,
an old high school acquaintance with whom she had shared several evenings of spirited fellowship
in the back of his father's Rambler. The two would dine together the next evening at a romantic restaurant
popular for its waitstaff on rollerskates, then venture out for a night of doing The Twist between sloe gin fizzes.
Two weeks later, they were married in an intimate, drive-thru ceremony at a Las Vegas motor chapel.
Mrs. Dick Cheney would go on to
disgorge two daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, one who would fulfill her Godly obligation to
couple with men and produce grandchildren in a naturally biological fashion. The other of whom is still invited to
Thanksgiving – hopefully always alone.
In the years that have passed, Mrs. Dick Cheney has evolved into a prolific and prominent author. Her works include
"Telling the Truth" (Simon & Shuster, 1995), a book exposing the disgusting practice of universities not telling the
warm, wonderful story of America's noble ascension to jealously-regarded perfection, "Kings of the Hill" (Second Edition, 1996),
a dishy, insider's take on Newt Gingrich's seemingly preordained rise to rule with an iron toupee, and
"Sisters" (Signet, 1981), a Western romance novel celebrated at
womyn-only folk festivals for its graphic depictions of brothel activity, Sapphic coitus, and powerful statement
on the putrescence of masculine anatomy relative its vegetable garden competition.
In 1986, then-President and future Washington DC airport namesake Ronald Wilson Reagan appointed the eminently
qualified Mrs. Dick Cheney to become Chairman of the National Endowment for the Humanities. During her
seven year tenure at the agency, Mrs. Dick Cheney would make tremendous strides in
making art safe for Pat Buchanan. After the election of the Arkansas hillbilly William Jefferson Clinton
in 1993, Cheney would resign from the NEH, declaring, "I am now eligible for a generous pension."
Today, Mrs. Dick Cheney is a Senior Fellow at the
American Enterprise Institute (AEI), a non-partisan think tank devoted to improving the plight of
average Christian white Americans everywhere. In addition, she serves as director of the Readers Digest
Association, where she has been a forceful advocate for the commercial distribution of "Life in These
United States" hardcover compilations.
Americans can be proud to have a Second Lady like Mrs. Dick Cheney, even if her vocal political
activism does invoke the specter of Hillary Rodham Clinton - the grotesquely learned and
opinionated former First Lady whose sickening example has corrupted untold millions of little girls into walking away
from their God-intended lives of bare-footed pregnancy to become uppity feminazis.
For the duration of the Bush Administration, Mrs. Dick Cheney will studiously endeavor to never take the limelight away
from her more taciturn superior, Mrs.
George W. Bush. Together, and under the stern management of Mrs. George H.W. Bush, these
paragons of conjugal subservience will tackle a host of
important issues, including but not limited to the promotion of juvenile literacy, fighting to
halt the proliferation of offensively bourgeois china patterns, and preventing the shame and heartbreak that comes from
planting colorful perennials not suited to one's climate zone.
Mrs. Dick Cheney's star sign is Leo. She likes movies, Infusium 23 shampoo, postmodernist interpretive
dance, and playing second fiddle.
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