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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (02.28.2005):
ALBERTO GONZALES: U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL
On February 3, 2005, the U.S. Senate confirmed Alberto R. Gonzales by a vote of 60-36 to succeed John Ashcroft and become America's first Hispano-Rican Attorney General. A Texas native, Mr. Gonzales has been a loyal servant of George W. Bush since 1994, when he first joined then-Governor Bush's administration as a senior advisor. A prodigious ladder climber, Gonzales soon secured the position of Texas Secretary of State, followed by a three year stint on the Texas Supreme Court. As Chief Counsel to the President from 2001 - 2005, Mr. Gonzales fought tirelessly alongside his Vice Presidential counterpart, David S. Addington, to remedy America's perilously "quaint" aversion to torture. Attorney General Gonzales is pleased to take your questions today, right here on "ASK THE WHITE HOUSE."


Miguel Astello, from Dallas, TX writes:
Hola Mr. Gonzalas! You are my hero! Like you, I am a proud Hispano American! However I am afraid I have not had as much luck at the American dream. I recently obtained my official green card and am working very hard at 3 jobs. But still I am unable to move my wife and 4 children out of our poverty strickened ghetto. So my question is sir, How did you do it!?

Alberto Gonzales:
"Hola" indeed, "Senor" Astello. The short answer to your question is – I was born in America. San Antonio, "Tejas" to be precise, and America is a country where anything is possible so long as you just believe.

The long answer is that I compromised my socio-economic upbringing and bet my fortunes (and believe me, there is A LOT of fortune involved) on a political party dominated by the decendents of slaveholders, who have recently kicked off a craven campaign to court "Hispanirinos." Because at the end of the day, I like to think of myself as just another deeply tanned gringo, and so I behave accordingly, chasing after rich and powerful rancheros as only a Harvard-educated sellout can. Comprende, amigo?
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All that said – I insist you hold your criticisms. My character, motives, and actions are nigh unassailable, because I am conveniently Hispanic whenever it suits the Administration. So just go ahead and try to denigrate me – you racist pendejo!


Phyllis Stein, from Maplewood, NJ writes:
Of all the methods of interrogating detainees available to the U.S. government, do you have a personal favorite?

Alberto Gonzales:
As former legal counsel to President Bush, it was my job to formulate ethical and legal paradigms which would excuse morally suspect activities – even retroactively. As such, it was and is my feeling that "aggressive conversations" with "terrorist murderers" are a legally viable course of action – even if the occasional Puerto Rican gets accidentally waterboarded to death.

As a devout Texas Christian, I believe in the word of Jésus. And I'm pretty sure, if you had an army of Heritage Foundation lawyers vet the New Testament, you'd find the passage where it says "The ends justify the means – especially when some dirty sand monkey terrorist gets jumper cables clamped on his Allah-loving little chorizo!"


George B., from Kennebunkport, ME writes:
Berto-
Bar is hosting a cocktail breakfast Tuesday morning, so we're going to need the bathrooms cleaned earlier than usual. Can you be there by 5:00 AM? (And leave the tequila at home this time!)

- H.W.

Alberto Gonzales:
Si, jefe.


Jeff Gately, from Birmingham, AL writes:
Prior to 9/11, your predecessor John Ashcroft was quite open about his desire to execute a massive crackdown on indecency – particularly internet pornography. Now that the War on Terror is almost four years old, can we expect you to finally follow through on this Godly initiative?

Alberto Gonzales:
Yes, it is my intention to hunt down the smut merchants wherever they hide: magazines, movies, the internets, everywhere. And when we find them, we will arrest them. And then they will tell us everything they have done, or I personally will dissuade them of their obstinance using completely humane methods – such as administering ten gallon colonics of habañero puree.


J. Harspan, from San Francisco, CA writes:
Do you have any advice for single unemployed mothers dealing with out of control teenagers? I desperately need a way to "lay down the law" and make them respect my authority. How do I be a "tough cop"?

Alberto Gonzales:
My first piece of advice to you is to stop being a lazy, good-for-nothing chica. Get out of your hammock and apply for a real job picking fruit or getting locked inside Wal-Mart overnight. Then before you know it, you'll be making over $14,000 a year and can finally start paying taxes! And then you can worry about your teens.

Here's a brief lesson in tough love. Simply use piano wire to tie each teen's wrists and ankles to a mildly electrified chair. Next, take an avocado. Wrap the avocado in banana skins. (This will prevent bruising.) Next, put them both in a sheer elastic stocking and use the makeshift blackjack to beat the teen into quiet subservience. Afterwards, kiss and stroke and cry with your teen. Repeat as desired.


Felipe Gomez, from New York, NY writes:
What should we do about all these goddamn Mexicans who cross our border illegally? They take our jobs and many of them give birth to Mexican children here. This amounts to even more Mexicans. What will you do to stop this Mexican proliferation from eroding our American system?

Alberto Gonzales:
I couldn't agree with you more, "compadre." Personally, I hate Mezzicans. My only regret is that my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother had to go and pick a genetically weak Spaniard to be raped by. Otherwise I might have turned out a little more vanilla.

But trust me, sir, any overtures this Administration makes to immigrants and Hispanic-Americans are simply cosmetic politics. While we value Mexicans – specifically their preternatural hedge-grooming, Chinese food-cooking, and tequila-drinking skills – we are simply interested in creating a new, obedient voter base/slave labor class.

But while we're on the subject, allow me to challenge your worldview: Mexicans are a great resource – they can sleep fifteen to a one room apartment, eat nothing but inexpensive corn shingles and desert strawberries, and sweep corporate floors with a smile for less than 20% of the Federal minimum wage!


PC Higgins, from Moulton, TX writes:
I understand you had brought along your wife and young children to your confirmation hearings. What was it like for all of you to be together for this historic event?

Alberto Gonzales:
I wanted my lovely, quiet wife and my children to witness a truly historic event in the history of racial relations in this county. Much like Secretary of State Condi Rice, I wanted them to understand that in the 21st Century, any citizen, be he or she black, brown, yellow, or white (but not yet red), can be a power-lusting, self-loathing, right-wing sycophant.


R. A. Kett, from Ann Arbor, MI writes:
Does it bother you that only six of the forty-four Democrats voted for your approval? I mean, that's the least support from a minority party in ages.

Alberto Gonzales:
The key word in your question is "minority." So who gives a shit, puta?


David Nagler, from Concord, MA writes:
Two questions: What was the very first official order you gave at the Department of Jusice? And also, do you have any plans to undrape lady justice's boobs?

Alberto Gonzales:
My first unofficial order was to pour over the Patriot Act and make damn sure that all the loopholes in the Bill Of Rights we found are ironclad. And no, Lady Justice will remain blind and virtuous. In fact, I intend to render her deaf and mute, too!

So yes, I intend to continue all policy initiatives of the prior four years, and would never presume to question the eternal wisdom of Supreme Court Justice Ashcro-- Ummmmmmm. Well, that's all the time we have today!

Adios, muchachos!

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