In This Installment (02.10.2006):
ANN COULTER: PUBLIC REEDUCATION SPECIAL OPERATIVE
Prominent opinion-haver Ann Coulter first rose to red state stardom in the 1990s for her vivid,
round-the-clock commentary on the #1 issue of concern to militantly heterosexual males: Bill
Clinton's crooked penis. The apparently legitimate daughter of a renowned union-busting attorney and his stay-at-home
Connecticut trophy vagina, Coulter works tirelessly to restore decorum and civility to cable news
political discourse, and to promote understanding and unity amongst people of widely diverse strains
of whiteness and right-wing demagoguery. While not technically a member of the Bush Administration,
Miss Coulter nevertheless operates in near-supernatural synergy with the White House Communications
Office. Special Operative Coulter is pleased to take your questions today – right here on
ASK THE WHITE HOUSE.
Lauren, from Cocoa, FL writes:
What are your duties in the White House? What do you do there on a regular basis? Like all day long?
Didn't you read the intro paragraph? Was that too hard for you? You sound like a typical by-product of
clueless liberal, mixed-race public education. What, didn't your eyes develop fully while you were floating
around in the amniotic malt liquor of your grotesquely obese welfare mother's cesspool of a womb?
Then I'll spell it out for you: I'm NOT on any measly mid-six-figure White House payroll,
so I don't have any duties – at least not on the record, anyway.
Sure, I get Karl's daily talking points e-mail memo, but I'm Special Ops. "Dark" Ops. My mission is
simple: say whatever's needed to help take care of the liberal problem
by selling the hell out of a series of hate screed books that are completely indistinguishable except for how
much of my man-eating lady hole I *almost* show on the cover. Next!
Richard Cunningham, from Arlington, TX writes:
Ann – I think the way you show those libs on Hannity and Colmes who's boss is awesome! Please
tell me, is there a Mr. Coulter, or are you just D.C.'s hottest and most eligible bachelorette?
Thank you, Richard. I'm glad you're enjoying my regular stand-up routine on Hannity and Colmes.
Did you catch me in my leather micro-mini on Tuesday? If you have high-def you may have noticed
I recently went with a Brazilian wax. I thought it best not to leave DNA evidence stuck between Sean's teeth.
Don't miss tonight's show. Sean is going to have me debate a 19 year-old high school dropout from a trailer park
who just lost all his arms and legs in Iraq. Seems the little quadriplegic sissy now thinks he has
the right to ask treasonous questions about an alleged lack of something called "weapons of mass destruction."
Be sure to watch carefully every time he tries to talk – because
that's when I'll be crimping his pansy little breathing tube below the desk between my colt-like gams!
As for your other question, no, I'm still looking for a Mr. Right-Wing. Fortunately, my 100%
platonic friend Matt Drudge, who knows more unmarried 40-something
men than Liza Minnelli, is always eager to introduce me to the many nice boys at who attend his
weekly social club meetings
– and some of them even have smaller Adam's apples than I do! Next.
Gavin, from St. Louis, Missouri writes:
I'd like to take you up on your offer to poison a Supreme Court Justice. However, what
poison and tactic do you best recommend?
LOL! Very funny, Gavin. You're of course referring to my recent hilarious crack
that we need someone to poison John Paul Stevens. What most of the liberal media jerkoffs failed to report however
is that I immediately added, "THAT'S JUST A JOKE!!" – which everyone knows makes saying anything instantly OK. What's the
big deal? I do it all the time. Why just last week, I was waiting in line at the airport and said, "We need
somebody to light the fuse of this 11" vibrating dildo-bomb I have jimmied up my cavernous man-hole." But
then I said, "That's just a joke, for you in the TSA jackets!" So everything was fine.
Anyway, to answer your questions: Anthrax. (THAT'S JUST A JOKE!) Slip it through the mail slot in his front door.
(THAT'S JUST A JOKE!) His address is 295 Auburn Lane in Arlington. (THAT'S JUST A JOKE! He actually lives in Georgetown.)
If he lives, tackle him while he's walking to his maroon 2002 Lincoln Towncar in the morning, then jump up
and down on his wrinkled, liberal skull until it collapses like an overripe melon. (THAT'S JUST A JOKE!)
Thanks for your question, Gavin! And good luck with that joke. Next!
Jason, from Princeton writes:
Do you think that you would hold the same political opinions if you were born African-American?
Of course I would! What a ridiculous question – the cheap liberal insinuation of which couldn't be any
more obvious! You're trying to say that flirting with fascism and being an ignorant Negro are
somehow mutually exclusive. Well I've got news for you, Mr. Princeton: unlike liberals, who merely buy
black affections by handing out cheap baubles like clean water fountains and civil rights, we conservatives
are on the record as really, truly, actually believing that those people have the ability to effortlessly
overcome centuries of institutionalized racism (which everyone knows doesn't even really exist anymore).
So YES, I would absolutely still be the same
exact fire-breathing McCarthybot you know and love – even if I had been born a blubber-lipped food stamp
junkie. Well, unless I had drowned in New Orleans, of course. And if you don't believe
me, then come on down to the weekly Federalist Society basement mixer on 18th Street, and catch Trent Lott and me
in our rousing, all-original blackface musical, "Lawdy, Lawdy Chile – Loooves Me Some Fried Chicken and
Janet Beatrice, from Kissimmee, FL writes:
How do you stay so thin, Ann? I can't even eat a bran muffin without gaining 5 pounds!
A bran muffin? Nice tree-hugger cuisine, hippy. I'm guessing the reason you're so fat is
you can't even exercise without your legs getting tangled up on their own foot-long Chewbacca hair. How do I
stay thin? I eat eggs, steak, and bourbon – and every morning I work a goddamned stairmaster fast and
furious enough to power the entire city of Los Angeles. Well, that, and running to the bathroom after every bite
to furiously jab a blood-red press-on nail into my uvula and powder my nose with booger sugar. (THAT'S JUST
A JOKE!) Anyway, give it a try. Next!
Josh Klindienst, from Westhampton Beach, NY writes:
I haven't heard much about Bill Clinton (other than that he published a book and has a wife who's a senator)
since he left office. Has he done anything impeachable lately?
You actually expect me to believe that someone from Westhampton Beach doesn't know what the former
Commander in Sleaze has been up to? It's not as if he's not out in your limousine liberal playground all
summer long, jacuzzi-hopping from one free-love fundraiser to another between stops at Steven Speilbergstein's
home abortion clinic. As for "impeachable," I personally would impeach anyone who voluntarily spends time
in Harlem, but that's just me.
Anyway, Americans repudiated Bill Clinton in the last two elections. This is now a conservative,
wholesome-minded nation that just doesn't care about that sex pervert. Doesn't care to spend hour after
hour painting vivid mental tableaus of his heaving trouser kielbasa of pleasure. Doesn't care to think
about how it hooks ever-so-gently to the left, quivering, its bulbous cavernosal artery meandering northward
like a twisted and swollen jungle river, inviting wicked, wanton delight. Doesn't care to close its eyes and conjure high-resolution macro
photographs of the velvety ridge of his penile corona, tapering gently to the dull, bifurcated tip from
whence untold gallons of pinko liquid DNA have gushed into the filthy mouths of fat, ugly Jewish girls.
No, America has had quite enough of that – at least until his twat-chomping bull dyke of a "wife"
kicks off her 2008 presidential campaign.
Curtis, from Algonquin, IL writes:
As a successful and powerful spinster who has chosen career over family, aren't you afraid your anti-feminist
rhetoric is going to set back other women who wish to do the same?
You see, Curtis, I'm not just some "spinster." I'm a "Republican spinster." Note how the "Republican" part comes
first. That means I look out for number one. Period. (Not that I have those any more!) And yes, I am perfectly aware of the grotesque irony that if
it weren't for all those ugly feminists whom I so ferociously savage in my books, the only thing I'd be writing is
grocery lists and minutes to PTA meetings. But hey - life is tough, and everyone needs a niche. In my case, that just
happens to be a trademark brand of intellectual prostitution that degrades my entire gender. But listen,
if you really need to find a silver lining in all this, just take some microscopic
comfort in the knowledge that I'm raking in millions selling books to the very same fat white misogynists
who would just as soon gang-rape me on a pool table in the back of some scummy bar. Even Phil Donahue could
appreciate that, right?
And I’m only an anti-feminist because lesbians seem to really hate me. And by "hate me," I mean "would do ANYTHING
to grudge-fuck me."
Tias, from Copenhagen, Denmark (that's in Europe) writes:
Does it not concern you that statements made by yourself and other right-wing supporters of the Bush
administration, while accepted by some of the more rabid Americans, are viewed with extreme distaste in
nearly all of the English-reading world?
Denmark, eh? Viewed by distaste in the rest of the world, eh? Look, while I personally can't get enough of those
cartoons of Moohammed rocking a suicide vest while fist-fucking toddlers,
isn't there some expression about "Nordic albinos who live in crumbling, soon-to-be-car-bombed glass welfare state
houses shouldn't throw stones?" Yeah, I thought so.
PS - About those butter cookies you fruits are so proud of? They all taste exactly the same: BLAND AND BORING.
Just like you.
J. Klein, from Richmond, VA writes:
I know you strongly support the President's "abstinence-only" premarital sex policy. Since you yourself
have never been married, does that mean you have been abstinent all your life?
I love it when liberals think they’re being clever. Really I do. Klein, huh? I take back everything bad I
ever said about the Holocaust. (NOT JOKING!)
Aloysius Lee, from Portland, OR writes:
When can we expect to see you in an all-out wrestling match with the Great Randi Rhodes?
I'm assuming by "great," you mean "rhinoceros hips." As for wrestling, no, I don't think so. I like a
challenge, and I'd have that beast grunting for mercy and hocking up Marlboro oysters within 30 seconds.
So thanks, but I'll have to pass. Now if it were a fit liberal lassie
like Katie Couric, then I'd be game. Why, just the thought of wrapping my ripped 24" thighs around
that bitch's perky little neck really gets my lady business squirting in four different directions. Please let
me know if you can set that up. Next!
Jasonov Marlinsky, from Jacksonville, FL writes:
What is your opinion on where US foreign policy should go in places like North Korea and Iran? Isn't
it time we invade?
What? You want us to waste all our wars at once? Never go to Vegas, dimwit. You've got to wait until
your poll numbers drop into single digits before you waste a bunch of time making up reasons to bomb some
foreign housewives while they are out grocery shopping.
Fortunately, at this rate, that may very well be before the mid-term elections. So LOCK AND LOAD, RUMMY!
Bill Maher, from Los Angeles, CA writes:
Ann, sweetcheeks – call me back, OK? Why is it we only hook up when you’re in LA, lonely,
and zonked on Dexatrim? Anyway, I'm having a little bipartisan snugglefest tonight on my vibrating waterbed to
break in my new hookah. Would love to have you. Can you hop the next red-eye to "La"?
Bill, take it easy, please. This whole "friends" thing was hatched for book cross-marketing purposes,
remember? Yes, I was a deadhead for many years, and yes, my 35-foot Eddie Bauer edition Airsteam was party
central in concert parking lots from coast to coast. But come on. Weed? Everyone knows I was always an
Alright, that's enough. I have a speaking date with some college Young Republicans who actually pay me $30/word
to spout this crap. Bye!
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