Goodness me, what, exactly, are you hiding? You anti-government flower children are not fooling anyone, least of
all Mr. Ashcroft. People who make a big to-do about so-called civil liberties are usually up to something. Land
sakes alive, if someone is reading a book that doesn't start with 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the
earth,' it is suspicious. I'm a great believer in dropping the names of prestigious Russian authors,
but that doesn't mean I'm reckless enough to actually read that communism-inciting garbage. Whether folks are
checking out books on how to make bombs or something by Michael Moore, they need to be contained immediately so
that the anti-American filth they are exposed to doesn't poison others who don't engage in the dangerous gambit
of venturing beyond Fox News for the information.
Monica, from Dallas, TX writes:
Howdy from the home state Mrs W! I was just wondering because you're all into books and stuff, Why your
husband has't provide any for my kids in school. They are having to share 2 or 3 to a history book that was writen
nearly 20 years ago.
Believe me, we are doing your tykes a grand favor. By ensuring that their history books are at least twenty
years old, we are shielding them from reading the shocking recounting of a plump Jewess intern with man-mess all over her
cheap blue dress.
Zach Sire, from Long Beach, CA writes:
I am planning a Patriotic 4th of July Red, White and Blue Jesus Christ American Celebration and was wondering
if you could suggest any Holier than Thou Cocktails that my God fearing guests might enjoy? I am pro America, so
please, no Margaritas or funky homo "coffee" drinks! Thanks.
Being Texans, we like to mix up a pitcher or three of "Alamo Basements." It's a wonderful concoction that Jenna
taught us how to make when she came back from summer camp back in 1992. Here is the recipe:
An "Alamo Basement"
It's served through a funnel and accompanied by chanting. Enjoy.
- 2 parts peach schnapps
- 1 part Ballerina vodka (or any vodka that comes in a 1/2 gallon plastic easy-pour safety bottle)
- A crushed Vicodin (If any of your guests is such an anal stickler for historical accuracy that
they say, "There is no basement in the Alamo!," substitute TWO Vicodin.)
- A splash of soda
Forrest Jenkins , from Memphis, TN writes:
When will the White House take a stand against the pagan teachings of the Harry Potter books and sponsor a national burning of
these vile witchcraft manuals?
Dear True Christian: I must admit that ever since Harry gave me the inspiration for my "no muss no fuss" hairstyle, I've
always had a soft spot for the boy.
Susan, from Durham, NC writes:
Mrs. Bush: I admire how you can keep so calm and collected in times of great stress, particularly immediately
after September 11th. How do you manage to handle your stress so well? Does exercise help you-how do you do it?
I am very careful with my health. I do exercise as does the President. We
both like to be outside and take walks together. We go to bed early and get up early. All of these things help us
relieve stress, but our favorite stress reduction technique is playing with our animals
– Barney, Spot and Willie (the cat), who seldom makes public appearances.
Jane, from Seattle, WA writes:
Now that summer is here I have time to catch up on some reading. I'm kind of looking for something action packed with lots of
violence and sex. Which version of the Bible do you recommend?
If you are looking for something salacious, nothing beats a plastic laminated "beach ready" King James! As
a young girl in Midland, I remember getting to the part that talked about the harlot who was sleeping with
men that had thingies as big a donkeys and splattered her face like race horses ("For she doted upon their
paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." Ezekiel 23:20)
and I just knew I had picked the right religion!
Jay R. Fazek , from Akron, OH writes:
The legal blood alcohol limit in Ohio was officially lowered at midnight this morning to .08. What is your
opinion on this, considering your extensive experience with drunk driving in your family?
Most of our Republican friends keep maps of the Red and Blue states that designate which stretches of desolate
brush voted for my husband. Bushies' and my map, however, keeps track of which states are just tempting fate
to drive in. Thanks to a call from Diana Ross and your e-mail, I am managing to keep all 50 states current.
Thank you so much for your kind help in that regard!
Mike Mack, from Joshua Tree, CA writes:
Given the fact that you must certainly consider George W. to be the Spiritual Warrior of your Christian
household, how important is his daily Bible Reading in your family and which Old Testament book do you believe
offers the best tips for proper wifely submission to the Husband? Is it Leviticus or Deuteronomy? My
mother is certain you'll pick Leviticus but I have a hunch that you are a Deuteronomy gal at heart.
In our household, the Old Testament is most helpful when we wish to sacrifice a small pet or stone a
disobedient daughter to death. But when it comes to keeping feisty females in their place, we have
traditionally turned to the New Testament for guidance. There, we are told by Paul that since a woman
caused all of our problems in the first place (Eve, not Hillary), only penised-persons should talk in
church. (1 Timothy 2:12) Since no civilized Republican wife is going to scream at her husband, kick
him in the groin, or splash a cocktail across his face in public, I find that this mild limitation works
out just fine.
Rohan Brown, from Toronto, Canada writes:
As First Lady, can you explain your strategy to help alleviate poverty in the world?
When it comes to helping the poor, all of us in this administration take our cues from my spiritual advisor,
Mrs. Betty Bowers, who said, "Since Jesus told us that the
poor will always be with us, I would never do anything that would risk turning Him into a liar."
Stuart, from United Kingdom writes:
Does the White House have a library?
Yes, the White House does have a library. It was decorated by Jackie Kennedy and it's a room I use often both
for interviews and doing my Jane Fonda tape. Its book collection used to focus on the lives of Presidents, but Bushie
and I had those moldy old volumes hauled away and replaced with handsome, all-new leather-bound sets of
The Complete Chick Tracts.
Elva, from West Virginia writes:
How would you feel if your daughters were serving in Iraq right now?
I'd probably feel the same way I would if they suddenly turned colored, grew wings, and flew off to join AA. In other
words, it's never happening, so why would I bother wasting my time empathizing with anybody who's so poor that they
have children who are voluntarily slumming it in active duty?
Frankly, hardly any of the men folk in the White House were either poor or stupid enough to serve in Viet Nam.
Those who were too lazy to come up with inventive reasons for a deferment of service had parents who cared enough
about them to pull some strings to get them in the National Guard. Therefore, you won't find much sympathy around
here for blue-collar dolts who ship their children overseas to die over some foolish brouhaha that everyone forgives
and forgets in five years.
Well, I'm afaid that's all the time we have. Thank you all so much for coming - and for reading what I had
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