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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (04.10.2007):
SENATOR JOHN McCAIN:
Heroically Feisty GOP Maverick
John McCain is the senior United States Senator from the great state of Arizona. The son and grandson of famous Navy Admirals, McCain attended the US Naval Academy, and proudly served as a pilot during the utterly necessary Vietnam war, which, like our current soon-to-be victorious war in Iraq, was seen by contemporary surrender junkies as futile, but will ultimately be vindicated by history in the next 100 to 3,000 years, God willing. On October 27, 1967, McCain's fighter jet was rudely shot down by crazed Charlies who were too blinded by Communism (and the abridged aperture of their oddly-shaped Oriental eyes) to appreciate America's selfless slaughtering of their old women and children in the name of FREEDOM®. McCain remained a prisoner in Vietnam for five and half years, returning to a hero's welcome and a ready-made career in politics. During his nearly four decades in the public eye, Senator McCain has earned a reputation as a tough-talking, principled maverick who would never-ever flip-flop like some craven, politics-as-usual whore for power. As the 2008 GOP front-runner for the White House (actual so-called "popularity" notwithstanding), Senator McCain is happy to take your questions – right here on ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.


Janice Reynolds, from Detroit, MI writes:
How can you continue to say things are getting better in Iraq, when more and more people are dying every day?

Sen. John McCain:
Thank you for your terrific question, Janice! As you know, war (like bamboo dildo-wielding gooks) can be ugly. But despite all evidence and statistics to the contrary, yes, I still say things are getting better in Iraq. In fact, I was there just last week, and I think it speaks volumes that all it took was a fleet of tanks, a full battalion of marines bristling with automatic weapons, and two Apache attack helicopters hovering overhead in order for me to safely stroll through a Baghdad marketplace wearing a full suit of body armor. If that's not progress, I don't know what is! I certainly wouldn't walk through Compton screaming "Come and get me you stupid Spooks!" and feel even half as safe.

Some people out there think it is outrageous, craven dishonesty to claim that things are going well in Iraq when that shithole is falling apart quicker than a Rudolph Giuliani marriage, but I call it being a Republican. So shoot me! And in candor, I must say that it's nice to be back in America where that phrase is not taken literally. Except, of course, in Compton.

Just you wait and see, Janice – at this rate, I am confident that within a few more decades, it will even be possible for me to totally forego security, and safely sit down and enjoy a four-course Iraqi goat entrails meal at a quaint little Baghdad bunker.
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Carl, from Williston, VT writes:
I hear that in private you have a great sense of humor. What's your favorite joke of all time?

Sen. John McCain:
Oh that's a toughie, Carl! I used to love to tell the one that goes, "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Her father is Janet Reno!" But then in 1998, I made the mistake of telling it at a Republican fundraiser, and I had to apologize. These days, when nobody's around, I prefer:

What do you call a Vietnamese dictator wearing a kabuki mask?

A "Jappy-Headed Ho"!

LOL! Don Imus told me that one. I've promised to go back on his show if he still has one.


Chase, from Chicago, IL writes:
Do you think it's fair to ask the citizens of America to vote for a man who would be 72 years old on the day of his inauguration? Do you think there should be a test given to prove that candidates are not senile?

Sen. John McCain:
You know, during his 1984 re-election campaign, Ronald Reagan once said, "I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponent's age and inexperience." Reagan was already 73 then. Yet today, Republicans revere him like a God, despite his "Weekend at Bernies" second term. That's why I cannot in good conscience support a...

Hold on...

Just a second...

Can somebody get me a fresh Depends? This one's soaked right through the ass of my Dockers. Thanks.

OK. Where was I? Oh yes – and which is why I can't support any plans to take the Golden Girls out of syndication.

Next question.


Linda Drescher, from Golden, CO writes:
How can you call your campaign the "Straight Talk Express" when you keep reversing yourself? You used to call Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson "agents of intolerance," but now you all but shake their penises dry at the urinal. Care to explain?

Sen. John McCain:
Thanks for your question, Linda. The reason I call my campaign the Straight Talk Express is because that's what I do on it: talk... expressly... to go straight. Straight to the White House.

Sure, when it comes to the people you mention, I used to have one position. But now I have assumed another position. Specifically, the position where I grovel on my arthritic knees while hoisting my sagging, pasty white hiney high up in the air to be gang-drilled by the McChristian Taliban.

And folks in my party understand that. They know that when someone like John Kerry changes his mind to disagree with them, that makes him a spineless and pathetic flip-flopper. But when someone like me changes his mind to walk lockstep with a paranoid, intolerant worldview dictated by a moldy old book of religious fairy tales... that's not flip-flopping... that's ummm... the exact OPPOSITE of craven, embarrassingly desperate pandering. And... also...on the other hand, I actually disagree with what I just said. Unless, of course, you liked it.

Ummm....

I know how to fly airplanes. Well, ones that don't fly anymore. Sort of like my stump speeches…


Joe Dunagan, from Muskogee, OK writes:
I want to be proactive and create a POW-MIA chapter for those who will be captured or lost in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iran. Do you have any advice for me?

Sen. John McCain:
As a former POW, I'd like to invite you to feel free to copy my patented plan for starting and maintaining POW-MIA chapters:

  1. Get ahold of one of those cool black POW-MIA flags. You can usually pick them up at gun shows – or do what I did and just steal the ratty one hanging outside your local post office.
  2. Print up a bunch of fliers at Kinkos, and distribute them in all the right places: on the neglected, rapidly gangrened stumps at VA Hospitals, Hell's Angels "Rape the Greased Whore" Rallies, the Hanoi Hilton bulletin board, etc.
  3. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Ensure your chapter's longevity by getting involved in politics, and supporting rabidly hawkish policies like preemptive war quagmires. That way, you'll never have to worry about the chapter treasury running dry, because you'll be keeping your rolls filled with dues-paying members and fresh POWs and folks missing in needless combat clusterfucks for generations to come!


Lynne Palmer, from Tulsa, OK writes:
Over the years, I've watched approvingly as you've grown increasingly closer to George W. Bush. Could you tell us more about the evolution of your friendship?

Sen. John McCain:
Friendships are funny things. Some friendships are life-long. Some friendships are short-lived. And some begin as rivalries, yet mature into genuine affection built upon mutual respect and shared philosophies. And yet others are mere marriages of convenience; cynical acts of political theatre in which the parties suppress their mutual disgust in the interest of exploiting one another for cheap, selfish, power-hungry ends. My relationship with Mr. Bush is too much of the latter to admit to anything but the former.

Modesty prevents me from revealing its true nature, so I'll just say that in President Bush's and my case, the love between us is palpable and stops just short of heavy petting. He's never gotten past second base. And that is the truth as far as this morning, unless I tell you otherwise this afternoon. Sure, it wasn't always so. Back in 2000, after he told Karl Rove to use push-polling to convince South Carolina's racist cracker majority that I like knocking up dark meat, I'll confess that I was a little bit peeved. In fact, for two years afterwards, I told pretty much any loser with a blog who'd listen how much I hated that fucker's guts. That lapse into reckless candor was really pretty impolitic. But then as time passed, and I started to realize I might still be alive to run again in 2008, and well, with President Bush's approval ratings still sky-high on public bloodlust for Saddam Hussein, I suddenly developed a totally sincere, utterly authentic fondness for burying my face in Mr. Bush's stank-ass pits and inhaling the deep, intoxicating aroma of Stetson cologne and parasitic victory.

And... well now that everyone hates Mr. Bush and his war... (Sighs) I'm stuck being his super-best pal and shameless sycophant who isn't a Jew Senator from Connecticut. Flip-flopping once is bad enough. But if you do it compulsively, you start looking like my gimpy first wife who I dumped after a car accident rendered her too crippled to service my unit, which, like those tight-asses in the Iowa primaries, needs a lot of coaxing.


Tom, from Atlanta, GA writes:
For a Republican, you seem awful soft on many critical issues like fags, killing colored terrorists, and so called "civil liberties". Can we conservatives really trust you?

Sen. John McCain:
Hello there Tom. Certainly you can trust me. I have been a Republican all my life. I was elected to the very same Senate seat that was occupied for 30 years by Barry Goldwater, the pro-segregation author of "The Conscience of a Conservative." Sure, I may have convinced some lefties that I'm a "maverick" and "independent-minded", but if you look at my voting record, you'll find that I was ranked the third most conservative member of the 109th Congress. So believe me, I'm just like you: a war-loving anti-choice white male Christian adulterer with an insatiable lust for power... who fucking HATES gooks. Hey – that'd make a good bumper sticker, wouldn't it if you've got a long enough car, which I'm sure you do, since you are a Republican? I'll send you one. Unless, of course, you would be offended by it. In which case, I'm offended by it, too.


Albert S., from Cleveland, OH writes:
Since you were a torture victim in Vietnam, what are your views on our current methods of torturing the suspected terrorists?

Sen. John McCain:
I've stated many times how I feel about the gooks who tortured me back in the 'Nam. Having been tortured myself, I have been consistent in my opposition to America's using torture. That said, lest anyone think I'm a bleeding-heart old softie, I would ask voters to keep in mind that the President and I are in 100% agreement that using bombs to kill untold thousands of innocent civilians in countries that are no threat to America is still totally A-OK! 'Cause it isn't "torture" if you aren't asking questions when you mutilate and burn their flesh.


Colette Vanderbeek, from Albany, NY writes:
What is your opinion of Hillary Clinton? If you run against her in 2008 do you think you'd beat her?

Sen. John McCain:
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think Hillary Clinton is "a very formidable candidate." I also think Senator Obama is a "formidable" candidate for someone so surprisingly articulate. In fact, I was just discussing this very topic with Karl Rove, who has agreed to consult pro-bono for my campaign – in exchange for a modest 8-figure stipend and a year lease on Jeff Gannon. Karl thinks they're "formidable", too. He's also curious how Red State voters would react if asked, in a push poll, just hypothetically, if they knew the word "formidable" was really secret French pig Latin code for "pantsuit-wearing atheist lesbo America-hater" and "bisexual high-yellow, wife-swapping, white teenage girl fondler."

It's an interesting academic question, but I guess we'll never know!


Parveen Alinejad, from Tehran, Iran writes:
Senator McCain please tell me, for the sake of my homeland, what is your position on military action against the Islamic Republic of Iran?

Sen. John McCain:
I'm opposed to military action against Iran. Unless, of course, with his impeachment growing increasingly likely, President Bush uses our broken, pathetic armed forces to attack you in a desperate bid to distract the media and rally the country around him one last time. Then I'll be all for it. Unless, a focus group is against it. Then, I will be also temporarily against it, too. Unless I become for it in a particular state that happens to be for it.

You see, as a gung-ho military guy, once a war begins – no matter how ill-conceived or pointless it may be – it's my duty to insist that said war continue until we can claim "victory". I do this not for myself, but for the young fellas fighting today, on account of I know first-hand that their egos are so eggshell-fragile, they would otherwise suffer under the paranoid delusion that people think they're girly little homos on account of their personal war was such a colossal failure even though we here in Washington did everything right.

Next question.


Nguyen Minh Tret, from Hanoi, Vietnam writes:
JOHN McCAIN?

Sen. John McCain:
Yes?

Nguyen Minh Tret:
LIEUTENANT JOHN McCAIN?

Sen. John McCain:
Yes?

Nguyen Minh Tret:
LIEUTENANT JOHN SIDNEY McCAIN III?

Sen. John McCain:
[Blinks Rapidly]

Nguyen Minh Tret:
DO. YOU. COPY?

Sen. John McCain:
Affirmative.

Nguyen Minh Tret:
SIGMA CHARLIE MAO FOXTROT ALPHA SAIGON. You are ACTIVATED.

Sen. John McCain:
Confirmed. Standing by...

Nguyen Minh Tret:
Terminate Q&A and await further instructions.

Sen. John McCain:
Affirmative. Signing off.

[END TRANSMISSION]

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