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THE WHITE HOUSE
MRS. GEORGE W. BUSH ("Laura")






















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When describing First Lady Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura"), it is appropriate on countless levels to defer to the superior psychophysical summary offered by her husband, President George W. Bush: "She doesn't try to steal the limelight." Indeed, Mrs. Bush is in many ways most noteworthy for her intensely admirable inclination to allow her husband to methodically overshadow each and every element of her unfortunately female being. Such is the way and the path of a goodly Republican first lady.

As Peggy Noonan, the wordsmith for Ronald Reagan, the greatest man who ever lived (that didn't wind up on a cross), once said, a First Lady should strive to be like the glistening, waxing moon. She neither seeks nor has a light of her own. Instead, she is made happy by simply reflecting the shining example of her Christian husband. She makes his luminance, no matter how seemingly faint, more visible to those who walk along the path of life so often darkened by failed liberal social programs and uninsured children who get sick too often.

Well, First Lady Nancy Reagan didn't listen to Peggy - but, in fairness, Mrs. Reagan didn't listen to anyone who wasn't wielding a pack of tarot cards. Our current First Lady has listened to Peggy -- and to God. Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura") makes voters proud to be an American once again. Gone are the days of pushy First Ladies, who speak when not spoken to - and leave their lovers for dead in Ft. Marcy Park. The only cabinet Mrs. Bush concerns herself with is the red velvet-lined one in the China Room. While Nancy Reagan bought extravagant place settings for that cabinet, only to have Hillary Clinton later try to steal them in her U-Haul, Mrs. Bush II is replacing all the White House china with service that reflects her more down-to-earth, right-of-center, no-muss-no-fuss Texas values. "I want everything dishwasher-safe by 2003," Mrs. Bush told Alonzo Fields, the White House butler, upon arriving in Washington DC in January of 2001. "And more shot glasses upstairs in the residence."

With a plaintive face that seemed inspired by the dusty prairies of bucolic Texas, Laura Welch was born in Midland, Texas on November 4, 1946. The daughter of a carpenter father and a housewife mother not unlike Joseph and Mary themselves, Laura learned early to happily adhere to the traditional gender roles that would one day make her an object of feverish desire for Stetson-wearing alpha males. A popular girl, high school saw Laura blossom into an accomplished dancer and enthusiastic consumer of the fine, life-affirming tobacco products of the RJ Reynolds Corporation. In the fall of 1963, Laura narrowly averted a life of pointless obscurity, when she ran a stop sign and collided with another vehicle, inflicting a fatal neck fracture on Mike Douglas, a then-serious boyfriend not genetically affiliated with a burgeoning political dynasty.

Following the accident, fifteen years passed inconsequentially, until Laura made the acquaintance of her destined betrothed – George W. Bush. Recalling her first impressions of the future Commander in Chief, Laura told the Washington Post in March 2001, "I thought he was fun. I also thought he was really cute. George is very fun. He's also slightly outrageous once in a while in a very funny and fun way and I found that a lot of fun." Just over five weeks after meeting him, Laura accepted his fun proposal of marriage. Several years later, Laura would reluctantly submit to marital congress with her husband, whose turbo-charged Future-President seed would promptly deliver two hard-drinking Bush twins to her intensely fertile, all-American womb.

As only the second First Lady in history to hold a post-graduate degree, Mrs. Bush will spend the duration of her husband's two terms in office resolutely focused on the politically non-volatile issue of juvenile literacy. She will visit 237 primary and secondary schools, where she will deliver easily comprehensible speeches extolling the virtues of reading. Occasionally, she will be photographed either holding or smiling at one or more carefully pre-screened black children. Mrs. Bush is often joined in these exploits by Mrs. Dick Cheney. Both are be managed and disciplined at White House, Inc. by Mrs. George H.W. Bush.

A Scorpio, Mrs. Bush's hobbies include reading, saying she reads, honoring and obeying her husband, playing the role of a nurturing and supportive matriarch for her spirited twin daughters, keeping a detailed birding journal, not aspiring to noteworthy achievements independent of her husband's, and self-administered sassafras tea colonics.




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