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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (11.04.2005):
DAVID ADDINGTON: VICE PRESIDENTIAL CHIEF OF STAFF
Following last week's vicious, groundless indictment of 100% innocent I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice President Cheney proudly promoted his longtime confidant, legal genius David Addington, to assume the role of Chief of Staff. A model CIA and Pentagon apparatchik, Mr. Addington is revered on both sides of the far right-wing aisle as a legendary warrior of bureaucracy, whose near-prodigal gift for authoring scintillating boilerplate is best appreciated in the pages of his sundry pro-torture memos and toothless, yet amiably menacing letters to insipid websites. Though preternaturally reclusive, Mr. Addington has agreed to take YOUR questions – right here on "ASK THE WHITE HOUSE."

Maryanna, from Sun Valley, CA writes:
Dear Mr. Addington. Congratulations on your promotion! I realize that it's not happening under the most ideal circumstances, but after all those years working anonymously in the shadows, it must be really satisfying to step out into the sunlight and finally get the attention you deserve! How are you enjoying it?

David Addington:
I can neither confirm nor deny the alleged near-orgasmic satisfaction arising from any decades-overdue acknowledgement of a lifetime of sphincter-tickling sycophancy. Furthermore, please be aware that in accordance with Subsection 5-N of Executive Order #13395 (pending), any civilians perceived as inordinately inquisitive can, at the sole unaccountable discretion of this office, face compulsory late-night dispatchment to the Naval Observatory command bunker annex, where they may be subject to a strenuously humane week-long Q&A with duly certified electro-genitorture specialists. Thank you.

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Thomas Mears, from Atlanta, GA writes:
Are you the same David Addington who ran that private detective agency with Cybill Shepherd in the 1980's? I think that is so cool that you've moved on from private investigator to big time government guy. Way to go!

David Addington:
No, you must be confusing me with another David Addington. Despite my avowed fondness for private enterprise, I have in fact spent the overwhelming majority of my adult life suckling hot, savory gravy from the engorged teat of government. As such, the David Addington you mention could not possibly be me. Of course, nothing in my denial can or should be construed to preclude the possibility of said person having illegally assumed my identity for reasons unknown to or authorized by me. You may be interested to learn that in such circumstances, soon-to-be passed Federal law, drafted by me, stipulates that the aggrieved party is entitled to special injunctive relief, up to and including the punitive vigilante insertion of red-hot, serrated razor blades beneath the fingernails and eyelids of both the accused parties and their pets.


Tom Clarkson, from Fairbanks, AK writes:
Dear Mr. Addington – Since lots of us armchair warrior dudes really depend on living vicariously through the Bush White House, we were pretty super-disappointed when you totally wussed out on your fight with that disgusting website that makes fun of Mrs. Cheney. Now that you're extra-powerful, are you finally gonna give those assholes the smackdown they deserve?

David Addington:
Thank you for your question. As you no doubt know, I share your concern over any egregious abuses of the First Amendment which may contribute to a climate of dangerously uncontrolled thought. Please be aware that the rogue parties to which you refer, despite their myriad grossly insincere gestures of remorse – including the dedication of an entire book to yours truly – remain under searing and constant scrutiny.

Furthermore, please note that any prolonged delay by this Office in mounting a rigorous response to any irreverently treasonous materials – such as those described above – should in no way be construed as a summary waiver of our right to aggressively pursue appropriate penalties at a later date, up to and including the application of diamond-tipped thumbscrews and/or three gallon colonics of flaming Bacardi 151.


P.C. Higgins, from Moulton, TX writes:
I understand that you worked for the CIA from 1981 to 1984, during the height of the Cold War. Did you do any super-secret spy work like Valerie Plame, or did you just drive to the office every day and work at a desk? And were you ever mentioned in one of Bob Novak's columns?

David Addington:
Please be aware that the leaking of even potentially sensitive information regarding current or former Republican CIA operatives constitutes a SEVERE breach of national security that WILL cause irreparable damage to national security. Notwithstanding the preceding sentence, if your revelation is presumed merely to be sarcastic commentary on an ongoing investigation, such a statement automatically constitutes EVILDOING per se, an actionable tort subjecting both yourself and no fewer than four successive generations of your family to decades-long solitary confinement in the feces-strewn cement catacombs of a rat-infested Romanian gulag.


Serena Dickinsworth, from Memphis, TN writes:
I understand that President Bush gives folksy, playfully abusive nicknames to everyone who works in the White House. What's yours?

David Addington:
"Mr. Roboto, Esq."


Lyle Atkins, from West Freemont, KS writes:
Since you've been the Vice President's counsel for so long, you must have been super PO'ed to see your newbie Presidential counterpart Harriet Miers get appointed to the Supreme Court! Was it hard to keep your cool?

David Addington:
Demand is hereby made that, to the extent that you have verbalized, broadcast, or otherwise disseminated the above unsubstantiated conjecture, or any portion thereof, that you immediately cease and desist from such activities. To the extent that you have implied my impatience and/or disappointment at having been passed over in favor of that know-nothing, saggy-titted, gila monster-looking old gash, demand is hereby made that you refrain from doing so, lest I be constrained to award myself such relief as I alone deem appropriate, up to and including summary amputation of your limbs and the parboiling of your torso in a vat of habanero-infused corn oil.


Ken Lay, from Houston, TX writes:
I thought it was so great the way you successfully kept anyone from finding out which of us guys from the Houston Old Boys Club were on the Vice President's Energy Task Force. If it weren't for all your help, we might never have succeeded in getting gas up to $3.00/gallon! Thanks Daverooni!

David Addington:
The public utterance of Mr. Cheney's proprietary trade secret information as described above is not authorized by the Office of the Vice President, any of its agents, or least of all the Exhalted Order of Petrochemical Oligarchs. I request that you immediately take steps to repudiate this assertion, however truthful. If you do not act expeditiously to prevent public awareness of the preceding violation, this Office, under my personal direction, will seek the imposition of the following penalty upon your person: Pursuant to Executive Coercion Order 732 §§ 231, the conspicuous pre-cancerous moles atop the accused's shiny bald scalp will be excised – in the absence of anesthesia – using rusty cuticle scissors, then slowly cauterized with the fragrant cherry of a Swisher Sweet cigarillo butt.


Marjorie Stoj, from Grand Rapids MI writes:
Were you scared when you found out that you figure prominently in the criminal indictment of your old boss Scooter Libby, and are you nervous about having to testify in his perjury trial?

David Addington:
Speaking purely in my capacity as an unindicted co-conspirator, I would advise the questioner to bear in mind that the burden of establishing the alleged nervousness shall rest on the party asserting such state of mind. Furthermore, given the smug, self-satisfied subtext of the line of inquiry, said questioner stands further advised to promptly discontinue any presumption of safety in her suburban Michigan hovel, which as of this very moment is being laid waste by a circling squadron of rocket-wielding Secret Service black helicopters.

(Looks at watch.)

Are you there Marjorie? Marjorie?

I thought not.


David Addington:
This Q&A does not purport to be a complete or exhaustive recitation of the facts or circumstances surrounding my role and responsibilities within the White House and/or Eisenhower Executive Office Building; nor should any statement contained herein be construed as a waiver or relinquishment of any of our my rights or remedies, whether legal, equitable, or grievously physically disfiguring, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Thank you.

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