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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (09.15.2003):
JOHN ASHCROFT: ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Good afternoon. My name is John Ashcroft. As America's "top cop," my job is to ensure that the worthwhile laws of our great land are obeyed by an increasingly pigmented populace that, left to its own devices, would otherwise succumb to mass slaughter by terrorists and/or death by drowning in a fetid cesspool of gun control, nipple-flaunting "art," medical marijuana, and non-Christian fanaticism. As the only member of President Bush's administration to have lost an election to a corpse, I also bring considerable experience at confronting spectral nemeses and non-descript EVIL. It's my pleasure to be here on "Ask the White House" today, and I'm happy to start taking your compliments about how safe you are.


Mehmet , from Tulsa, OK writes:
I am a Muslim man who owns a video store and I am a proud American – I have over 878 US flags in my store. What I was wondering is – why does my phone click every time I talk on it?

Attorney General Ashcroft:
What are you implying, dirt monkey? Are you implying that the US Justice Department flagrantly abuses its vast powers to secretly gather intelligence on American citizens in a manner that is not only against the law, but harkens back to the Gestapo-tactics of J. Edgar Hoover? Well let me humor you: one would have to procure a legal warrant to tap your phone. You get one of those, a judge pretty much needs to issue a pre-verdict of guilty. Anyway, why are you so suspicious, Mehmet? How's your wife Juhaynah? Is your daughter Tamanna still dating that Pollock? At least he's accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as his Personal Savior. Maybe your phone would stop clicking if you did too. Next question.


Berta, from Lansing, MI writes:
Dear sir – these are terrible times we are living in. I am positively beside myself that me or my poodle Foofy LaRue will be blowed up by a terrorist. What I want to know is: how can I protect myself from terrorists blowing themselves up near me?

Attorney General Ashcroft:
Ma'am, let me assure you that the American Justice system is here to protect you and your poodle. We are everywhere – like a giant iron eagle with laser beam eyeballs – making sure that good, Republican-voting, Christian Americans enjoy a blissful nights rest in their Craftmatic® adjustable beds.

No stone is being left overturned, no computer not monitored in the pursuit of these evil people. And although citizens are afforded theoretical rights by the Constitution – such as the right to counsel, due process, and trial by a jury of peers – they are nonetheless theoretical. I mean, how can a piece of old parchment pry the fillings out of Jabal Raghead's mouth during an emergency root canal/interrogation? Right – you need strong, violent Grandma's apple pie loving fanatics blind with orgasmic patriotic fervor to enforce the law. And that's what I'm about. Real law, not frilly word-decorated law in fancy calligraphy on moldy old paper.


Chet, from Cincinnati, OH writes:
You are the greatest Attorney General ever – tons better than that turf-chomping lezbo Janet Reno. What do you think are the qualifications for your job, General?

Attorney General Ashcroft:
Chet, I can’t tell you what the qualifications are for this job, as the two most important people in the Universe – Jesus and President George W. Bush – personally entrusted me with this hallowed duty after I lost my Senate seat. They said I need no qualifications, because the Lord works through me and therefore my judgment is perfect. Why, sometimes I feel as if my fingers are mighty thunderbolts and verily, mine is the Fist of God and with it, I smite the evildoers! Praise be!

As for old Janet Reno, I have no beef with her. In fact, I'm pleased to say that the X-10 camera I ordered installed in the cab of that red pickup truck of hers has shown her to be real humanitarian who would never try to seek public office again – the kind of person who doesn't hesitate to lend a helping finger to burly lady gym teachers whose Harleys just happen to always break down on remote Everglades access roads in the middle of the night.


Jack, from Houston, TX writes:
Can niggers be terrorists? I saw in that Black Hawk Down movie that President Bush loves so much that niggers can be terrorists. Is this so?

Attorney General Ashcroft:
I am familiar with "street slang," sir, and I appreciate your framing your question in a manner that America's rap-hop worshipping thugs can understand.

To answer your question, yes, "niggaz" can be terrorists. As can spics, spear chuckers, chinks, jiggaboos, injuns, slants, camel jockeys, kikes, porch monkeys, micks, beaners, dot heads, faggots, japatronics, pope-fuckers, oreo cookies, frogs, gooks, wetbacks, wops, jungle bunnies, slopes, and coons.

Of course, I use these terms for purely authenticity's sake. The truth is, anyone could be a terrorist. Except me.


Zach, from Long Beach, CA writes:
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
Since 9/11, I have been more aware, and frankly more terrified than ever, of my surroundings here in the Los Angeles area. It seems everywhere I turn I am running in to an anti-Bush protest, a gay pride festival, a Mexican Independence Parade, an art exhibit, or a charity benefit for God knows what kind of Islamic regime. I know you said that the terrorists were among us, but I had no idea they would be allowed to have such public events! Why haven't you done anything about this?

Attorney General Ashcroft:
Well Zach, unfortunately we do still have some laws that I can't change willy-nilly, and the right to so-called "free speech" is a big one. That means people have a right to assembly and free speech, even if technically the government and corporate America control the streets and the airwaves. So while I can't necessarily smack down these terrorist-fellators for their traitor talk, if something bad just coincidentally happens to them – like an audit, or a false pedophilia conviction, or a bullet – well there’s no law that says the people who done this won't get their police file suddenly "lost."

Do. You. Get. What. I. Mean?


Art, from Boston, MA writes:
Mr. Ashcroft, I understand that you hold a "voluntary" daily bible study/prayer meetings and sing-alongs. Since this is done on taxpayer-owned property, I was wondering if, when, and how much you plan to compensate us taxpayers for the use of our buildings to practice and promote your religion. Thank you.

Attorney General Ashcroft:
Well gee, Art. I wasn't planning on reimbursing anyone. But now that you mention it, I suppose it would only be fair to give something back to an America-hating atheist such as yourself. Let's see... what could it be? I know – a prayer! And I'll pay you back right now.

Dear Lord in Heaven.
We pray that you bless Art from Boston, Taxachusetts.
For he knows not what traitorous bile erupts from his commie pie hole.
We pray that you smile upon Art in this, his hour of discontent.
And later, when you personally sentence him to be cast in Hell
Where 20-foot centaurs will sodomize him with mercury-spewing chainsaw schlongs
We ask that you show him some mercy for daring not to cow before you in fear
And see to it that said centaurs will at least pop the occasional Tic-Tac
Lest Art also has his face melted off by their hydrochloric acid halitosis.
Amen.


Micah Brown, from Portland, OR writes:
Dear Mr. Ashcroft:
I've met you in the summer of 2002, when you gave a lecture as part of the Senate Lecture Series. Since then, I've followed your career as Attorney General of the United States rather closely. My question is, does the Administration have a plan for (God forbid) if President Bush loses the election in 2004?

Attorney General Ashcroft:
No. There is no plan for that, Micah. Then again, nor is there any plan for what to do in the event that the moon implodes or Trent Lott and I form a barbershop quartet with Ice T and that Snoopy Doggy-Woggy fellow. In short, it ain't happening. May I suggest you discontinue huffing whatever brand of modeling adhesive has rendered you susceptible to such delusional states of whimsy.


Bob Bucklew, from Cleveland, OH writes:
I have heard that you think that calico cats are evil. I have looked in the bible, and can't find anything about them - what's up?

Attorney General Ashcroft:
You know, I'm glad you asked that question. This whole nonsense about me thinking that calico cats are demonic is nothing more than a nonsense rumor. It was first reported by that limey rag The Guardian, and has since been embraced and propagated by every loony tunes liberal who wants to smear me. Let me state for the record right here - it is false. Furthermore, if at some point in the indeterminate future, some trash TV tabloid "breaks" a story with video of someone who looks just like me, in the back yard of a house that looks just like mine, speaking in tongues and feeding a whole litter of calico kittens into a John Deere yard mulcher, that too will be will be a big old load of hooey. Capiche? Good.


Attorney General Ashcroft:
That's it. Session over. Goodbye.

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