When describing First Lady Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura"), it is appropriate on countless levels to defer to
the superior psychophysical summary offered by her husband, President George W. Bush: "She doesn't try to
steal the limelight." Indeed, Mrs. Bush is in many ways most noteworthy for her intensely admirable inclination
to allow her husband to methodically overshadow each and every element of her unfortunately female being.
Such is the way and the path of a goodly Republican first lady.
As Peggy Noonan, the wordsmith for Ronald Reagan, the greatest man who ever lived (that didn't wind up
on a cross), once said, a First Lady should strive to be like the glistening, waxing moon. She neither
seeks nor has a light of her own. Instead, she is made happy by simply reflecting the shining example of
her Christian husband. She makes his luminance, no matter how seemingly faint, more visible to those who
walk along the path of life so often darkened by failed liberal social programs and uninsured children
who get sick too often.
Well, First Lady Nancy Reagan didn't listen to Peggy - but, in fairness, Mrs. Reagan didn't listen to
anyone who wasn't wielding a pack of tarot cards. Our current First Lady has listened to Peggy --
and to God. Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura") makes voters proud to be an American once again. Gone are the
days of pushy First Ladies, who speak when not spoken to - and leave their lovers for dead in Ft.
Marcy Park. The only cabinet Mrs. Bush concerns herself with is the red velvet-lined one in the
China Room. While Nancy Reagan bought extravagant place settings for that cabinet, only to have
Hillary Clinton later try to steal them in her U-Haul, Mrs. Bush II is replacing all the White
House china with service that reflects her more down-to-earth, right-of-center, no-muss-no-fuss
Texas values. "I want everything dishwasher-safe by 2003," Mrs. Bush told Alonzo Fields, the White
House butler, upon arriving in Washington DC in January of 2001. "And more shot glasses upstairs
in the residence."
With a plaintive face that seemed inspired by the dusty prairies of bucolic Texas, Laura Welch was born in
Midland, Texas on November 4, 1946. The daughter of a carpenter father and a housewife mother not unlike
Joseph and Mary themselves, Laura learned early to happily adhere to the traditional gender roles that
would one day make her an object of feverish desire for Stetson-wearing alpha males. A popular girl,
high school saw Laura blossom into an accomplished dancer and enthusiastic consumer of the fine,
life-affirming tobacco products of the RJ Reynolds Corporation. In the fall of 1963, Laura narrowly
averted a life of pointless obscurity, when she ran a stop sign and collided with another vehicle,
inflicting a fatal neck fracture on Mike Douglas, a then-serious boyfriend not genetically affiliated
with a burgeoning political dynasty.
Following the accident, fifteen years passed inconsequentially, until Laura made the acquaintance of her
destined betrothed – George W. Bush. Recalling her first impressions of the future Commander in Chief,
Laura told the Washington Post in March 2001, "I thought he was fun. I also thought he was really cute. George
is very fun. He's also slightly outrageous once in a while in a very funny and fun way and I found that a
lot of fun." Just over five weeks after meeting him, Laura accepted his fun proposal of marriage. Several years later,
Laura would reluctantly submit to marital congress with her husband, whose turbo-charged Future-President
seed would promptly deliver two hard-drinking Bush twins to her intensely fertile, all-American womb.
As only the second First Lady in history to hold a post-graduate degree, Mrs. Bush will spend the duration
of her husband's two terms in office resolutely focused on the politically non-volatile issue of juvenile
literacy. She will visit 237 primary and secondary schools, where she will deliver easily comprehensible
speeches extolling the virtues of reading. Occasionally, she will be photographed either holding or smiling
at one or more carefully pre-screened black children. Mrs. Bush is often joined in these exploits by Mrs.
Dick Cheney. Both are be managed and disciplined at White House, Inc. by Mrs. George H.W. Bush.
A Scorpio, Mrs. Bush's hobbies include reading, saying she reads, honoring and obeying her husband, playing
the role of a nurturing and supportive matriarch for her spirited twin daughters, keeping a detailed birding
journal, not aspiring to noteworthy achievements independent of her husband's, and self-administered
sassafras tea colonics.