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THE WHITE HOUSE
In This Installment (04.18.2003):
ANDREW CARD: WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF

Secretary Card: Good evening, I'm Secretary Card – Chief of Staff to President George W. Bush, and a grown man who still prefers being called "Andy" – bizarrely infantilizing though that may be. I welcome you to the inaugural "Ask the White House" online "discussion." The Internet is an important communications medium, and we in the Bush Administration are proud to have aggressively exploited its strengths as a media-bypassing, taxpayer-financed propaganda conduit. We have witnessed, especially during Operation Iraqazoid Oil Freedom, a substantial increase in the amount of traffic to WHITEHOUSE.ORG as more and more people – worldwide – seek out fair and balanced information to understand the true character and motivations of today's White House.

We see the "Ask the White House" series as another way for our non-millionaire and non-white citizens to be re-educated into buying the line that we're not altogether apathetic to their utterly worthless concerns and opinions. I look forward to hearing "your" thoughts and answering "your" questions during tonight's event.

With that, I'm happy to begin. We'll be taking seven questions tonight..


Karen, from Dallas TX writes:
I'm a genuine private citizen who is currently in no way affiliated with the White House, and I have a two-part question: First, is working for the most perfect President in the entire history of America still as orgasmically fantastic as I've heard, but certainly don't know for myself? And secondly, do you personally enjoy your job even more now that a certain sexy amazon confidante has left, but nevertheless remains far more influential and intelligent than you'll ever be?

Secretary Card:
In response to the first part of your question, yes, it really is wonderful working for the most perfect President ever. As for the second part, I'm afraid I'm not entirely certain to whom you're referring, Karen, but I can tell you that for the past year, denizens of the West Wing are breathing easier now that a certain alleged female's bunion-warped Sasquatch feet are unfurling their fetid olfactory sail in Dallas instead of under the cabinet room table.


Gregg, from Chattanooga TN writes:
Please step us through how you learned about the second plane hitting the World Trade Center on 9/11, your informing the President of this, and the seconds and minutes immediately following. Thanks.

Secretary Card:
Oh thank goodness – a September 11th question! Did you know that despite all we do in the Bush Administration to keep the horror of that day omnipresent in the national consciousness, that some America-detesting cretins actually allow themselves to go for upwards of three minutes at a time without dwelling in pants-soaking terror on the Saddam-masterminded specifics of that day? It boggles the mind, but it's true.

But back to your patriotic inquiry. As you know, I was with the President in Sarasota, FL on 9/11. Just as the President was entering a room of carefully selected colored elementary students, we were informed about a single plane hitting one of the World Trade Center Towers. The President and I thought it was a horrible accident – an Air Force pilot buzzing the city like an Italian ski slope or something. Once the President was in with the students, I received a call from the Situation Room that another plane had hit the second tower. I gathered my thoughts, deciding that the President should know, and walked into the room and whispered in his ear, "Jackpot! Kiss your economy worries goodbye!" I then stepped back so as not to interrupt the photo-op. Then, as thousands of people were dying in New York and Washington, the President demonstrated a true CEO's grasp for correct prioritization by remaining glued to his seat for 20 minutes and listening to a riveting story about a little girl's pet billy goat. It was an unbelievable day.


Sue-Beth, from Charleston SC writes:
Is there any indication that you would reconsider raising the terror alert to high, or possibly even severe?

Secretary Card:
Absolutely. The Homeland Security national alert levels are based on political threats and intelligence surrounding those threats. Look for routine, paranoia-inducing escalations of the terror alert level over the next 19 months whenever the President's approval rating erodes by 5% or more.


Janeane, from Hollywood CA writes:
Does the President and his administration believe that it is possible for an anti-war protestor to still support our troops in Iraq? In other words, can someone who is against the war still be for our troops?

Secretary Card:
The great strength of our Nation is in the diversity of its people, faith and thought. The heroes fighting for us are protecting our Constitutional rights. Protest, along with abortion, remains a right in this country until we get a chance to do something about it. The President (and all who serve in government) took an oath to support and defend the Constitution!

Now I know you're thinking, "this pudgy dough-boy bastard is just dodging my question with feel-good rhetorical bullshit." And on that point, you're 100% correct. You see, by evading your whiny, liberal, and insecurity-fueled inquiry, the unspoken thrust of my response is, "Blow me. We could care less whether or not anti-war protesters "support" our troops. We say we "support" them, and we just killed 100 of them supposedly going after weapons we already knew weren't there. Despite what we say, the reason we hate anti-war protesters has nothing to do this patriotic rah-rah crapola, it's because your stupid aversion to murdering innocent Muslamian civilians potentially stands in the way of our profiting from lucrative oil and rebuilding contracts in Iraq. Period. In a perfect world, anti-war protesters would be exterminated like vermin. Of course, we can't do that ourselves, which is why we depend on America's talk radio right-wing superstars to stir up the most ignorant among us into just the kind of murderous rage of fascist intimidation that crushes dissent faster than Robert Byrd can tie a lynch knot.


Barbara, from Kennebunkport ME writes:
I understand that public tours of the White House have been suspended for security reasons during the war against Islam, but isn't it also true that invitations to the President's extended family have been curtailed for other reasons, like that the First Lady is embarrassed by the fact that she's too busy drinking herself into regurgitative seizures to bother vacuuming the family quarters so it's presentable enough for her superior, pearl-wearing predecessor to come calling?

Secretary Card:
Ma'am, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but please. I told you I'd only be occupied with this faux chat for 15 minutes or so, and then will be pleased return to enduring your non-stop stream of abusive calls to the red phone. Thank you.


Ann, from Darien CT writes:
Is the White House pleased with the inarguably fantastic performance of the Department of Faith? Has the incremental abolishment of the separation of church and state met White House expectations thus far? Can you tell us about future plans for the Department of Faith, including the President's righteous strategy for making Jesus the official Lord and Savior of every person on earth?

Secretary Card:
Pastor Deacon Fred who runs the Department of Faith, along with Mrs. Betty Bowers, does a great job. The Executive Branch, thanks to the President's intimate involvement with the Presidential Prayer Team, has increased the foothold of Fundamentalist Christianity deep inside the highest corridors of American power. Today, just over half-way through the President's first term, we've already passed The Salvation Security Act, granted an emergency Green Card to Jesus, and finally come up with a use for those pesky, big-nosed, hell-bound Jews.

Going forward, look for aggressive expansion of the Department of Faith's operations into the Middle East, where the President is confident that sand negroes of every flavor can live in harmony so long as they are sufficiently frightened of Jesus' bloodthirsty wrath.


Dick, from Houston TX writes:
Now that America has so triumphantly kicked such major raghead ass, and given them the pleasure of enjoying the freedom of martial law, what would you say are the biggest challenges ahead for the White House?

Secretary Card:
Without a doubt, the biggest challenge lies in managing to both simultaneously slash taxes for billionaires while spending more and faster than a coked-up Democrat in a deviant sex toy boutique. It's a tricky balance, to be sure, but by continuing to pound the drums of homeland security paranoia, the President is confident that we can secure another term in office.


Secretary Card:
Thank you for your questions tonight. Although we only skimmed the surface of the many questions you submitted, we appreciate your perceiving your involvement in our first simulated online discussion here at the White House web site. Please continue to log on to and visit WHITEHOUSE.ORG – it's a great resource.

All the best to all of you,

Andy Card

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