In This Installment (04.11.2006):
BRIAN J. DOYLE: HOMELAND SECURITY SENIOR OFFICIAL
As a senior official with top-secret security clearance at the Department of Homeland Security, Brian J.
Doyle toils tirelessly into the wee hours of the night at his taxpayer-owned computer, working to ensure
that America's children will remain safe and protected from the countless unimaginably terrifying
threats that promise to annihilate their Godly nation. A former (reformed) member of the liberal media
institution Time Magazine, Mr. Doyle ranks as one of the Bush Administration's top experts in the fields
of Family Values and Internet Safety. Mr. Doyle is happy to host this special Q&A chat session edition
of ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.
[BEGIN CHAT TRANSCRIPT]
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Timmy24832: Yo Brian.
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[Moderator BrianJDoyle has Entered the Room]
BrianJDoyle: Hello everyone! I'm Brian J. Doyle - Deputy Press Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security.
USA-Rox4Evr: Whasssssssssup, B?
BrianJDoyle: Now before we begin... AGE/SEX CHECK!
BrianJDoyle: Cool! So anybody have any questions about my way awesome and important job? If so, go for it!!!
Ethel29_B: I am very concerned about our oceans, Mr. Doyle. Did you know 8,000 lbs of toxic mercury is dumped into the ocean each year? I would like to know how the federal government is protecting our oceans.
BrianJDoyle: Oceans? Did I say I'm w/ the Dept of HomeOCEAN security? Get real U dumb old bag!!!
Ethel29_B: Well I never!
BrianJDoyle: Hey SuzieLuvsPonies- I have TOP-SECRET clearance. How cool is that?
BrianJDoyle: Wanna go private?
Bruce8548388: Mr. Doyle - some people say that Homeland Security is far too large a bureaucracy to ever be truly effective. Do you agree or disagree?
Domin8Me69: I'll go private.
BrianJDoyle: OMG what BS. Its way effective. I work hard on my computer all day. Like right now, for instance.
BrianJDoyle: Domin8 - Thx but no thx u perv.
Timmy24832: When I grow up, I want to be a secret agent and fight bad guys. How can I get a job like yours Mr. Doyle?
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SuzieLuvsPonies: Is Suzie your real name?]
BrianJDoyle: It's not easy Timmy. 1st U have to get fired from Time Warner for downloading goatse pron, then pass a security test. U can do it tho.
Timmy24832: Rad! Thank you!
BrianJDoyle: No prob Timmy
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Bruce8548388: Hi there Gramps!
[Private Message from SuzieLuvsPonies to BrianJDoyle: yes my name is suzie]
BrianJDoyle: Hi there gramps! Got a question about for me about homeland security?
GrampsFred421: hello everone.
GrampsFred421: yes I have question...
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SuzieLuvsPonies: u like fat cock, suzie?]
[Private Message from SuzieLuvsPonies to BrianJDoyle: Ewwww! UR GROSS]
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GrampsFred421: How many of those 12,000,000 Illegal Immigrants are POSSIBLE TERRIORIST? Why do Americans have to be Legal and The Red Carpet is being put out to these Illegal Immigrants. FAIR IS FAIR.
BrianJDoyle: Dunno gramps. The border ain't my beat. I'm a desk man. Next?
USA-Rox4Evr: Mr Doyle - do you get ever get to work with our country's super-amazing president?
BrianJDoyle: no but 1 time like 10 yrs ago I saw jenna swimming at a hotel pool. She wuz mad hot.
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[User PatrioLady199 has Entered the Room]
BrianJDoyle: Welcome, Sleepr + Patriolady. Age/Sex check!
PatrioLady199: pleased to make your ackquaintence! 37/F
Ethel29_B: Well if oceans aren't part of our homeland, then what about LAKES?? They are also water and get polluted too. What are you doing about them???
BrianJDoyle: U still here Ethel29? Shouldn't u be off having menopause or something? LOL.
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SleeprCell12: what are u wearing?]
USA-Rox4Evr: ROTLMAO!! You really socked it to that tree-hugger feminazi, RJD!
BrianJDoyle: Thx USA-Rox.
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[Private Message from SleeprCell12 to BrianJDoyle: an abaya. my father is very stern, and spanks me if I remove it. ]
BrianJDoyle: Any more Q's? we're almost outta time, cuz I am sooooo busy working hard.
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SleeprCell12: abaya?? must be HOT and STICKY in there. want to meet me at a motel 6 and slip into ur birthday suit?]
PatrioLady199: WE cannot ever forget 911. It was so Sad and Devestating. 3,000 Americans lost there lifes and the families are in pain. We have to have a Better and Stronger America. Protect America from being attacked again. I have to be Legal so shoud they. PLEASE PROTECT US!!!!
[Private Message from SleeprCell12 to BrianJDoyle: OK - on one condition…]
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SleeprCell12: ANYTHING]
BrianJDoyle: Don't worry, PatrioLady! U can count on homeland security guys like me to keep u safe.
[Private Message from SleeprCell12 to BrianJDoyle: bring me the top-secret nuke launch codes]
PatrioLady199: Really? Are you sure Mr. Doyle?
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SleeprCell12: hmmmm. will I get to eat ur pussy?]
Timmy24832: Yeah, are you sure Mr. Doyle - cuz I get ascared too.
BrianJDoyle: Totally. We got yer back, America. I promise.
PatrioLady199: Oh thank goodness! It's so comforting to know we have a well-run government that takes the time to competently screen its hires so we end up with top-notch people like you, Mr. Doyle!
[Private Message from SleeprCell12 to BrianJDoyle: yes, in exchange for nuke codes, you may partake of unlimited oral stimulation of adolescent vagina. Simply e-mail the preferred rendez-vu location firstname.lastname@example.org]
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SleeprCell12: DEAL. E-mailing it now...]
BrianJDoyle: OK, thx for coming to "Ask the White House" everyone. That's a wrap, cuz I got someplace I gotta be!
[Private Message from SleeprCell12 to BrianJDoyle: tell noone of this plan. ]
[Private Message from BrianJDoyle to SleeprCell12: kewl. See U there]
SleeprCell12: farewell to you all.
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[END CHAT TRANSCRIPT]
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