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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (07.01.2003):
MRS. GEORGE W. BUSH: FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Mrs. George W. Bush is the kind of First Lady who makes American women proud to stand up and sit down for what their husbands believe in again. As only the second President's wife in history to earn a mannish post-graduate degree, she has nevertheless redeemed herself by wisely conforming to her mother-in-law's strict "procreation and libation" mandate. Along with Bess Truman, Mrs. Bush is also one of only two First Ladies to immediately succeed a bona fide East Wing lezz-bean. Mrs. Bush answered your "Ask the White House" questions on July 1, 2003.


Mrs. Bush:
Hello, I'm Laura Bush and I want to thank everyone for writing in with their questions and their comments. While most of them weren't suitable for printing – and a few are now with the Secret Service – I did find a handful that will serve as suitable segues into my pre-prepared answers. So let's begin!


Jim, from Bluefield, WV writes:
I am an education major in my first year of college and was wondering if you had any advice for a future teacher. Thanks for answering my question.

Mrs. Bush:
As one who spent just over a year actually teaching, and over twenty years talking about it, my advice is simple. Find yourself a Stetson-wearing alpha male who'll let you stay home and Clorox cabinets, and GET OUT as soon as you can before those inquisitive little brats drive you stark raving mad.


Fluffy, from Phoenix, AZ writes:
Mrs. Bush, as a librarian, what is your opinion of the idea that library records (what people check out which books) should be made available to department of Homeland Security in order to keep track of people with suspicious taste in books? What would you say to people who claim you're just paying lip service to libraries?

Mrs. Bush:
Dear Supporter of My Husband's Administration:

Goodness me, what, exactly, are you hiding? You anti-government flower children are not fooling anyone, least of all Mr. Ashcroft. People who make a big to-do about so-called civil liberties are usually up to something. Land sakes alive, if someone is reading a book that doesn't start with 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth,' it is suspicious. I'm a great believer in dropping the names of prestigious Russian authors, but that doesn't mean I'm reckless enough to actually read that communism-inciting garbage. Whether folks are checking out books on how to make bombs or something by Michael Moore, they need to be contained immediately so that the anti-American filth they are exposed to doesn't poison others who don't engage in the dangerous gambit of venturing beyond Fox News for the information.


Monica, from Dallas, TX writes:
Howdy from the home state Mrs W! I was just wondering because you're all into books and stuff, Why your husband has't provide any for my kids in school. They are having to share 2 or 3 to a history book that was writen nearly 20 years ago.

Mrs. Bush:
Believe me, we are doing your tykes a grand favor. By ensuring that their history books are at least twenty years old, we are shielding them from reading the shocking recounting of a plump Jewess intern with man-mess all over her cheap blue dress.


Zach Sire, from Long Beach, CA writes:
I am planning a Patriotic 4th of July Red, White and Blue Jesus Christ American Celebration and was wondering if you could suggest any Holier than Thou Cocktails that my God fearing guests might enjoy? I am pro America, so please, no Margaritas or funky homo "coffee" drinks! Thanks.
Your friend,
Zach

Mrs. Bush:
Being Texans, we like to mix up a pitcher or three of "Alamo Basements." It's a wonderful concoction that Jenna taught us how to make when she came back from summer camp back in 1992. Here is the recipe:

An "Alamo Basement"
  • 2 parts peach schnapps
  • 1 part Ballerina vodka (or any vodka that comes in a 1/2 gallon plastic easy-pour safety bottle)
  • A crushed Vicodin (If any of your guests is such an anal stickler for historical accuracy that they say, "There is no basement in the Alamo!," substitute TWO Vicodin.)
  • A splash of soda
It's served through a funnel and accompanied by chanting. Enjoy.


Forrest Jenkins , from Memphis, TN writes:
When will the White House take a stand against the pagan teachings of the Harry Potter books and sponsor a national burning of these vile witchcraft manuals?

Mrs. Bush:
Dear True Christian: I must admit that ever since Harry gave me the inspiration for my "no muss no fuss" hairstyle, I've always had a soft spot for the boy.


Susan, from Durham, NC writes:
Mrs. Bush: I admire how you can keep so calm and collected in times of great stress, particularly immediately after September 11th. How do you manage to handle your stress so well? Does exercise help you-how do you do it?

Mrs. Bush:
I am very careful with my health. I do exercise as does the President. We both like to be outside and take walks together. We go to bed early and get up early. All of these things help us relieve stress, but our favorite stress reduction technique is playing with our animals – Barney, Spot and Willie (the cat), who seldom makes public appearances.


Jane, from Seattle, WA writes:
Now that summer is here I have time to catch up on some reading. I'm kind of looking for something action packed with lots of violence and sex. Which version of the Bible do you recommend?

Mrs. Bush:
If you are looking for something salacious, nothing beats a plastic laminated "beach ready" King James! As a young girl in Midland, I remember getting to the part that talked about the harlot who was sleeping with men that had thingies as big a donkeys and splattered her face like race horses ("For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." Ezekiel 23:20) and I just knew I had picked the right religion!


Jay R. Fazek , from Akron, OH writes:
The legal blood alcohol limit in Ohio was officially lowered at midnight this morning to .08. What is your opinion on this, considering your extensive experience with drunk driving in your family?

Mrs. Bush:
Most of our Republican friends keep maps of the Red and Blue states that designate which stretches of desolate brush voted for my husband. Bushies' and my map, however, keeps track of which states are just tempting fate to drive in. Thanks to a call from Diana Ross and your e-mail, I am managing to keep all 50 states current. Thank you so much for your kind help in that regard!


Mike Mack, from Joshua Tree, CA writes:
Given the fact that you must certainly consider George W. to be the Spiritual Warrior of your Christian household, how important is his daily Bible Reading in your family and which Old Testament book do you believe offers the best tips for proper wifely submission to the Husband? Is it Leviticus or Deuteronomy? My mother is certain you'll pick Leviticus but I have a hunch that you are a Deuteronomy gal at heart.

Mrs. Bush:
In our household, the Old Testament is most helpful when we wish to sacrifice a small pet or stone a disobedient daughter to death. But when it comes to keeping feisty females in their place, we have traditionally turned to the New Testament for guidance. There, we are told by Paul that since a woman caused all of our problems in the first place (Eve, not Hillary), only penised-persons should talk in church. (1 Timothy 2:12) Since no civilized Republican wife is going to scream at her husband, kick him in the groin, or splash a cocktail across his face in public, I find that this mild limitation works out just fine.


Rohan Brown, from Toronto, Canada writes:
As First Lady, can you explain your strategy to help alleviate poverty in the world?

Mrs. Bush:
When it comes to helping the poor, all of us in this administration take our cues from my spiritual advisor, Mrs. Betty Bowers, who said, "Since Jesus told us that the poor will always be with us, I would never do anything that would risk turning Him into a liar."


Stuart, from United Kingdom writes:
Does the White House have a library?

Mrs. Bush:
Yes, the White House does have a library. It was decorated by Jackie Kennedy and it's a room I use often both for interviews and doing my Jane Fonda tape. Its book collection used to focus on the lives of Presidents, but Bushie and I had those moldy old volumes hauled away and replaced with handsome, all-new leather-bound sets of The Complete Chick Tracts.


Elva, from West Virginia writes:
How would you feel if your daughters were serving in Iraq right now?

Mrs. Bush:
I'd probably feel the same way I would if they suddenly turned colored, grew wings, and flew off to join AA. In other words, it's never happening, so why would I bother wasting my time empathizing with anybody who's so poor that they have children who are voluntarily slumming it in active duty?

Frankly, hardly any of the men folk in the White House were either poor or stupid enough to serve in Viet Nam. Those who were too lazy to come up with inventive reasons for a deferment of service had parents who cared enough about them to pull some strings to get them in the National Guard. Therefore, you won't find much sympathy around here for blue-collar dolts who ship their children overseas to die over some foolish brouhaha that everyone forgives and forgets in five years.


Mrs. Bush:
Well, I'm afaid that's all the time we have. Thank you all so much for coming - and for reading what I had to say!

Bye!

- LWB

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