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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (02.07.2004):
LT. GENERAL JAMES MATTIS: RANKING U.S. MARINE CORPS HUMANITARIAN
During multiple tours in both Afghanistan and Iraq, Lt. General James Mattis has served nobly as a leathernecked angel of liberty, hell-bent on granting Arabs FREEDOM® – even if that means killing every last one of them. Widely revered as the very personification of American "moral values," Lt. General Mattis isn't shy when it comes to sharing "compassionate conservative" maxims such as "I like brawling" and "It's fun to shoot people." Perpetually in demand at defense industry conferences, Lt. General Mattis can be counted on to infuse panel discussions with his trademark blend of refreshing, battle-hardened candor and gentle, insuppressable joie de vivre. Today, Lt. General Mattis takes your questions – right here on "ASK THE WHITE HOUSE."


Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Good evening, and welcome to my Q&A. We have a "go" from satcom. Civvies are cleared to initiate chatter.


Shane McCraken, from Champaign, IL writes:
During my time in service (U.S. Army, Gulf War era), anyone making off-color remarks about combat ops or current events within earshot of the media was immediately reprimanded – possibly losing rank – yet when you say it's "fun to shoot people," you get off with a warning and "counseling." Are you not held to a higher standard?

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Roger that. Listen McMick – the only standard this ol' dog of war needs holdin' to is whether or not I'm having a hoot shampooing those camel jockeys' filthy beards in their own fucking intestines. Short of that, if I happen to tell a few candy-ass flower-sniffers in the media how when I wake up – before I even shimmy into my jockey shorts – I like to shoot the hook beaks off brownies who made the mistake of being bitch-slapping carpet-kissers, then boo-hoo-hoo, I'm real sorry. Put me on latrine duty for a week. I could use the goddamned R&R.

But the media should know better – and if they want my boys to come to the rescue next time their fancy SUV convoys get surrounded by some gobbledy-gook-talkin' hostiles, they had better start zipping their fairy pie holes. Got it? Good. Hooah!

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G. Blade, from Milwaukee, WI writes:
Considering your idea of fun on the front lines, what sorts of activities do you enjoy when you're stateside?

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Boy, this warrior does what any red-blooded, non-faggy American man does. You know, the usual. I drink beer. Oceans of fucking beer.

That's right, when I'm stateside, in between important secret missions, I wake up at 5AM sharp, crack a brew-ha-ha, then sit in my kitchen nook and stare. Around noon, I have a buzz on and maybe I nuke up a Hungy Man. Afterwards, I play "Power Hour," where I take a shot of beer every minute until I feel like dancing. Maybe I put on some Garth Brooks, or De Sousa, and hell – I fucking dance like an Okinawa hooker. Once, when I was working with Delta in the jungle outside Panama City in 1989, I stumbled on a group of Noriega's cocksuckers who'd got chewed up by a mortar I lobbed at them. One of the sons of bitches was already half pancake batter, and by the time we'd found him in the bush, he was too weak to fight off a boar who'd done started muching on him. And that fucker deserved it! So I danced! And I still love to dance!

Anyway, by nightfall I'm ready to get busy, so I start oiling my personal basement arsenal, and maybe, if it's a special occasion, I'll take a cheese grater and give my nipples a good hard thwack. Of course, by then, I'm tired, so I whistle Taps into a bullhorn until I drift off to sleepy-poo.


Rod, from Seattle, WA writes:
What should we do about Fidel?

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Sweet Christ Almighty, it would be a real pleasure – and I'm talking "my peepers rolling back in my head as my skin undulates with exploding nerve endings" – to ass-ream that bearded commie fuck with a rusty iron ceee-gar...

Packed full of dynamite! Hooah!


Abigail Gleason, from Philadelphia, PA writes:
It's great to see that there are still some red-blooded American men out there (I'm thinking of you and General Boykin)! If you could take me out for a fun (but respectable) date, where would we go and what would we do?

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Lady, let me say upfront – I love women. I respect them. Especially when they are in their natural environment: cooking meatloaf, bringing me my newspaper, making sure my bath is a very precise 71 degrees, and knowing when to lie still so a guy can penetrate their filthy, yet wholly necessary, sin slits.

It's because I respect women that I love blowing away Muslim dudes. Those rat-men think they have the right to beat on a woman for no other reason because they can. That's not right. Women are important property, and a man's property is his most important asset. Just like a car, you need to take care of them, fix up their broken parts, and make sure no else takes them for a joyride. Because respect for property is the only thing that separated us from the Soviets!

Having said that, I would pick you up promptly at 5:15, take you somewhere fancy like Outback Steakhouse, smile as you cut my meat into tiny pieces, then I would escort you back to my duplex, where I would slip in my new Patton DVD, and we would drink Coors. And then?

Then, if you would allow it, we would churn sweet love butter all night long. And in the morning, you'd make my ass breakfast. That means: Pop Tart – warm in the middle, frosting still cold.


Chris Turner, from Iowa City, IA writes:
Dear General Mattis – Do you think that the fact that the Arab population is growing faster than the American population would seem to imply that american males, such as yourself, are losing their virility?

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Ask your mother, fruitpie.


Keith B., from Ft. Lauderdale, FL writes:
I've heard that the only difference between a U.S. Marine and a homosexual is a six-pack of beer. Is this true?

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
You ain't a man until you've been an insecure, troubled teenager born to a lower income family whose only chance of paying for an education and avoiding a life toiling in a Wal-Mart gulag is to enlist in the military. So you're shipped off to dodge bullets so a bunch of suits who think you're disgusting can score some political points. And you're told that shooting dudes your same age and same social caste isn't murder, that your soul isn't dying every time you tear out the throat from a living, breathing human being.

You ain't a man until you've luxuriated in the ecstasy that is combat. Because only in combat do you learn the most important lesson a man can learn: The rules aren't meant to be broken. Because there are no rules. Just those who love to kill, and those too chicken shit to learn how to.

Hey Keith... let's grab a six pack huh?


J.T. Thompson, from Selma, AL writes:
I'm an Army reservist soon to be sent to Iraq. And, frankly, I just signed up for this stuff because I could get help with college. But now that we got this war on, I'm scared. I don't know if it's even possible for me to love my job, but my pastor always said don't do a job you don't love; Jesus is your source. How can I take as much joy in the killing I'll need to do, as you do? What's your secret?

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Congratulations on being shipped to Iraq, soldier! You will love killing. It's like a video game, without the permanent boner.

What's my secret? Well, first off all, don't underestimate what getting shot at does to your killer instinct. But mainly, my secret is simple: the only good enemy soldier is one stumbling around, searching for his jaw.

Personally, in combat, I think of Jesus. Then I remove mercy, love, and all of his teachings. And I pretend I'm the Son of God. And that makes dispensing justice a whole lot easier. Also, I don't know if you ever played with fireworks as a kid, but a rifle is like a giant firework. Ka-boom! Fun! Only when you make the ka-boom, some dumb foreigner cries for his mommy in a wet poof of meat flakes and smoke, and damn... it's a feeling I can't describe. Like having your prostate milked by an angel.


Steve J., from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada writes:
Can it also be said that being shot is just as fun as shooting people? Perhaps the US should bring back the draft and mandate its citizens to join in on the fun? Seeing that Iran is next, there's going to be a ton of fun on the horizon. I'm sad my government decided not to join. I'm going to miss out on all that fun.

Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Sure, being shot at is part of the game. A good part. Cuz every time you dodge a bullet, you score extra Rage Points. And then when you get your kill, you get to cash in those Rage Points while you're standing over the corpse. Now whether that means frisking its frontal lobe with your bayonet, or unloading a whole M-16 clip up its shitbox, that's up to you. They're your points. You earned 'em, son.

As for the draft, careful what you wish for, Private. America has given that 51st state you like to call a country a free ride for long enough. Next time we decide to spread FREEDOM®, you WILL be in the shit, and you WILL have fun, maggot!


Lt. Gen. Mattis:
Alright. Q & A over. Lights out, pukes.

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