In This Installment (10.20.2006):
KATHERINE HARRIS: UNIVERSALLY BELOVED CONSERVATRIX
Congresswoman Katherine Harris represents the 13th District of the great red state of Florida. Descended
from legendary Florida bankers and citrus moguls, Katherine endured decades of arduous privilege and sorority
panty raids before her family bankrolled the political career that was her birthright. As a longtime ally of
Gov. Jeb Bush, Ms. Harris rose to stardom during the disputed presidential election of 2000,
where in her capacity as Secretary of State, she bravely certified Florida's election results before they
might have been sullied by the nefarious mechanics of transparent democracy. In return for her unswerving loyalty,
the Bush family has selflessly granted her total autonomy. Representative Harris is waging a highly
competitive race for the United States Senate, which she is poised to win easily in the 2006 mid-term election.
She's happy to take your questions today – right here on ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.
Like, HELLO EVERYONE! It's sooooo GREAT to be here! First question!
Linda Drescher, from Golden, Colorado writes:
Have you figured out how to steal your own election using the methods used for Bush's win, or have you
by now developed more sinister and sophisticated techniques?
Hello! Thank you SO much for asking me a question! It's just GREAT! I'm SO happy
to have this opportunity to give people a chance to know THE REAL ME!
Let me begin by saying that I'm SO about the issues, and listening to voters, and then going to Washington and
remembering what I listened to, namely, the issues. And I am SO hearing you right now!
As for how I'm going to win this November... I'm going to SO talk about the issues. And listen. Maybe take my top off in
Daytona and frantically jiggle my cockburger buns around, because I want to make sure that those GREAT people who've
contributed money to my campaign can see all the surgery my consultants recommended!
Thanks for the GREAT question! Next!
Christian, from Raleigh, NC writes:
You stated some time ago that God chooses our leaders. Does this mean I shouldn't bother voting?
Why hello there! Thank you SO much for writing in! You're GREAT – and WONDERFUL! I have read, and re-read your e-mail,
and I want you to know I TOTALLY understand what you're saying. While I don't care, I want you to know that I SO value any
and all communication between myself and nobodies such as yourself whose votes I unfortunately need to perpetuate my family's
Like most wealthy American aristocrats who've never worked an honest day in their lives, I am a humble, God-fearing hypocrite
utterly in love with my own pathological personal deceptions. For instance: I became an awesome Congresswoman because of my political talents and
sincere desire to serve the people, not because every time Princess wants something, Princess calls Karl at 2 AM after a long
night of kicking back Piña Coladas and reminds him that without Princess, the governor's brother would still face-fucking
his Zoloft-popping comatose wife in Texas instead of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!
You're GREAT. I'm GREAT. Jesus is GREAT! And if you don't vote for me, all of your dead grandparents will SO get cancer in heaven!
Alicia Bouraphael, from Brattleboro, Vermont writes:
As a Lebanese American, I was wondering, what are your thoughts on the recent war against Israel and Hammas, and what
are your thoughts on American aid to Israel?
Oh, gosh. Thank you for writing in. I LOVE talking to foreigners! In Florida, we have all these Cuban-Americans,
or as I call them "Koooo-Bonos". Because I believe in the American Dream. And that dream is GREAT. It says that if God
didn't think White Folk were fantastic, He wouldn't have made us so awesome, and immune to smallpox, which is really totally GREAT!
As a US Senator, I will have to have comments and opinions about foreign things like stuff. I think the war between Jews
and Homos is GREAT! Really exciting television, although not as good as 24, which is way more believable and has
loads of that awesome torture stuff. I am for aide to Jews, and if I'm elected, I will actually let those on my staff
who are Jewish (like my personal accountant and my plastic surgeon) have a day off to celebrate "Roshobama" or "Benny-Hannaka"
or whatever. This will aide the Jews, especially in Miami, because there are LOTS & LOTS there. This is just a part of my
plan as a US Senator because I listen and I will show the voters GREAT results, even if they are made up.
Andrew Curic, from Roselle, IL writes:
Hello there Katherine! I would just like to know why orange juice is so expensive! People complain that gasoline recently
cost nearly $3.50 a gallon, but I just paid almost $7.00 for a single gallon of Tropicana orange juice. What gives?
Hello back atcha, faceless person whose humanity means next to nothing to me! So GREAT to hear from you, I hope your family
is happy and healthy and GREAT. You're probably asking this question because you know that
my whole family is citrus juice zillionaires. But here's something I betcha didn't know: my great grandmother
invented the Screwdriver, which is one part orange juice, one part vodka, one part vodka, and one part vodka. That's what my
Great-Nanna told me, and then I'd hug her, and then she'd vomit bile, and vodka, and muffins and the violent surge of frothy
puke would be so strong her dentures would tumble out! Ah, memories. Family is so GREAT, you know?
Anyway, you should feel GREAT about how inexpensive gas is, especially between now and the moment this coming mid-term
congressional election is over, when I'm totally going to be crowned Ms. US Senate Florida 2007! YAY! Now about your
question? About expensive orange juice? I can only guess you're a hardworking mother trying to raise some kids, pinching
pennies and living paycheck to paycheck. Phew. Ok. This is a hard one. The reason orange juice is so expensive is SO easy:
because you didn't marry a man with money. Stupid! LOL!
Oh, and one more thing: you're GREAT.
Jeff, from Washington DC writes:
Since your defeat seems all but certain, where are you going next? I always thought that you and Ann Coulter could make a
lot of money going on the road with a ladies' mud wrestling act.
Oh my god, you're GREAT Jeff. So-o-o funny! Clearly, you are using that thing that the Ivy League Comedy
Hour of Liberal Man-Girls use. I think they call it "irony." I think that show is funny, especially the cute little kike
elf who's like my BFF Sean Hannity, only more European and with goat hooves instead of feet. LOL!
You are IRONICALLY saying that I won't win the US Senate tiara. Tee-hee! Whatta jokester. I can play this game, because I
think I'm pretty funny. Like the time Satan whispered in my ear "You aren't smart enough, or talented enough, to lead people.
You have no vision, just an unearned sense of entitlement taught to you people without honor, whose only concern in life is
making sure they have plenty, while others have none. So fudge these ballots, and give yourself the gift of false success.
There is no heaven; but all souls wander burdened by the chains of their sins and I promise yours will be 24 Karat."
DRUM DRUM CRASH! Right? LOL! LOL!
Actually, what was funny there? It wasn't Satan, not at all. It was Jesus. And let's talk about Anne Coulter – a
brave and noble woman I respect with every synthetic fiber in my face and tits. If she could win me a seat in the US Senate,
I would blow dry her throbbing, thumb-sized clit until her half-dollar sized nipples fell off.
Thanks for the question! It was GREAT!
Richard Cunningham, from Arlington, TX writes:
Dear Ms. Harris,
Do you think that the comparison to and nickname "Cruella Deville," used by some in the Democratic party to refer to you
after the 2000 election recount, is an unfair perception of your character, and if so, have you done anything to refute this?
Wow – GREAT question, Richard! You know, it's true I get SO tiffed when people mock me for wearing a teensy bit
of make-up or a nice, form-fitting crotchless ensemble. Apparently, the opposition party is made up entirely of cranky, ugly lesbians
who couldn't appreciate a GREAT piece of leathery, middle-aged sorority ass even if it maced them with a Costco-sized
atomizer of Christian Dior's Poison! Right?
Don't you think it's odd how so-called liberal feminists just loooooove to rip empowered conservative gals? But you know
what, Richard? I'm PROUD of what I did back in 2000, PROUD of how my personal ambition trumped my duty to the people of
Florida, and the Constitution of the United States, leading me to certify a corrupt vote count in order to rig a national
election, just so I could advance my political career!
As for that Disney reference, if that is meant to imply that I kill puppies for fashion, that is just SICK nonsense. Back
before I got my vaginoplasty, I used to have a dalmation teddy, but it made my hoo-hoo break out. Ever since 1992, I've
been a baby seal girl all the way! LOL!
OK, this has been totally GREAT, but I should probably get back to campaigning. Not like I need to or anything, since it's
going to be such a total digital landslide in my favor, but I really do love getting out with the people, who are just GREAT!
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