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THE WHITE HOUSE
IMPORTANT LEGAL NOTICE: Mrs. Cheney's husband wishes you to be aware (SEE LETTER) that some/all of the biographic information contained on this PARODY page about Mrs. Cheney may not actually be true. Indeed, it may all be lies propagated by the many people whom she rubbed the wrong way during her long and still-unfolding life as a controversial public figure. You know how political vipers gossip! Besides, how on earth is one to know whether an interesting tidbit arises from fact or from the seamy whispers of mendacious Chatty Cathys? That said, the editors of WHITEHOUSE.ORG are confident that any rumors about Mrs. Cheney formerly being a crystal meth pusher are 100% likely to be absolutely untrue. Similarly, any stories about her penchant for licking Brandy Alexanders off the hirsute belly of her spouse are all lies, lies, lies!
MRS. DICK CHENEY ("Lynne")

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Mrs. Dick Cheney was born Lynne Ann Vincent on August 14, 1941 in Casper, Wyoming. The daughter of a ruggedly masculine sheriff and her demurely erudite husband, Lynne took an early and girlishly appropriate interest in those aspects of American art and culture which are so comfortably reminiscent of 18th century thought and tradition. A voracious reader of books, the young future Mrs. Dick Cheney took a special liking to the tragically romantic works of the Frenchman Victor Hugo, most notably his seminal novel "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," from whose dog-eared pages she would later would take her inspiration when selecting a mate.

After earning her Bachelor of Arts degree in English Literature from Colorado College, the not-yet-Mrs. Dick Cheney found herself still without a bread-winning spouse. Wisely hedging her bets, she took refuge in post-graduate education, earning both a Masters Degree and Ph.D. in the profoundly non-practical, yet supremely lady-like academic province of poetry studies.

Fortunately for Pre-Mrs. Dick Cheney, a life of scholarly spinsterism was narrowly averted, when one fine July evening in 1964, she would cross paths with Yale dropout Mr. Dick Cheney, an old high school acquaintance with whom she had shared several evenings of spirited fellowship in the back of his father's Rambler. The two would dine together the next evening at a romantic restaurant popular for its waitstaff on rollerskates, then venture out for a night of doing The Twist between sloe gin fizzes. Two weeks later, they were married in an intimate, drive-thru ceremony at a Las Vegas motor chapel.

Mrs. Dick Cheney would go on to disgorge two daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, one who would fulfill her Godly obligation to couple with men and produce grandchildren in a naturally biological fashion. The other of whom is still invited to Thanksgiving – hopefully always alone.

In the years that have passed, Mrs. Dick Cheney has evolved into a prolific and prominent author. Her works include "Telling the Truth" (Simon & Shuster, 1995), a book exposing the disgusting practice of universities not telling the warm, wonderful story of America's noble ascension to jealously-regarded perfection, "Kings of the Hill" (Second Edition, 1996), a dishy, insider's take on Newt Gingrich's seemingly preordained rise to rule with an iron toupee, and "Sisters" (Signet, 1981), a Western romance novel celebrated at womyn-only folk festivals for its graphic depictions of brothel activity, Sapphic coitus, and powerful statement on the putrescence of masculine anatomy relative its vegetable garden competition.

In 1986, then-President and future Washington DC airport namesake Ronald Wilson Reagan appointed the eminently qualified Mrs. Dick Cheney to become Chairman of the National Endowment for the Humanities. During her seven year tenure at the agency, Mrs. Dick Cheney would make tremendous strides in making art safe for Pat Buchanan. After the election of the Arkansas hillbilly William Jefferson Clinton in 1993, Cheney would resign from the NEH, declaring, "I am now eligible for a generous pension."

Today, Mrs. Dick Cheney is a Senior Fellow at the American Enterprise Institute (AEI), a non-partisan think tank devoted to improving the plight of average Christian white Americans everywhere. In addition, she serves as director of the Readers Digest Association, where she has been a forceful advocate for the commercial distribution of "Life in These United States" hardcover compilations.

Americans can be proud to have a Second Lady like Mrs. Dick Cheney, even if her vocal political activism does invoke the specter of Hillary Rodham Clinton - the grotesquely learned and opinionated former First Lady whose sickening example has corrupted untold millions of little girls into walking away from their God-intended lives of bare-footed pregnancy to become uppity feminazis.

For the duration of the Bush Administration, Mrs. Dick Cheney will studiously endeavor to never take the limelight away from her more taciturn superior, Mrs. George W. Bush. Together, and under the stern management of Mrs. George H.W. Bush, these paragons of conjugal subservience will tackle a host of important issues, including but not limited to the promotion of juvenile literacy, fighting to halt the proliferation of offensively bourgeois china patterns, and preventing the shame and heartbreak that comes from planting colorful perennials not suited to one's climate zone.

Mrs. Dick Cheney's star sign is Leo. She likes movies, Infusium 23 shampoo, postmodernist interpretive dance, and playing second fiddle.


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