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In This Installment (02.20.2004):
Clarence Thomas was appointed to the Supreme Court by President George H.W. Bush on October 23, 1991. He replaced Justice Thurgood Marshall, the negro responsible for Brown v. Board of Education. Having personally endured the torture of "Affirmative Action" – which heartlessly propelled him into a prestigious law school and the Judicial Branch itself – Justice Thomas knows full well that the best way for coloreds to excel is to nod pensively while William Rehnquist and Antonin Scalia formulate their opinions for them. Justice Thomas likes canned cola, rented movies in brown paper bags, and stacked office underlings who won't give "no" for an answer. He's ready to take your questions now, so let's begin.

Beatrice Braun, from Altoona, PA writes:
Mr. Thomas – let me just say that you are my all-time favorite black Supreme Court justice! Your 13 years on the bench have been an inspiration to all real Americans like me who had almost given up on the idea that you people could just swallow your pride, get with our program, and stop making waves. Truth be told, if you could sing, I'd swear you were the reincarnation of Nat King Cole! I think many of today's colored youth would benefit greatly from hearing your story. Can you please tell us all about your personal evolution – especially any inspiring anectotes about defining moments in your journey to become the poster child for black right-wingdom?

Justice Thomas:

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Rohan Brown, from Oxford, UK writes:
I was wondering what your thoughts are on the intervention of the Supreme Court in the ballot recount in Florida in 2000. Specifically, could you please share your opinions on the legality of Governor Jeb Bush having employed aggressive tactics to disenfranchise thousands of predominantly black Florida residents from voting simply because they shared common or similar names with ex-felons?

Justice Thomas:

Claire Heflin, from Middlebury, VT writes:
I understand that back in 1993, you presided over the ceremony at Rush Limbaugh's marriage to the young girl he met in a Compuserve chat room. Is it true that at the reception, you and Justice Rehnquist performed a brilliant minstrel ventriloquism routine atop the counter of the open pharmacy kiosk?

Justice Thomas:

Mike, from Los Angeles, CA writes:
Justice Thomas--

As you know, Justice Scalia and Vice President Cheney are embroiled in a scandal involving their ill-conceived duck hunting trip while a case involving Cheney was (and is) pending before your court. My question is, does the Vice President ever invite you to accompany him on luxury vacations such as this?

Justice Thomas:
Once. To caddy.

Buck Bronson, from Lancaster, CA writes:
It has been widely reported that you are unique among all the Supreme Court justices in that you never personally partipate in oral arguments during appeals. Is this because you:

1) Are shy
2) Don't understand what is happening
3) Don't want to appear stupid
4) Are not allowed to

Justice Thomas:

John Rosencrantz, from New York, NY writes:
Currently 650 people are being held without charge in inhumane conditions in Guantanamo Bay - some for more than two years - and may face military trials before hand-picked military officers, with hand-picked "defense" counsels, and no right to appeal against a likely death sentence. Do you see any discrepancy between this and our government's professed commitment to human rights and the rule of law?

Justice Thomas:
[Clears throat.]

John Hartsfield, from Lubbock, TX writes:
Justice Thomas I see that you are married to a white woman. I assume in the past you've dated black women because of the whole Anita Hill debacle. Could you tell me if it's true what they say – that a white woman's snarly hair is really more rough on the face than a sister's snarleys?

Justice Thomas:
[Smiles widely. Big nod.]

Craig, from San Antonio, TX writes:
With America's checkered past of lynching black men like yourself just for fun, do you ever experience any pangs of doubt in your steadfast support of the death penalty, knowing that the vast majority of those executed are African American men who have had inadequate legal representation?

Justice Thomas:
[Nibbles fingernail.]

Scott Burke, from Washington, DC writes:
As a fellow Yale graduate, I'm sure we both have many fond memories of our time in beautiful New Haven. The stories I heard about you indicate that you almost got fired from your job at the Legal Clinic because you failed to show up. Is that true?

Justice Thomas:

Will Hendershot, from Frederick, MD writes:
I am writing to you to ask you why no steps are being done to stop police corruption. Mainly targeting the youth and minorites. I think it is the number one problem we have in America. A country where the flag stands for Freedom and Equality. How can you say that is what our country stands for when "we" can't walk down the street with out a Police officer wanting to search us, just because the color of our skin or our age. That doesn't sound like Freedom and Equality to me. I would like your advice on what I should do to help get this problem solved. Since you are at a high level and your voice is heard easier then mine, I would also really appreciate (and I know millions of other Americans would) it if you took it in to consideration to let your voice be heard about this problem in America. Discrimination is not JUSTICE. Thank You.

Justice Thomas:

Calvin Jeharnish, from New York, NY writes:
Dear Brother Thomas,

When Orin Hatch asked you the question, "Have you ever uttered the name, 'Long Dong Silver'?", it was my favorite moment in Senatorial history, and I am sure you are proud that is in the record. That being said, if Long Dong films aren't your favorites, can you tell us what are?

Justice Thomas:
To be honest, I always found John Holmes' performances to be uninspired. While some his earlier efforts, including Johnny Wadd ('73) and The Orgy Machine ('72) impressed me with their attention to volume discharge and imaginative contortionism, I can honestly say I had soured on his work by the time Dr. Gonad's Sex Tails entered Savannah nickle booths in the fall of 1977.

Through much of the 1980's, I focused on building a home library made up of solid installments from dependable franchises, particularly anything from the Devil in Miss Jones and Taboo series. Of course I was disappointed to see the slow but steady disappearance of the BetaMax format, whose superior resolution made for considerably more stimulating viewing. My Beta copy of I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus died a few years back, and I can't find a replacement for the life of me.

Moving on, I'd say that my favortie thing about the 90's was discovering the sub-genre of playful-yet-artistic adult reimaginings of more mainstream Hollywood fare. From On Golden Blonde to The Rodfather and Sperms of Endearment, I really couldn't get enough of the stuff. If you haven't yet dabbled, I'd recommend starting with something accessible like Titty Slickers IV, then moving on Edward Penishands, Muffy the Vampire Layer, and Saturday Night Beaver.

Of course, the rise of the DVD has changed everything. I've been particularly impressed with titles whose producers have shown a determination to really push the envelope by making full use of the new multi-angle features and widescreen aspect ratios. Moving forward, I'm relishing the potential of coupling next-generation micro-optics with cutting edge sigmoidoscope and colonoscope technologies that will really take us inside the action!

Justice Thomas:
No more questions. Goodbye.

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