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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (04.23.2006):
REV. JERRY FALWELL: EXEC. DIRECTOR OF DOMESTIC & GLOBAL POLICY
Salvation mogul Jerry Falwell serves at the President's (and God's) pleasure in the role of America's penultimate personification of Christ's love and compassion. Over the course of his fifty year career, Reverend Falwell has worked tirelessly to ensure that untold millions of souls might better empathise with Jesus, helping all who will listen to cleanse themselves of the earthly, unpure contents of their checking accounts. As the founder of both Liberty University and the revered Moral Majority, Dr. Falwell has earned his role as the defacto Executive Director of Domestic and Global Policy for the Republican party. Reverend Falwell will answer your questions today – right here on ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.

Pat Thruster, from Altoona, PA writes:
Dear Reverend Falwell - I just wanted to offer my condolences on your recent Supreme Court loss against that disgusting crybaby homosexual who is cybersquatting on your good name at fallwell.com. I think you did the right thing trying to shut down that horrible website!

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
The Lord and I thank you for your kind and wise words, Pat. As the founder of the Liberty Alliance, Liberty University, and Liberty Transglobal Salvation Ventures LLC, I am directed by God Himself to aggressively litigate against those who would abuse liberty by invoking my federally trademarked name in the exercise of so-called "free speech."

Honestly, I was surprised by the Supreme Court's ruling. Clearly, the addition of John Roberts and Samuel Alito has not yet tipped the scales of justice in favor of Moral Values™. As such, I would ask that loving Christians everywhere join my brother Pat Robertson and me in praying earnestly for the bestowal of rare, debilitating and excruciatingly painful cancers upon Justices John Paul Stevens and that unsightly carpet-munching Christ-killer Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

In the meantime, I'm just glad it's over. And now that I've sued two separate times over these internet address thingamajigs, America can rest assured that my squadron of turbo-competent attack lawyers has taken the wise preventative step of registering all remaining obvious variations of my Godly name.

Praise God!


John Coctosan, from Mount Vernon, Indiana writes:
Since 9/11 was caused by homosexuals, wouldn't it have been more appropriate to attack San Francisco rather than New York City?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Thank you for your excellent question, John. As you know, I am on the record as maintaining that 9/11 was God's punishment for America's corruption by the homosexual menace. As such, yes, you might think that it would make more sense to lay waste San Francisco, where at this very moment, untold thousands of homosexuals are engaged in all manner of depraved acts, stripped buck naked, rubbing their sundry engorged parts feverishly against (and inside) one another, sucking, squeezing, licking, flicking, frantically grinding their chiseled hind quarters into... now wait, where was I again?

Oh yes, 9/11. Well the Lord does work in mysterious ways, John, and it is not for us to question His wisdom. Perhaps the Lord was killing metaphorically that day. After all, who among us did not gaze upon the twin towers of the World Trade Center, and not instantly perceive them as two enormous, erect penises – striped from head to base with thick, ramrod-straight veins, swaying softly in the wind, shamelessly exposed and stimulated almost to the point of climax by their close proximity to one another – as only homosexual penises could be. No doubt the Lord was annoyed by these powerfully deviant erotic totems, and saw fit to destroy them on 9/11 – and I for one still support His decision! What a pleasure it is to once again be able to see lower Manhattan on TV without imagining you're about to get a double money-shot right between the eyes!

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Rita Perez, from Hoboken, New Jersey writes:
I read an old rum advertisement that had an interview with you. Is it true that the first time you made love to a woman was in an outhouse with your mother? Please clear this up good Reverend. I'm sure there is a really good explanation for all of this. Thank you and God Bless You!

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Rita, I'm afraid you're confusing reality with a certain so-called "parody" advertisement from a 1983 issue of Hustler Magazine. I still remember the first time I read that awful thing: I was enjoying breakfast in my kitchen, righteously poring over my daily foot-high stack of mostly gay hardcore pornography so that I might issue informed denunciations to my flock. I had just paused to admire the contours of my third helping of some especially handsome kielbasa, when suddenly there was that awful parody staring at me from the pages of Hustler! Of course, I couldn't help but worry that decent folks like you might be misled while reading their hardcore pornography, which is why I sued pasty paraplegic pervert Larry Flynt all the way to the Supreme Court. Tragically for America, I lost that case too, and the awful misconception to which you refer has been allowed to flourish as a result.

For the record: my first time was not with my mother in an outhouse. It was with my father in a bathhouse.


Gavin, from St. Louis, MO writes:
Dear Reverend - I am not sure if you are aware or not, but there is a certain little lady out there named Betty Bowers, who has advertised for the past several years that she, herself, is "America's Best Christian." Could you please comment on why you have chosen to remain silent on this issue, and perhaps is it perhaps true that Miss Bowers simply *IS* America's Best Christian?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
It is my understanding that Sister Betty has copyrighted "America's Best Christian"™. And take it from one who knows, if you try to call yourself that, her battalion of hook-nosed unsaved Jewish attorneys will swoop down on you from New York and slap you around like a pre-teen Filipino steet hustler who refuses to make change for a ten.

Now, I've known dear Betty for many years and I would never speak unkindly about anyone who can parlay Jesus' ascetic teachings into a fleet of private jets and a walk-in closet with more baby seal skins than Greenland. Nevertheless, women ought not go around saying anything, much less bragging about being a better Christian than me. After all, God told all women to kindly shut the h-e-double-l up and let folks with penises do all the talking. 1 Corinthians 14:33-35

But, as anyone worthy of the name "Rich Republican Christian Who Loves Wars" can tell you, you can get around everything God told you to do if you know how to work it. Betty gets around opening her big lady-trap by claiming that when she talks it isn't a female speaking at all: it's a man (Jesus) throwing His voice. And Ann Coulter gets around the prohibition on females talking with a simple chromosome test.


Frans Klootzak, from Johannesburg, South Africa writes:
Brother Jerry... Many years ago you openly praised our Caucasian leaders here in South Africa for maintaining a Communist-free nation and making sure that the natives KNEW THEIR place. Now, sadly, that seems to have disappeared. What can be done to bring back the god-mandated apartheid days that you so lovingly defended? We need your help, Jerry!

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Goodness gracious, the Lord has blessed you with quite a memory there, Mr. Klootzak. I thought everyone had forgotten all about my fervent support of your Godly former president P.W. Botha. Let me tell you that I feel your pain, Frans. As a southern American who came of age in the glorious 1950's, I too know the heartbreak that can ensue when the scourge of liberalism succeeds in upending traditional social structures. Call me sentimental, but that's why I live in Lynchburg, a town named for the most effective means ever devised for policing negroes.

Unfortunately, I don't have any quick fixes to offer you. My advice is to pray, Franz. Pray that Jesus will restore the natural order of things before we die. But even if He doesn't, take comfort in the certainty that when folks like us used to call Sun City "a little slice of heaven," they were 100% correct.


Michael Carland, from Plymouth, New Hampshire writes:
What do you think of Oral Roberts? Isn't his name a crass nod to the practice of fellatio? And why should I go to your university instead of his?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Now, I'm not about to go besmirching a competitor for your Christian education dollar by tattling about how a certain skillful sexual favor repeatedly extended to an entire high school basketball team ended up in a nickname that has lasted to this day. But I will say that young Mr. Roberts certainly brought a new meaning to "seminary." And if that doesn't convince you to make your nonrefundable check out to "Liberty University," I'll be happy to tell you how his dear Mother became known in eight counties as "Anal Roberts."


LouAnne Scharple, from Birmingham, AL writes:
I understand that you have ruled out supporting former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani as a candidate for the GOP nomination in 2008. What could you possibly have against America's greatest 9/11™ mega-hero?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Well, as I have already stated, "I'll never forget the great things he did on 9/11, and I'll never speak an ill word about him because he means so much to America."

But if you must know, it is common knowledge that before his miraculous political rebirth on 9/11, not only was Mr. Jewly-Annie embroiled in a messy divorce, but he was also spending his nights in a homosexual couple's guest bedroom! Just think of it: a supposed family values Republican, bedding down in such a place! That's why now, every time I look "America's Mayor," I imagine him burying his head beneath goose down pillows, struggling in vain to sleep over the depraved din seeping through thin city apartment walls: a chorus of grunts and sodomy-tortured squeals of the walking damned; their toned, tanned, waxed bodies squeaking loudly against rubber sheets and the creaking chains of a "rough rider" jungle gym group sex gravity boot apparatus!

You can see that too, can't you LouAnne?


John McCain, from Washington, DC writes:
Sorry about that whole "agent of intolerance" thing, Reverend. Can you ever forgive me?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Just make sure the checks to my Cayman Islands accounts clear. It would be an awful, yet totally unrelated shame if good Christian folk started leaving anonymous messages in thousands of voters' voicemail boxes about your bastard nigra child again. Catch my drift?


Ruth Evans, from Troy, Idaho writes:
As a "public school" teacher I find it very difficult to explain dinosaurs to those who have no faith. I know they were placed on Earth to test my faith but many children actually "believe" in them, and even take pride in reciting the satanic babble of their names. Some saintly advice would be appreciated. I will send my credit card number in a separate email.

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Well, of course, they believe in Dinosaurs, my dear! They are mentioned right there in the Bible – only they are not called "dinosaurs" cause the Lord don't like to make things easy for scientists. Genesis 6:4 tells us that when the sons of God had sex with the daughters of men, they ended up with an enormous litter of giants. Those giants were, of course, the dinosaurs that early humans used to ride to Bible study!


Jason, from Princeton, NJ writes:
Rev. Falwell,
I was wondering if the newly unearthed Gospel of Judas has in any way changed your faith. After all, when comparing two 2,000 year old stories that have been edited, copied, and generally adulterated by human hands hundreds of times, who's to say which is closer to the truth?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
I like to think of the Falwell family Bible not as an encyclopedia, but as a Reader's Digest Condensed Version of the available gospels. In the 4th Century, a committee haggled over which of all the many gospels it would include in the Bible. After that, if you read any gospel that didn't make the cut, you were a dirty rotten heretic. Since we can't go back and unburn at the stake all the thousands and thousands of Christians other Christians happily killed for reading gospels not in the "official" Bible, it would hardly be fair at this point to second guess the enlightened minds of the politically motivated Fourth Century Pope, Emperor and Cardinals who decided what gospels we are allowed to read. Besides, all this new information makes you have to do a whole lot more thinking than God ever intended His flock to engage in!


Beau Bissin, from Omaha, NE writes:
Are minorities allowed to date non-minorities at Liberty University?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
Well, I guess we'll have to cross that bridge when one of them ever gets admitted, now won't we?


Billy Joe Tireiron, from Oglethorpe Georgia writes:
How is God going to punish us for letting the godless homosexuals hunt Easter eggs on the White House lawn?

Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
While there's no way to be certain, I'm praying fervently for a suitcase nuke in Boston, Massachusetts.


Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell:
I'm afraid that's all the time the Lord and I have today, friends. Should you require additional spiritual counsel, please don't hesitate to visit Jerry-Falwell.com.

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