George W. Bush is the 43rd President* of the United States of America. He brings a whole lifetime's experience of having
sprung from the loins of a long line of entitled millionaire politicians. A native of blue-blooded New Haven, Connecticut,
Mr. Bush was born July 6, 1946 to parents Barbara Pierce Bush and future President George H.W. Bush.
George W. would go on to spend much of His pre-pubescent youth in the Wild West frontier outpost of Midland, Texas, amassing stock in His father's
lucrative petroleum concerns, getting to know powerful family friends in Houston's buzz-killing criminal justice system,
and luxuriating in the local children's culture of homogeneity, plentiful assault rifles, and after-school cockfighting tournaments.
Patterning His life after His father's, Bush attended three of America's most exclusive institutions of higher learning. During
high school at wildly expensive, but in no way "elitist" Philips Andover Academy, Bush eschewed the effeminacy of reading and
study to throw himself more fully into the giddy world of male cheerleading. Later, at Yale, He fought a dogged campaign to
capture the presidency of the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity, from whose vomit-splattered basement He would pursue such scholarly
interests as the American History of Collegiate Hazing, foosball, and a blessedly short-lived engagement to Miss Cathryn Lee Wolfman,
who as the daughter of a Hell-bound Jew, was clearly unfit for conjugal service in a burgeoning political dynasty. In 1968, Bush
earned His bachelor's degree from Yale, graduating in the top 85% of His class.
During the utterly necessary Vietnam War, while so many of His leftist, America-hating peers took the path of least resistance –
passive conscription and recreational gook slaughter in the balmy, Agent Oranged jungles of Southeast Asia – Bush instead
bravely volunteered to jump to the front of the Texas Air National Guard wait list. There, His genetic predisposition to leadership was
quickly acknowledged with a fabulously rare special commission to 2nd Lieutenant, rightfully catapulting Him past the stiflingly
bureaucratic folly of Officer's Training School. A devoted patriot, Bush quickly mastered the controls of His obsolete F-102 "Delta Dagger"
fighter jet, dominating the skies of the Lone Star State's front lines and defending countless pregnant women and helpless kittens from
sorties of Eastern Airlines tactical "whisper jets." So exemplary was His militarism, in fact, Bush saw fit to reward Himself with a
12-month A.W.O.L. vacation prior to being granted a special honorable discharge in the fall of 1973.
Shortly thereafter, and despite having been rejected from the University of Texas Law School, Bush matriculated at the less selective
Harvard Business School, whose wizened administrators were capable of setting aside their egregiously discriminatory affirmative action
program to mine the alumni gold buried deep within His C-strewn Yale transcript. Bush would earn His M.B.A. in 1975, at which time He
would joyously bid His final farewell to the stifling, sissyish halls of the Ivy League. After ten booze-soaked years at citadels of
preppy privilege, so potent was your CEO's distaste for the preening East Coast arrogance of tweed-wearing, womanish academics, He
repudiated them by vowing to devote the rest of His life to speaking in a charming accent picked up while watching Roy Rogers films
and a touring company production of L'il Abner.
Returning to Texas, Bush spent the next fifteen years getting to know American voters by listening to their urgent, if somewhat slurred,
concerns, as delivered from orange velour barstools in many of Houston's most troubled honkytonks. To broaden His knowledge of the
domestic issue of business failures, He selflessly founded a succession of wholly unprofitable oil companies. This highly formative
period saw our leader aggressively leveraging His birthright to secure wave after wave of disposable financing from His father's
normally cautious investor friends. In 1990, restless in His role as a generously compensated director of the Harken Energy
Corporation, your preternaturally business-minded master had the visionary good sense to coincidentally unload nearly $1 million in
stock just days before its share price went into the proverbial pooper.
Flush with millions in wholly fortuitous, non-insider profits, Bush reveled for several years in His dream job as General Manager of
the Texas Rangers baseball franchise. Then in 1994, Bush ran for and was elected Governor of Texas, narrowly defeating the suspiciously
mannish and brassy Democratic incumbent Ann Richards, who once brazenly taunted Bush's father during a telecast of the 1988 Democratic
National Convention. Four years later, Bush would reaffirm His victory over the cheap-talking, leather-faced Richards – winning
27% of the colored vote and making Texas history as the first Governor elected to consecutive four-year terms.
Bush's impressive genealogy soon attracted the hungry attention of the Republican Party's more conservative leaders, who saw in Him an
exquisitely-named white male and super-absorbent ideological sponge who would generously act as a front for their eager plan to reclaim
control of the semen-stained Executive Branch. These political star-makers told Bush that His running mate would be the wizened Nixon
Administration veteran Richard B. "Dick" Cheney, a man famous among Washington DC dinner table companions for his ability to drink a
glass of water while quoting Hermann Göring out of the side of his mouth. With the endorsement of all of their party's most influential
extremists, the Bush/Cheney ticket went on to win a mandate-inducing, landslide 5-4 vote in the 2000 elections.
Today, as the first Born-Again Christian President to be convicted of drunk driving, President Bush is devoted
to addressing crime deterrence with the same common-sense mass executions that proved so effective during His
stewardship of the great nation of Texas. A man of the people, President Bush fights hard to ensure that
America's hard-earned tax dollars will be returned to them in maximum annual increments of $300, or else
promptly disseminated to those Judeo-Christian institutions whose leaders wander Washington's corridors of
power. President Bush champions bold initiatives to ensure that America's prosperity remains focused on
those whose familial ties have already rendered them so rightfully prosperous, and He will work
hard to impress upon our nation's seniors a lexicon that facilitates the interpretation that He would never
imperil Social Security or Medicare. He is committed to strengthening and modernizing America's military through spreading
it paper-thin across the face of the earth, developing super-cool rayguns and space beams.
A Cancer, President Bush is married to Mrs. George W. Bush ("Laura"), a former teacher
and librarian who devotedly toiled in our nation's Godless and dangerous public schools for almost two interminable years until she
could ensnare an affluent husband. The Bush family also includes two twin daughters (Jenna and the other one), two dogs (Spotty and
Barney), a cat (India), and an armadillo (Wetback).