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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (05.28.2003):
DR. CONDOLEEZZA RICE: UNITED STATES NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR

Dr. Condoleezza Rice: Good afternoon. I'm Condoleezza Rice. As Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs, I am responsible for maintaining the Administration's collective iron mental grasp on the current socio-political landscape of the entire planet. My trademark CliffsNotes security briefings, delivered daily in the Oval Office, play an indispensable role in helping President Bush randomly pick which defenseless Muslamian nation-anus to next bomb back into the Stone Age.

I'm pleased to take your questions today, so let's do begin.


Peg, from Newport News, VA writes:
Is President Bush (or as we like to call him around here "President Hunk") really as dreamy in real-life as he seems to be on Fox News? Please say he is! *swoon*

Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
You know, it's interesting how often I find myself fielding this question these days. Back when I first started working in the White House, all anyone wanted to know was how I could tell the difference between the President and his mother. But now, with two wars under his belt and who-knows-how-many more to come, Southern ladies such as yourself seem to find the President's humpability quotient to be directly proportional to the number of Arabiacs he orders killed. At this rate, I figure we only need to annihilate another 50,000 or so Muslims before People magazine declares him the "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!"

As for me, I don't really notice such things. Why, even when I was elbow-deep in that flight suit arranging wadded-up tube socks around the First Giblets, the President was still little more than a meal ticket for me. Besides, for me to do my job right, it's necessary to maintain the kind of mental discipline that keeps my honey pot as arid as the hardscrabble patch of fire ant-infested prairie behind the President's Crawford stables where Mrs. Bush insists I sleep whenever I visit.


Doug Rogers, from Long Eddy, NY writes:
When asked about criticism of his administration's civil rights record, President Bush pointed to having you and Colin Powell in his cabinet as proof of his commitment to equality for all races. How do you handle the pressure of being the embodiment of an entire race's aspirations for success?

Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
Well Doug, before I begin, let me just take a minute to thank you for raising this issue in the context of a thoughtful, albeit loaded question. You were the only liberal cretin who managed to inquire about this topic without referring to me as a "house negro" or "leggy Aunt Jemima tar baby pickaninny minstrel mammy."

As for your question, I don't really see myself as embodying anything. I'm just Condi: your everyday girl in a sensible pink skirt-suit who likes to play. Indeed, whether I'm playing the piano or a spirited real-world game of Risk, I'm just like any other member of the Bush team. And may I say how welcome this team has made me feel? Why, not only did I arrive on my first day to find my office thoughtfully decorated with a lovely framed gift, but I've been positively touched by the many other gestures intended to make me feel right at home - from the Friday fried chicken and watermelon buffet, all the way to the addition of my favorite song (Funkadelic's "Wars of Armageddon") to the break room karaoke machine.

In closing Doug, it's worth noting that President Bush's administration is far more racially diverse than the one that preceded it. Sure, it may be a thousand times more self-loathing as well, but that's beside the point.


Chris Wilson, from Lithia, FL writes:
What's Ari Fleischer really like?

Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
Ari is an absolute doll, and we're all going to be very sad to see him go this summer. But he's newly married you know, and the gig FOX NEWS is bound to offer him opposite George Stephanopoulos on ABC will finally pay enough to let him and Becki stock up on much nicer housewares than the Target wedding registry garbage that Karl Rove insisted on.

But you know, it's the little things about Ari that we'll miss the most: the asphyxiating cloud of Brut 33 he leaves in his wake, the blinding reflection of fluorescent lights off his oily scalp pimples, or the way he flosses his teeth at meetings with little scraps of paper torn from the corners of whatever memo we happen to be discussing. If you're watching this chat, Ari – we sure are going to miss you! You're a media-manipulating prodigy, and Scott McClellan can't hold a menorah candle to your greatness!


Pete, from Auckland, New Zealand writes:
Dear Dr Rice,
Recent news articles are claiming that the war on terrorism may never end. This is a daunting proposition. I can foresee a time when US security resources are spread so thinly across the globe that the power of the nation to resist attacks on US interests and even it's own soil will be severely compromised. How do you intend to halt the spiraling growth of hatred against the US before your enemies gain the upper hand? With all due respect, does this mean that the nations leaders will have to address such issues as blatant pompous arrogance and the 'we are better than all the rest of you dirty foreign types' message that comes through so loud and clear to the billions of us without blinkers on who live outside the US?

Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
I'm sorry Pete, but this Q&A session is for United States citizens only – most of whom, I'm happy to report, have much too solid a grasp on reality to ever ask such dumb, preposterous questions as yours.


Jonathan Iafeliece, from Stamford, CT writes:
Could you please explain the key points of the President's Road Map to Peach plan and why it's different that anything else that's been tried in the Middle East before.

Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
Truth be told, our current plan is really just Bill Clinton's plan with a few details tweaked here and there. But what makes it so different this time is the coming together and collaboration of two of the most thoughtful and peaceful men in human history: George W. Bush and Ariel Sharon. Both President Bush and Prime Minister Sharon have demonstrated time and time again that nothing will stand between them and a lasting and profitable peace – especially not any sorry mobs of easily machine-gunned stone-throwing Palestinian teens. Indeed, these like-minded warriors of compassion are determined to end the terrible violence that racks the Middle East – even if they have to slaughter every last Muslamiac cockroach to do it!


Steve Naylor, from Salmon Arm, British Columbia, CANADA writes:
Is it true you have an oil tanker named after you? If so, does that not suggest you have a pretty serious conflict of interest when it comes to "liberating" Arab countries with huge deposits of black gold?

Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
I'm sorry, but once again, we can only accept questions from United States citizens. And though for all intents and purposes, Canada is our 51st state, I'm afraid I cannot waste American taxpayer dollars by stooping to dignify accurate insinuations regarding my tenure on the Chevron Board of Directors when they're levied by some frost-bitten, probably bilingual Eskimo with nothing better to do than fixate on his superior southern neighbor. So go suck a hockey puck, Steve-o.


Paul Hoffman, from Boston, MA writes:
Dear Ms. Rice,
Isn't it true that the current administration went about planning an invasion of Iraq immediately after Bush came to power...long before September 11th...with the goal of finishing what his daddy started? Isn't this war a blatant abuse of power directed at conducting a family feud and make a couple of bucks for the guys at the country club?

Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
I'm so glad you brought up this issue, Paul. We understand that there's a common misperception out there that planning for the Iraq war began almost immediately after President Bush's inauguration. Well, of course the real truth of the matter is that the blueprint for kicking Iraqazoid towelhead ass was already 95% completed before the 2000 election had even taken place.

During the latter half of the Clinton administration, nearly the entire war council of the elder George Bush's White House was spending its weekends in Kennebunkport – playing horseshoes, speed golf, scarfing down pork rinds, and methodically plotting not only their own return to power, but also the toppling of Saddam Hussein and the seizure of his nation's riches. So I hope that clears that up.

As for all that nonsense about family feuds and country clubs, well that's just more of the same kind of liberal, trash-talking lies that suggest our Commander in Chief used to suck down more nose candy than a Studio 54 pole dancer.


Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
I regret to say that we're out of time. It's been my pleasure chatting at just seven out of the thousands who fruitlessly attempted to interact with me, and I hope and trust that you'll interpret the tossing of this vaguely interactive bone to you as bona fide evidence of the Administration's non-contempt for public opinion.

Thank you, and Good Afternoon.

- Condi

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