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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (07.25.2005):
THE AVERAGE IRAQI: ECSTATIC BENEFICIARY OF AMERICAN COMPASSION
The Average Iraqi has benefitted tremendously from President Bush's selfless crusade to cleanse Texraq of the Weapons of Mass Destruction which, had they ever actually existed, might very well have proved massively destructive. Today, despite the global non-Fox media's lurid fixation on a microscopic handful of non-stop assassinations and spectacular bombings throughout Vietraq, the average Iraqazoid is content – jubilant, even – in the knowledge that his smoldering, foreign-occupied police state is a gleaming symbol of Republican-invented FREEDOM®. The Average Iraqi is peased take YOUR questions about "how much better things are", right here on "ASK THE WHITE HOUSE."

Betty Fink, from Schenectady, New York writes:
I know you've been dancing in the streets since we arrived at your shores to liberate you and your people. Do you need new shoes yet?

The Average Iraqi:
Hello to you, lovely blue-eyed Christian-American female! It is my sincere pleasure to be speaking with you today through the computer. Yes, as you mention, the past two years have been a blissful street party of explosive happiness, replete with much shouting and frenzied dancing! You are very kind to inquire as to the status of my footwear. Would that I could see them through my recently IED-cauterized retinas, I would certainly tell you. But please do not worry, for there is no shortage of shoes in Iraq. In fact, one need only loiter near any police station in order to find them suddenly raining from the sky – often still snugly laced to flame-broiled feet!


Jeff Blackwell, from Phoenix, Arizona writes:
Does it ever bring you to tears when you think how beneficent America was to save you like we did? Because I cry in gratitude for this nation quite often. Just the sight of the flag makes me a little weepy. I guess that's how you feel. Take it easy.

The Average Iraqi:
Yes, Mr. Jeff Blackwell. Often do I tear. Whether they are tears of emotion, or merely the infected weeping of my shrapnel-impaled tear ducts, I cannot be certain. Either way though, I take greatest comfort in the knowledge that they are FREEDOM® Tears! And as for your country's tastefully-designed flag, yes, we Iraqasaurs have found that its arrival in our country has been occasion for much weeping, also.


Darren, from Freehold, Iowa writes:
Now that you have seen which God is more omnipotent, when can we expect to see Glorious McChurches throughout Iraq? Just curious (and eager for your True Redemption). Darren
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The Average Iraqi:
Good afternoon, Mr. Darren! Indeed, God's near effortless triumph over Allah during the invasion of my country has taught our people many things. In particular, as wonderful as it is to be occupied by legions of heavily armed xenophobic teenagers in desert camouflage, it is even more agreeable to be occupied by the mighty post-invasion crusader force sent by the Reverend Pat Robertson and Dr. Jerry Falwell. How altruistic they are to offer us all manner of patronizing handouts – and expect nothing in return but our complete abandonment of 1,500 years of religious culture and ideology! Indeed, we are most eager for the Glorious McChurches you speak of to become ubiquitous throughout our land, so that we may prostrate ourselves at the altar of Jesus, who clearly excels over Mohammed at being an invisible cloud-dweller who prescribes eternal torture for all who fail to gush sufficiently over His self-declared fabulousness.


Michael Bing, from Maumee, OH writes:
Could you describe how a typical day has changed for an average Iraqi such as yourself?

The Average Iraqi:
Thank you for kind question, Michael Bing! Goodness, so much has changed since 2003. More than anything else, we find FREEDOM® to be extremely economical, which is a great blessing. With our electricity so scarce, we spend less on utility bills. With our houses in rubble, we spend less on furniture. With our bodies having shed extraneous limbs, we spend less on soap. With our children unburdened by life itself, we spend less on food. But it's not ALL about money. Under Saddam, half the time we never knew into which mass pit our relatives' corpses were being bulldozed. But now, with FREEDOM®, when roadside bombs shred crowds of civilians into jerky each and every day, their families thrill to the joyous privilege of selecting non-anonymous graves!


J. Klein, from New York, NY writes:
How did it feel to vote in the last election? How did you go about deciding who to vote for? Was it very different from the former one party State you use to live in?

The Average Iraqi:
Hello to you, my New York City friend! To finally vote was surely the greatest thrill of our lifetimes. The long lines, the aggressive security checkpoint crotch frisking, the carcinogenic purple ink soaking deep into our fingers… To tell you the truth though, having never done this before, many of us were very nervous that we would make mistakes in the voting. Fortunately, we sleep easy knowing that if we elect the wrong people, that kindly America will once again re-educate us, guiding Iraq through the darkness with the warm light of 1,000,000 laser-guided JDAMs of love.


Les Moreland, from Chula Vista, CA writes:
What American chain stores are you most excited about seeing in your country now that freedom is on the march?

The Average Iraqi:
Greetings, Les Moreland! Yes, we Iraqazoids are unanimous in the sentiment that "things are getting much better" – and truly they will be better still once the wonderful American mega-corporations have made our proud, ancient cities aesthetically indistinguishable from Jacksonville, Florida. Wal-Mart, Lowes, Costco – all are welcome. Of course, we are most eager for the arrival of Hooters, inasmuch as we seek to emulate America's civilized and enlightened respect for its indigenous population of monster-titted Christian whores.


Jake Wycliffe, from Niagara Falls, NY writes:
Hello, sir. When you're taking a breather from jubilantly showering your liberators with flowers and candy, do you ever wonder what the monument to G.W. Bush you're going to build is going to look like?

The Average Iraqi:
To be honest with you, Jake Wycliffe, few among our people have yet had time to think of this, as even today, though flowers and candy are in short supply, we remain consumed with the overwhelming drive to revere our heavily-armed liberators – often by forming impromptu naked human pyramids for their amusement and satisfaction. As for our future monument to your glorious president, we shall employ the principles of FREEDOM® to democratically select a final design – to be constructed following the awarding of a nine-figure no-bid contact to the Kellogg, Brown, & Root subsidiary of Halliburton Corporation.


Jay Fazek, from Akron, OH writes:
Before the war, Vice President Dick Cheney told Americans that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, but now I am paying over $2.20 for a gallon of gas for my SUV. Please let me know when you plan to get busy pumping some oil!

The Average Iraqi:
Please, Mr. Jay Fazek – you must have unswerving faith in the Prophet Dick Cheney (peace be upon him) – He whose grasp of all things financial is peerless and immune to criticism. Indeed, just as your countrymen have accepted His logic behind the long-term viability of eternal deficit spending, so too should you accept that the $200 Billion in US tax dollars already poured into Iraq has actually saved you money. So embrace Cheneynomics, and someday soon, filling up your three-ton GMC Yukon with $10/gallon 86 octane will be as simple as taking out a fourth or fifth mortgage on your suburban McMansion.

As for the oil pumping, it is not for the people of Iraq to extract from beneath our homeland that which was bequeathed by the Almighty to His favorite country: America.


The Average Iraqi:
Thank you for your questions. But now, I must depart the confines of this mansion, this "White House", and return to my homeland, as I can no longer deny myself the overwhelming pleasure of being submerged in the American-made utopia that is today's Iraq. Please do not judge my hedonism too harshly. Thank you all, and God Bless America!

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