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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (10.06.2003):
DONALD RUMSFELD: DEFENSE SECRETARY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Good evening. I'm Donald Rumsfeld. As Supreme Leader of the Armed Forces, I'm responsible for strategic management and oversight of wholesale Arabiac slaughter by the United States Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and National Guard. Having held the same position during the administration of Gerald R. Ford, I bring an unparalleled depth of knowledge at maintaining tip-top morale amongst legions of highly trained specialists dispatched indefinitely to direct traffic in hostile, bombed-out ghettos half a world away. Tonight it's my pleasure to take time to bask in your praise of my tactical brilliance. So let's begin!


Jerome, from Chicago, IL writes:
With President Bush having announced earlier today that military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq are now answerable to a White House "Stabilization Group" headed by Condoleezza Rice, how to you respond to Americans who charge that even your bosses think your planning (or lack thereof) has created utter disaster zones in both those countries?

Secretary Rumsfeld:
Well gee whilligers! That just couldn't be any more wrong than spreading marmalade on a steaming pile of flapjacks! Not only is my plan proceeding exactly as scripted, this whole "Stabilization Group" business IS part of my plan:

Phase I: Bomb some hell hole(s) into dust
Phase II: Call in a colored chambermaid to clean up the mess (AKA "Stabilization Plan")
Phase III: Bomb some new hell hole(s) into dust
Understand? Good. Next question.


Luke Jasper, from Durham, NC writes:
Like, I read something about how our army is all over the world and we don’t have enough men in Iraq. Don’t you think we’re spreading our forces too thin?

Secretary Rumsfeld:
Goodness gracious, I didn't know you were Secretary of Defense. So nice to meet you, Secretary of Defense Luke Jasper. Maybe you can tell us: are we spreading our armed forces too thin? Because you'd know – you'd know where all of the Army's 33 brigades are stationed - and their missions, secret and otherwise. And while you were dispatching the largest military in the history of the world and preparing strategies to defeat the enemies of freedom, you thought "Hey, I really think it would be swell if I spread our forces too thin." Right? That’s what you thought, didn't you?

Ha, ha, ha. No, of course you didn't. That's because I'm the Secretary of Defense. And you're just a hippy ballerina with a leotard wedgie talking shit about stuff she knows nothing about. Next question.


Lawrence, from Topeka, KS writes:
You also served as Gerald Ford's Chief of Staff before becoming Secretary of Defense. Do you and Andy Card ever swap stories about what's it's like to be the President's "right hand man?"

Secretary Rumsfeld:
Boy howdy do we ever! Of course, Gerald Ford and George W. Bush are two very different men - with two very different wives. And since all Chiefs of Staff spend half their time making sure the President's "ball and chain" stays out of his hair, Andy and I have plenty to talk about on that front. He's got it much much easier than I did. Heck, while I had to spend thousands of hours skulking around Lafayette Park to score Betty's street Quaaludes and reds, all Andy needs to do is roll on down to the Safeway Pharmacy and take delivery of Pickles' latest thousand-count XANAX refill. Lucky young fella, that Andy. Next question.


Angela Peppard, from Akron, OH writes:
Dear Mr. Secretary, I am president of my local Christian Book Club out here in Akron, Ohio and the ladies and I think you’re just doing a swell job defending freedom. How do you stay so energetic at 76?

Secretary Rumsfeld:
Well howdy, Angela! It is always a Jim Dandy pleasure and a half to talk to real salt-of-the-Earth Americans. Now to tell the truth, I don't know what it is that gives me my spark. Why, before President Bush contacted me through a beam of sunlight shining through a passing cloud, I was a nigh vegetable, a withered husk of former corporate and governmental influence, drooling and crapping my days away in a wheelchair.

But now, by gum, I don't know if it's the Metamucil IV drip, the plates of bleeding raw steaks I eat, my recreational terrorist interrogations, or the fact that I'm in control of enough raw firepower to destroy the Earth over and over and over again, but I feel tee-riffic! Never had more energy in my life. In fact, when you see me on the talking picture box in front of a podium, handing all those fancy pencil pushers their asses, I'm also pumping my Viagra-infused, vein-encrusted zipper JDAM! If you find that shocking and against your Christian principles, well so be it. But you know you like it, you frigid little bitch, you.


Samantha, from Lawrenceville, NJ writes:
What's it like being a Princeton man in the company of so many Yalies?

Secretary Rumsfeld:
Well goodness gracious me oh my, Samantha! That's not a factor at all. Here in the Bush Administration, we're all grown-up enough to not let little things like Ivy League rivalries get in the way of work. Besides, every Yalie knows that a Tiger can tear a their sorry little Bulldog to shreds in the blink of an eye. Just ask that homo magician from Sigfried & Ebert. But at the end of the day, the important thing is that we're all top-tier Ivy here at the White House. It's not like we have any losers from Brown or Cornell kicking around. Well, at least not outside of the janitorial staff. I hope that answers your question. Next.


Susan, from Tacoma, WA writes:
I've been reading about how evil North Korea is and like, how they seem more evil than Iraq, yet we attacked Iraq and are like, frankly, acting like ninnies toward North Korea.

Secretary Rumsfeld:
A ninny, huh Susan? Well, golly gosh darned thingamajigs! I don't really have time to brief a civilian on the intricacies of the current geopolitical scene, or the finer points of international diplomacy, or the fact that North Korea, like Iran, has a nuclear patron in the form of China for the nutjob slants and the Russkies for the ragheads. Therefore, a less militaristic approach is required to disarm these evil evil evil evil evil countries.

But between you and me: eway illway illkay emthay allway.


Alice, from Florence, KY writes:
Mr. Rumsfield, I wanted to find out if our troops who are getting a 2 week trip back home from Iraq are getting paid any extra money to assist them in getting to their homes and families for an R&R visit?

Secretary Rumsfeld:
Extra money for R&R? Holy mackerel no! Isn't it enough that I'm letting them come home to say their final goodbyes to their families before Saddam bin Laden up and fricassees the whole of the planet in a giant terror skillet of nukular mustard pox? I certainly think so, Miss Alice. Besides, why should I give the taxpayers' money to a bunch of disposable military grunts who'll just waste it on food and education for their American children when that same money could just as well be spent on food and education and cluster bombs for little Arabiac children? I mean, sheesh!


Chuck, from Alexandria, VA writes:
When are you going to reveal what the Administration really knew about Iraqi WMDs and what we currently know about the terrorists Iraq was supposedly supporting?

Secretary Rumsfeld:
As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know.

Furthermore, there are known knowns we know but don't want you to know, and things you know we know no one knows because we made them up. There are possible knowns we make up and pass off as known knowns, but we know they are not known and know not to admit they're not known but in fact known knowns.

There are also unknown knowns, things we'd like to know, but don't know, but know someone who can doctor them and pass them off as known knowns. But take heart, we know a lot. Like we know a lot about you, Chuck, and we know that WMDs exist, and we know that eventually they will be used to kill you and your wife and 2.5 kids. As for those unknown unknowns we don't know about, what you don't know can't hurt you or influence rational policy.

You know?


Secretary Rumsfeld:
That's all the time I have today. Thank you all for tuning in.

XOXOXOXOXOX,

     - Rummy

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