unflinching authenticity. Let narrative of every stripe and persuasion be your influence – your curious and always restless muse. Yes, embrace the diverse and determinedly eclectic, yet never forget that genuine veracity dwells always within.

I hope that helps, Suzanne.

With Love,

       - Mrs. Richard Cheney


Alec, from Reedsburg, WI writes:
Mrs. Cheney,

I was wondering which concerned you more: your husband's connections to Halliburton and thus Halliburton's ties to lucrative government contracts in Iraq, or your husband's heart condition and its effect on his ability to perform as Vice President?

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Honestly, Mr. Man, neither my husband's multinational energy conglomerate nor his parakeet heart concern me in the least. Next question.


Tom, from Portland, OR writes:
Can you please comment on the "Dear Mary" initiative, wherein homosexual (liberal) advocates are urging your openly lesbian daughter to speak out against the Republican party's proposed Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage?

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Let's start by clearning something up here, Tom-Boy. I have stated publicly on numerous occasions that no daughter of mine ever could be or would be one of those. At the end of the day, the entire Cheney family is fully united and homogeneous. We speak as if through one mouth. Specifically, one mouth that would never leave a sloppy trail of urgent cherry lipgloss kisses running southward down the wispy treasure trail of an insatiable sapphic trollop's toned and velvety belly, then hover trepidatiously above the mossy triangle of sweet delight, transfixed by the sight of my husky panting's moisture condensing like morning dew on the delicate branches of unkempt bramble. Then plunging, plunging with absolute and total abandon, into the luxuriously carpeted abyss of ultimate ecstasy which dare not whisper its name – at least not before a thorough flossing.

No, that mouth is not ours. Good day, sir!


Wendy LosCocas, from Provo, UT writes:
You are in a unique position to comment on the scandal involving the Honorable Justice Scalia and his hunting trip with the litigants in the case involving your husband's behind-closed-doors-super-secret meetings with lobbyists from the energy industry regarding the Cheney-Bush administration's energy policy. From your observations of Mr. Scalia and your husband, both on a social and a professional level, is there anything inappropriate about their relationship such that Justice Scalia should in fact recuse himself?

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Wendy, oh Wendy – why trouble your precious mind with thoughts of the course and vulgar doings of men? Though Richard and I may share a roof, ours are largely separate lives. His and my friendships are our own, and we delve not into the minutiae of one another's private affairs. And so while I am unable to offer an opinion on the matter of Justice Scalia's professional duties, I can say that I would prefer that he recuse himself from the practice of leaving pornographic blonde jokes on our home answering machine.


Heather Doolittle, from St. Louis, MO writes:
I have read it reported often that you disapprove of the media's tendency to dwell on lurid, all-too-personal details of the lives of public figures. I couldn't agree with you more! I think it's a travesty the way that people have dragged your family's most intimate secrets out into the blinding light of day. No doubt that during all your years in Washington, you have been privy to many a personal tidbit that you would never have the indecency to scream from the hilltops. My question to you is, isn't it true that Bill Clinton throat-fucked that fat Jew because wife was too busy spending her evenings murdering male lovers in Ft. Marcy Park when she wasn't dining at the Hairy Taco?

Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Heather, Heather – light and soft as a feather. How blessed am I to be on the receiving end of your probing inquiry? You are correct, my dearest one – I find most repellant the common rabble's tawdry appetite for gossip, and am most fervent in my desire to preserve the privacy of my blessed family. As for Ms. Rodham-Clinton, whose uppity ideology is so at odds with my own, it would be indiscreet of me to reveal even one of the countless scandalous details I've overheard on the dozens of wiretaps my husband maintains in her homes. Suffice it to say that despite our mutual loathing, I think of Hillary as if she were one of my very own Sisters. So were I to hypothetically speak openly of her penchant for all-night beaver hoovering, I would only say... "How strong it makes her. What comfort it gives."


Mrs. Richard Cheney:
Well this was an invigorating experience, but I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for all your questions everyone! God Bless!

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