Whitehouse.org is the officious web site for the White House and President George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States.


In This Installment (04.22.2003):

Christine Todd Whitman: Good evening, I'm Christie Whitman, Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency. On this Earth Day 2003, I welcome you to the latest in our new "Ask the White House" simulated online discussions. This evening, as I broadcast a carefully crafted spin on President Bush's environmental record, it's important to reflect on just how far we've come. True, we're opening up more old growth forests to logging and strip-mining, yet too many ATV riders are being denied the freedom to shred it up on endangered, yet ultimately worthless patches of delicate ecosystems. We're working hard to change that.

I'm looking forward to chatting at you about the environment, so let's get started.

Matt, from Kensington MD writes:
It appears to me that forest protection and clean air should be top priorities for the EPA, but as far as I can tell the timber, oil, and utility lobbyists have your boss' ear. What are you doing to protect the forests and reduce air pollution?

Christine Todd Whitman:
Moderator, I thought you said you'd weed through the real questions and toss me the softballs.

The 4,200 questions submitted thus far are virtually identical. This is the only one that didn't call us "earth-raping corporate whores."

Christine Todd Whitman:
Very well then. Thank you for your question, Matt. It's my pleasure to evade it. Both forest protection and clean air are two very important areas for the President. And by "important," I mean "not." In fact, President Bush voiced almost comically empty concern for those issues in his State of the Union Address this year.

The President's non-ironically-titled "Clear Skies" legislation would force the reduction of nitrogen oxide, sulfur dioxide, and mercury emissions by 70 percent. And by "force," I mean "give a sexy wink to America's biggest polluters and submissively suggest that maybe one day they at least think about putting a cork in thier toxin-belching smokestacks – if for no other reason than to give the President bragging rights for having accomplished slightly more than nothing."

The "Healthy Forests" Initiative, run by the Departments of Agriculture and Interior, recognizes that federal policy of fighting forest fires has resulted in an unnatural buildup of undergrowth. As such, going forward, we will move proactively to grant lucrative contracts to our campaign-supporting friends in the timber industry, who will go in and selflessly prevent shrubbery fires by clear-cutting thousand year-old trees, and preserving them as attractive, mass-produced dining room sets.

I hope you've enjoyed learning about "Clear Skies" and "Healthy Forests," and now understand that the President is committed to crafting environmental programs which accomplish precisely the opposite of what they're called. Stay tuned for the "Pristine Waters" fecal contamination concealment initiative, and the "Bountiful Creatures" Wholesale Wildlife Extermination Act of 2005.

Paul, from Frederick MD writes:
What environmental practices did you bring from your years in New Jersey and are they working in the federal government or across the land?

Christine Todd Whitman:
Since I come from the state with more Superfund toxic sites than any other – plus over 8,000 garden-variety hazardous waste sites – President Bush naturally felt that I was right choice to preside over the Environmental Protection Agency. The most important lesson that I brought from my days as governor is that the way to ensure environmental health is not defined by actually preventing pollution, but rather by emphasing only those arcane statistics which suggest improvement in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. That is a mindset that we are mandating at the agency, and we look forward to helping every community in America emulate the environmental and aesthetic triumph that is my home state's crown jewel: Newark.

Chipper, from Lawrenceville, NJ writes:
Can you tell us the time you pretended to be a cop and frisked down that presumed-guilty negro teen in Camden? Did you catch cooties?

Christine Todd Whitman:
I have very fond memories of that crisp evening in 1996 – memories which survive the knowledge that a snapshot of that incident essentially ended my political career – costing me my shot at being President Bush's running mate in 2000, and relegating me to the Republican purgatory that is the EPA. As for cooties, no. Fortunately I was wearing gloves, and the officers I was accompanying were nice enough to fumigate me immediately after I touched the colored boy.

Carol, from California writes:
Why don't you include Carbon Dioxide as one of the gases that should be curbed by industrial sources?

Christine Todd Whitman:
The President's "Clear Skies" initiative focuses only on those sustances which are regulated as "pollutants" under the Clean Air Act. Last time the President checked, Carbon Dioxide isn't a pollutant. In fact, last time the President checked, every person alive in America – even you tree-hugging Californians – EXHALES Carbon Dioxide with each breath. So Carol, if you're truly concerned about getting something done about Carbon Dioxide and the myth that is the "greenhouse effect," the President encourages you to be proactive and do something about it – little killing yourself.

Mary, from Bismark, ND writes:
Why are the EPA and other government agencies currently rolling back rules and laws that protect our health and environment?

Christine Todd Whitman:
A close look at the actions of the EPA during the Bush Administration over the last two-and-a half years shows a constant expansion of our protection of the environment. I'll say it again: A close look at the actions of the EPA during the Bush Administration over the last two-and-a half years shows a constant expansion of our protection of the environment. There – see how easy that was? You say black, and I say white. And guess which one of us will be saying white on FOX News tomorrow? Next question already.

Chip, from Baton Rouge, LA writes:
What would you say is the hardest part about your job?

Christine Todd Whitman:
Oh, pretending to care, for sure. Sometimes I go to meetings, and it's nothing but poor people whining and complaining about how they gave birth to cancer-ridden octopus babies just because some benevolent chemical manufacturer was decent enough to set up shop in their neighborhood. I mean, where's the gratitude? It seems that Americans have lost the ability to appreciate their freedoms. Like the freedom to dig a hole in your yard and have it fill up with flammable phosphorescent ooze. Or the freedom to purchase attractively-packaged, premium-priced bottled water instead of drinking arsenic-rich tap water. Or best of all – the freedom to experience one of God's most wonderful and mysterious creations: Asthma.

Laura, from Crawford, TX writes:
I'm so thankful that President Bush invented Earth Day, and that he stands as such a forceful and committed advocate for the Environment. Does it hurt when liberals propagate the bald-faced lie that he is owned lock, stock, and barrel by the world's biggest polluters who just happen to also be our financial benefactors?

Christine Todd Whitman:
Well done, Moderator. Now that's an environment question!

Yes, Laura, it does hurt when the liberals lie through their cocksucking teeth like that. But I'm also thankful that President Bush invented Earth Day – a day when we celebrate things we can rape the Earth for – and stands as a forceful and committed advocate for the environment. Indeed, we have always been at war with Oceania.

Christine Todd Whitman:
I've endured this opportunity to talk about the environmental issues that some people actually care about, and I encourage everyone who didn't have their questions answered or who is interested in our initiatives to go to the EPA Web site, www.epa.gov, for more information.

Thank you, and Happy Earth Day!

- Christie

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