Whitehouse.org is the officious web site for the White House and President George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States.


In This Installment (07.16.2004):
Good afternoon. I am His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud. I serve America in the important dual role of longtime Bush family investor and official spokesman for the dictatorial Islamist monarchy that produced Osama bin Laden and fifteen of the nineteen 9/11 hijackers. As a regular overnight guest in both the White House and Bush private residences in Crawford and Kennebunkport, I take great pains to selflessly dictate the President's thinking on American policy matters large and small – and have been a particularly valuable advisor in the war against eroding petroleum profits. Today I have magnanimously consented to endure simulated questioning by infidel rabble such as yourself. Let this commence now.

Andrew Curic, from Roselle, IL writes:
Your Royal Highness, thank you for your valuable time. I recently saw the documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, which was very critical of you and the President's relationship. What do you feel is the impact of such films, particularly when they are so critical of your monarchy? Also, is it true that your nickname is "Bandar Bush"?

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
Yes, the House of Saud is aware of the slanderous trash produced by the bloated pink swinebeast known as Michael Moore. Let it be known that the contents of his film are LIES. LIES with no honor. LIES with no dignity. LIES typical of ALL that spews from your inferior, sickening anus of a nation, which drops to its LYING knees like a vile, syphilitic whore to hungrily suck the black gold from the exalted phallus of my Mighty Kingdom's–

Wait... Typist, delete that last part. Tell him that The Kingdom has every faith that our beloved American friends will see through these lies. And that as for the nickname, explain that this too is incorrect. Write that "Bandar Bush" is simply the name with which I have instructed the President to address the tiny minority of post-pubescent wives in my harem. Next question.

Jeremiah, from Pittsburgh, PA writes:
In the incredibly unlikely event that Osama bin Laden surrenders himself to Saudi authorities during the Amnesty period recently announced, will the Saudi government protect him from American prosecution?

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His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
This is an interesting question. As you know, the Al-Saud monarchy has promised amnesty to all al Qaeda jihadis who surrender themselves to us by July 23rd. To date, four have done so. Should Osama choose to do the same, the Kingdom will stand by its promise. To do otherwise would be to LIE. As such, he will NOT be beheaded, as is our way with poor and pathetic dissenters. But rest assured that this murderous outlaw from the famously wealthy and well-connected Saudi family will endure a punishment befitting his vile deeds – up to and including perhaps even having to PROMISE to be GOOD for a VERY LONG TIME! Next question.

Velma, from Austin, TX writes:
I'm interested in knowing how you live with the hypocrisy of having women working at your embassy in the United States when you don't allow women to work back home in Saudi Arabia? You do realize you're a sexist pig flake, right? When precisely will your country be joining the rest of us in this millennium?

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
We do not allow "women" to work in our embassy. We exploit common American whores to do our bidding.

Typist, you will henceforth disregard all inquiries from females. I will not dignify the hysterical rantings of menstruating infidels, cowering in their filthy Christian hovels and daring to express worthless sentiments by tap-tap-tapping their cheap painted claws on plastic keys like an organ grinder's vermin-infested primate. Next question.

Jeffrey, from Los Angeles, CA writes:
I realize that you and our president have two very different religions, Islam and Christianity, but yet you guys get along beautifully. How do you do it? To me you guys are a symbol of religious tolerance and I think all peoples everywhere should learn from that message.

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
You are mistaken. President Bush and I practice the SAME religion: Capitalism. When together, we make hourly pilgrimages to the Sacred Chamber of Profits carved deep within the bedrock beneath each Bush home, and hold hands while bowing and chanting eternal allegiance to the gilded oil derrick of personal enrichment. As for our faiths, those are but laughably crude charades we employ to mollify our millions of ignorant and comically superstitious subjects. Well that, and we both secretly hate the Jews.

Tuktoyuktuk, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada writes:
Why don't YOU give the Palestinians a homeland; as your country has great wealth and lots of vacant real estate?

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
That is an imminently logical suggestion which belies a profound and admirable humanity on your part. Unfortunately, it does not take into consideration the fact that the Palestinians are the Irish of the Middle East. In general, we Arabs look upon Palestinians as the stupid, ugly, and unruly cousins to whom we are embarrassed to be related. Did you know that most of the Polak jokes that you Westerners tell originated in the Middle East first – as Palestinian jokes? It's true! Did you hear the one about the Palestinian suicide bomber? He ran 27 successful missions! [Laughter.]

Anyway, yes, the Palestaks (as we call them) are OURS to ridicule and oppress. When Westerners and Jews do it, we embrace them like a sweet, retarded puppy dogs. This is the way of things. Besides, the property values of our vast, uninhabitable tracts of desert are low enough as it is. Just imagine what they'd be if they were overrun with Palestinian trash!

Greg, from Houston, TX writes:
Dear Prince,
Your ties to the Bush family have been widely reported and are a matter of common knowledge. My question to you is: should Senator John Kerry win the next presidential election, how do you plan to retain your influence with the White House and continue to play such an important role in the Administration's foreign and energy policies?

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
Perhaps now is a good time to address the rampant and preposterous speculation that the kingdom of Saudi Arabia feels any partiality towards America's Republican party. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia wishes the very best to ALL American politicians, and we look forward to continuing fruitful and positive relations with the United States Government. How could it be every otherwise? After all, we are the ones who have all the oil, and you are the ones who burn up all the oil. Without you, we'd be nothing but a bunch of piss-poor religious loonies incapable of doing anything but drilling holes in the ground. And without us, you'd be a nation of wild-eyed petroleum junkies flopping around in withdrawal seizures. Such is our shared influence, and why it will never go away so long as every last Suzy Homemaker in the USA thinks she's safer and stronger chauffeuring her snot-nosed rugrats in a 3-ton Hummer. Next question.

Marty, from Chicago, IL writes:
Is it true that the President called you to let you know that the US was going to attack Iraq before he actually told the US Congress? Just wondering.

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
Yes, this is true. But why this is of any interest to lesser persons such as yourself is beyond my comprehension. Son of Bush and the Saudi leadership are good friends! We speak often of many matters private, public, and even sometimes secret. He may call us in the morning to tell us how his jogger's knee is healing up, and we might call back in the evening to tell him how the Election Day crude price is coming down. Another day he may tell us he has decided to invade Iraq. And one day before that, we may tell him we have decided he's allowed to invade Iraq. So you see, it's all very friendly, normal, and non-conspiratorial in nature. You would do well to accept this explanation.

Tony, from Cambridge, MA writes:
If Senator Orrin Hatch succeeds in his effort to pass a Constitional Amendment allowing foreign-born individuals the right to run for President of this here United States, would you consider?

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
[Laughter.] Yes, I have heard of this. It is my understanding that the great Utah Mormon you speak of attempts this on behalf of the famous new Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Senator Hatch feels him to perhaps represent the future of his political party, but laments his preclusion from attaining the highest office your country's flawed form of government offers. As an aside, I speak for all Middle Easterners when I say we would feel a bit more comfortable with an American President who's an Austrian-born son of a Nazi commandant over any Jewish halfbreed named Kerry. But as for me personally, no, I have no designs on the Presidency of America – if for no other reason than I would never stoop to live in that tiny white shithole of a house that your countrymen seem so impressed by. Besides, why bother living there when I'm already renting out the dump?

His Royal Highness Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud:
Now is the time for Prince Bandar to discontinue this foolishness. Take me to my Rolls.

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