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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (09.29.2006):
SENATOR GEORGE ALLEN: PILLAR OF INCLUSIVENESS
Son of the famed Washington Redskins football coach George Allen, former Virginia Governor George Allen currently serves as his state's junior United States Senator. Like his political mentor George W. Bush, Senator Allen's rise to political super-stardom is attributable purely to his own formidable talents, and not merely the happy coincidence of having the same exact name as a famous, intelligent, and genuinely competent daddy. Allen's trademark cowboy hat and boots stand as testament to the heritage and authenticity of a man who spent his entire youth and early adulthood frolicking in the surf of Palos Verdes, California – and not, as many assume, the enormous cattle ranches for which Virginia is famous. Senator Allen is ready to take your questions, right here on ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.

Latisha Jackson, from Detroit, MI writes:
My brother Tyrone recently moved to Virginia. He wants to vote, but since he's new to the area, doesn't know too much about either candidate. Why should he cast a ballot for you?

Senator George Allen:
Well hello there, Motown Mammy! How very nice to receive a question from someone whose family has such colorful names! Gosh darn, I wasn't aware that Niggeronis (which is a nonsense word I just made up right this very second that means absolutely nothing) had computers!

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I think it's just great that Tyrone has an interest in politics. Of course, before getting started, that boy should probably check in with his parole officer to make sure he's actually eligible to vote. Heh-heh. Of course I'm only pulling your furry little tail, Latisha. Because during my distinguished record as Governor of the great Commonwealth of Virginia, I ABOLISHED parole! That's why I like to think of myself as a modern-day Abolitionist. That's right – so any troublemaking gangbanger who gets busted selling a nickel bag of the Mary Jane can look forward to a nice, inescapably long incarceration at the compassionate hands of my good friends in the Corrections Industry.

And if that isn't reason enough for Tyrone to vote for me, then tell him how I also proudly and *repeatedly* voted against establishing the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. Why? Well as I understand it, old Dr. King wanted folks to get ahead, so I figure the last thing he'd want you people to have is yet ANOTHER day off to lounge around collecting welfare, blasting rap-hop music and swilling 40's of St. Ides.

I hope that helps, La-Shaniq– whatever the hell your crazy name is. Oh, and please make sure and all his Niggeroni (see how fast these nonsense words catch on?) friends in Virginia mark their calendars for election day: the *second* Tuesday in November!


Phyllis Stein, from Maplewood, NJ writes:
I understand your mother recently disclosed to you your Jewish heritage. How are you coming to terms with your new identity?

Senator George Allen:
Thanks for the question, you old Jersey Renta-Yenta! To tell you the truth, as soon as mom told me, I immediately asked Jesus for forgiveness for being a Christ-killing hebe, then went home and burned a cross on my own front lawn.

NAW! Only joshing! Actually, I'm just glad I never found out until now. You see, I've spent twenty-five years courting a voter base of lilly-white, tongues-talking McJesus loonies. And until recently, the only thing those crackers knew about Jews was that they hated them for murdering Jesus and for creating Barbra Streisand. And not necessarily in that order. Of course these days, we evangelical Christians have decided we love Jews – at least until Jesus comes back and turns them into a river of blood. And since I'm not so politically suicidal as to actually practice Jewism, this revelation works nicely for me; now when I crack my favorite Auschwitz jokes, it's politically correct!

Besides, with a last name like Allen, I always kinda suspected there might be some kike blood in me. I used to have this weird recurring dream (still do, actually) where me and Woody Allen are taking turns porking that little zipperhead daughter of his. Freaky, right?


Julio Bracero, from Ponce, PR writes:
Hello Senator Allen,
Greetings from Puerto Rico! I have a question, do you have nicknames for every ethnic & minority group, or just for people of Indian descent? Also, as you know, president George W. Bush is fond on using nicknames – has he given you a nickname yet?

Senator George Allen:
Hey there, Chico-Rico! How's that "taxation without representation" thing treating you down there? Wait. Don't tell me. Because I don't really care.

I assume what you're referring to here is the so-called scandal concocted by the liberal media just because I addressed a young Democratic Indian-American staffer with a totally innocent, completely affectionate word that I just made up. But to answer your question, no, I don't have nicknames for groups, only individual people. That's why in this particular case, I chose "Macaca" – mainly because it would take way too long to say "Monkey-Faced Shit-For-Brains Pinko Dothead Fuck."

As for President Bush, yes, he calls me "Tex" – on account of I'm such a genuine, rootin-tootin' ranch hand in my fancy Stetson and $1000.00 cowboy boots - just like him.


Sean Hannity, from New York, NY writes:
Yo Georgey-Boy! Don't let recent events get you down. I'm super-stoked you're gonna be on my show tonight. Hey, why do you think that Democrats like to call YOU a bigot, but they never say anything about the fact that West Virginia's Senator Robert Byrd ADMITS that he used to be in the KU KLUX KLAN?!! Talk about HYPOCRITES, right?

Senator George Allen:
Hey Seanarooni! Way to Hannitize this joint, bro! Thanks for the fair and balanced question. Yeah, I mean, like it's not right that that old snow pygmie Byrd gets off so easy. I mean, just because he was born in 1917 – 45 whole years before me – and grew up in coal-mining Appalachia, that hardly means that he should be held to a different standard than someone who came of age during the late 1960's in a Los Angeles suburb.

Bryd can say totally racist stuff fifty years ago and get a pass from the mainstream media, but if I say something arguably racist this morning, they are all over me like niggers at Circuit City looting! I mean, what a sickening stain on the Democratic party he is! I'm just glad to belong to a party that has never, EVER had anyone like that. No siree bob!

Thanks again Seanster! See you on your show tonight!


Sean Karson, from Pittsburgh, PA writes:
I heard on the news that lots of your former teammates from college claim that you used to regularly call people "niggers", and one even says you stuffed a deer head into a black family's mailbox. Is that true???

Senator George Allen:
Listen, it's like I'm going to say on Fox News tonight, "I don't recall ever using the N-word." Got that? Of course, for all anyone knows, I could really be talking about "necrophilia" or "nowledge." See, this is one of those situations where political correctness is working in my favor – since everyone's too scared to actually have anyone say "nigger" – I'm not technically lying when I talk about whatever "N-word" it is I might happen to be thinking about. Of course, I'll also qualify that pseudo-denial with "I don't recall every word I've ever said" – just in case the tape recording surfaces from that one frat brother who's been blackmailing me all these years.

As for that deer head nonsense, instead of actually denying it, let me just say, "No one else remembers it." I mean, can you remember every mailbox you stuffed a dead animal head into? No, I didn't think so!

Damn, I'm getting pretty tired of this racism stuff! I mean, my dad was a football coach, so when I was growing up, I spent more than my fair share of time around Negroes. Yessir, lots of time in the locker room, and may I say that I even made some small talk with a few of those horse-dicked pigskin tossers. So don't go calling ME a bigot, you hear?


Doreen Lurleen Jones, from Omaha, NE writes:
I think it's just DISGUSTING the way that libs are attacking you just for having said some stuff! I'm sorry, but isn't this still the UNITED STATE OF AMERICA!! Dont Democrates understand anything about FREE SPEACH!!! Last I checked, we was one nation under GOD -- not the durn PC police! God bless you, sir -- and keep your head held high in the face of this Christian persecution.

Senator George Allen:
Thank you, Doreen! I really appreciate your support. Yes, it's tragic the degree to which Democrats have allowed themselves to be consumed by poisonous partisanship. That's why I'm opposed to them and their vicious rhetoric, and why, at the 1994 Virginia state Republican convention, I said, "My friends... let's enjoy knocking their soft teeth down their whining throats."

Thanks again. I only hope enough voters in my state agree with you, so I can continue my crusade to restore some dignity and civility to the political process.


Rob Clasen, from Denver, CO writes:
What type of rope do you recommend for the best noose quality?

Senator George Allen:
Thanks for your question, Rob. As you may know, I for many years decorated my law office with a large noose – the better to advertise my "get tough on crime" position. Some folks complained about that – saying that it's a loaded racial symbol, on account of nooses were used to lynch tons of coons after in the good old days of the Confederacy (whose flag I just coincidentally also have hanging in my home). Of course, that's nonsense. Just because something was historically associated with something, that doesn't mean it's automatically bad. Like, say I have a human skin lampshade in my den, does that mean I'm Hitler? Not! Of course, now that I find out that that desk lamp may actually be a great-grandmother or something, I may unload it at Susan's "Golden Age of Blackface" memorabilia garage sale this weekend.

But to answer your question: it depends. If the noose is merely decorative, I recommend the fattest, whitest nylon you can get. But if the noose is actually for stringing up darkies, then I wouldn't recommend rope at all. Piano wire is much more effective. Hope that helps.


JoBob Davis, from Montgomery, AL writes:
I HERD ON RUSH LIMBAUGH THAT UR INSULTING THE STARS AND BARS AND THATS R FLAG!!!! I USED TO LIKE U BUT NOW U SAID THAT IF I C U IM GONNA SMASH UR FACE U FUKKIN' NIGGAR LUVR!!! U JEWBOY PUSSY!!!

Senator George Allen:
Hooooo, Nellie! Don't get yer custom-tailored bedsheets in wad there, brother! Don't forget, one of the bummers of being a politician is that you often have to fraternize with disgusting sub-humans you don't like and say things you don't mean. So yes, last week I may have said something about the Confederate flag being a "symbol of hate," but do me a favor, OK? Instead of judging me on my campaign stops, judge me on my DEEDS as an elected legislator. Specifically, remember that back when I was Governor, I actually issued a formal proclamation declaring a Confederate History Month, and calling the Civil War "a four-year struggle for independence and sovereign rights."

Get it? I think you do. See you 'round the bonfire, JoBob. (Wink.)


Senator George Allen:
And with that, I want to think all you keyboard-diddling techno-dorkuses out there for swinging by to gab it up. I appreciate all your support. The polls look might tight right now, but just as soon as this Diebold-enhanced election cycle is over, I look forward to getting to know you all must better during my 2008 Presidential campaign!

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