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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (04.28.2004):
DENNIS MILLER: HILARIOUS CONSERVATIVE CELEBRITY
Esteemed comedic genius Dennis Miller has long been revered by persons of consequence as one of America's greatest cultural treasures. From the poignant didacticism of his trademark "Rants," to the gripping subtlety of his performance in Bordello of Blood, all the way to his unqualified success in single-handedly popularizing the "mullet" hairstyle, this lovably irascible Saturday Night Live alumnus has left an indelible stamp on the American psyche. Today, Dennis will take your questions about life, death, talk show theory, and his post-9/11® transformation into the world's pre-eminent purveyor of gut-busting neoconservative, 110% pro-Bush mirth!


Andrew Chrzanowski, from Newark, DE writes:
Your insightful commentary on Monday Night Football is sorely missed. Will you be coming back to the announcing booth any time soon?

Dennis Miller:
Now I don't want to get off on a rant hereTM, but... [Laughs.] football and I just weren't a good match. I mean come on, Love American Style had a more believable hookup when they paired Connie Stevens with Buddy Hackett. [Laughs.] A scrawny little guy like me with a salt and pepper prison pussy on my face hanging out in a locker room full of testosterone-pumped NFL jarheads? It makes about as much as sense as learning about Chilean entomology in the Sanskrit edition of Modern Antiquities magazine. Well that, and I was fired for sucking. [Laughs.]

Of course, that's just my opinionTM. I could be wrongTM.


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Lorne M., from New York, NY writes:
Dennis – I know you're swamped with the demands of producing your brilliant new show on CNBC, but would you ever consider lowering yourself to guest-host a weekly late-night variety show?

Dennis Miller:
Guest host? Late-night variety? Whoa. What are you talking about? That's for comedians! I'm not a comedian anymore... I'm a political pundit making a difference. And let me tell you – it's like freebasing Viagra going on every night and spouting off Peggy Noonan's latest Journal column after I've peppered it with the most arcane sitcom references I can find in the stack of 1960's TV Guides upon which I've based roughly three-fourths of my career. I'm like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington – without the getting elected thing, that Capraeque conscience hookum, or caring about my fellow citizens. [Laughs.] It's wicked! I've got political integrity the way Cortez had Mezzican gold!


Chris Collins, from Boston, MA writes:
Dear Dennis,

You were always one of my favorite comedians. Lately your career path has come to remind me of another great comic – the late, great Andy Kauffman. Like Andy, your early work featured smart, irreverent, off-centered humor that was always guaranteed to crack me up. Later, you made a Kauffman-esque character shift by becoming a right-wing crank. Your new character reminds me of Kauffman┤s Tony Clifton character – a self-absorbed, vitriolic racist – thoroughly unfunny, yet completely captivating. Is this "new you" a brilliant homage to Andy?

Dennis Miller:
Shhhhhhhhh! [Laughs.] Yeah Cha-Cha, because I really want that fruity crooner Michael Stipe to write a jerk-off ballad about me, too. [Laughs.]

But really, it's like I keep saying, 9/11® changed everything for me. Within seconds of 9/11®, my entire worldview was altered. I realized that I was washed up as a comic and that there was a huge glassy-eyed Fox-Murdoch demographic out there that, like Linda Lovelace before them, was willing to swallow anything. If I started slavishly telling them what they wanted to hear, I figured I could parlay my exciting and cerebral brand of "Sean Hannity with F Troop References" into a lucrative talk show. So, with a tiny tear I lovingly coaxed to the corner of one eye (both eyes, man, would have been jejune), I bravely announced in the middle of a national "We Love Bush" circle jerk that when I woke up on September 12th, I instantly understood that the Bush Administration is perfect and can do no wrong. And even though there's plenty of evidence to suggest that's just a bullshit line we cooked up later to convince the Free Republic crowd to watch my new talk show, I'm sticking to it like wedgies at a fractal geometry conference. OK babe? Know what I mean?


Chris, from Tennessee writes:
Does it bother you that a lot of people feel your show on CNBC is more or less a blatant and inferior rip-off of "The Daily Show"?

Dennis Miller:
The What Show? [Laughs.] Puh-leeze. I've got two words for you babe: "WEEKEND. UPDATE." Remember that? I invented fake news in 1985. Dan Aykroyd and Jan Curtin, in an act of cunning Einsteinium time warp intellectual property theft, were just stealing my shtick long before my ass wound up at the news desk because no one thought I was funny enough to cast me in any skits. I also invented comic strips and clowns. I am mirth. Next question.


Mark, from Georgetown, Texas writes:
What do Susan Sarandon and Barbra Streisand think about you becoming a right-winger? Have they now stopped inviting you to their parties? With whom does a right wing superstar party?

Dennis Miller:
Well, babe, lemme tell you – I party with Governor Arnold. In fact, Mike Murphy (his personal Karl Rove) is the Producer of my mega-huge CNBC show. I never hang out with those Kabballah-loving hippy rejects. I'd rather dress up like a girl scout and watch Kubrick's Lolita with Roman Polanski after lovingly lubing up every hole in my body than toss back a few all-American brewskis with a bunch of Bolsheviks who don't get that the war in Iraq is like, The Visigoths Attack, Part II, okay? [Laughs.]


Josh, from Ramadi, Iraq writes:
Dennis, I am currently deployed to Iraq for the second time in less than 6 months. My question is, why does this country smell so bad and why have we ignored it for so long? Why are we so worried about "electricity" and "potable water" for the people when we should be concerned with shipping some Glade Plug-Ins to these poor bastards? I mean seriously, I can't be the only one who has noticed this. Hello?

Dennis Miller:
I feel your pain, Josh. OK, so maybe I don't. You'd never know it to look at me, but I just spent most of today luxuriating in a $200/hr Los Angeles spa. They have these little Korean honeys who come in and scrub you like you're the kitchen floor in a Stuttgart bed and breakfast! Anyway though, yeah, I'm sure that joint is a real shithole. But at least it's now a FREE® shithole, right? I'd come over and help you if I weren't so busy cashing checks and riding around on Air Force One. Besides, if I actually went to a war, how could I sit back in air-conditioned safety and shake my huge, fluffy pro-war pompoms like Paula Abdul after a crystal meth suppository?

But tell you what, if you make it home in one piece, come on my show and tell my 15,000 viewers all about it. Of course, if you pull a John Kerry and cry about your buddies getting killed in a totally pointless clusterfuck, I'll have no choice but to sarcastically mock you as the wussy you are. [Laughs.]


Tim Cerka, from Phoenix, AZ writes:
It's so great to have this opportunity to speak with you Mr. Miller. Your work is always so great. Really great. I've been watching your great new show religiously, and I was wondering: In Return of the Jedi, there's this little snake or lizard-like thing that runs around Jabba the Hut and licks him and stuff. Was that you?

Dennis Miller:
Fuck you. Next question.


Candy, from Raton, New Mexico writes:
Dennis, I seem to remember you on TV a while back, expressing some confusion about the bevy of virgins who are said to be awaiting Islamic martyrs in the afterlife. You said something like, "What's the big deal with virgins? They're OK, but at some point I'm gonna want a finger jammed up my ass." Not only was that utterly vile, it also made no sense. Care to clarify it for us?

Dennis Miller:
Hey, take it easy, Cha-Cha! Can't a guy can't even invoke the image of a Lee Press-On nail slithering into his unwashed, hairy cornhole for comedic effect these days without some little dame twisting her hemp granny thong into a macrame straightjacket? [Laughs.] It's called a prostate, sugar. And in my version of heaven, there's a slut with fingers the size of Ron Jeremy's schlong giving me the deep tickle – twenty-four-seven. OK?


Chuck, from Claremont, CA writes:
As a conservative, I pride myself on being able to compare John Kerry to different things, such as comparing him to socialist Frenchies or to Lurch on everything from bumper stickers to lawn signs. You, however, are one of the dozens of PROFESSIONAL conservative hilarity machines! What strategies do you use when lampooning Kerry, and what do you compare him to?

Dennis Miller:
Like, I compare John Kerry to Abraham Lincoln, except for the facial hair and the whole leadership thing. He's a beanpole fruit loop who's Ted Kennedy on a low-carb, high-laxative diet. [Laughs.] He's a so-called war hero, but let me tell you something babe – if actually experiencing combat first-hand qualifies you to understand war, then what the hell am I doing up here making loads of cashola? [Laughs.] I mean, buy a clue bucko. If that were true, President Bush would have no business leading all these boys and chicks to their honorary deaths in Iraq. I guess I'm ok with being sooooo Cassandra with you spineless tree huggers, but the war in Iraq is good for the country and people should listen to me because I'm famous and rich. Ca-ching! [Laughs.]


Dennis Miller:
And that's a wrap. I'll be in my trailer.

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