With nearly twenty years of White House experience under his belt, Chairman George H.W. Bush (41) is proud to carry the
vast wisdom and connections he amassed during his own presidency into this, the uncertain new global theatre of the 21st century.
41 was born June 12, 1925 in Milton, Massachusetts to parents Dorothy and Prescott, the latter a US Senator-to-be and an industrious
war profiteer. George's early years were typical, happy, all-American ones, filled with horses, nannies, silver spoons, and
patriotic Sundays at the country club. Adolescence would see George Herbert matriculate at the prestigious Phillips Andover
Academy, where he would make a reputation for himself as an accomplished baseball player, cha-cha dancer, and Texan impersonator.
On his 18th birthday, 41 enlisted in the Navy, becoming the youngest pilot ever to receive his wings. Among his ensuing 58 combat
missions against the reviled Japs was one in which he was famously shot down over the Pacific. Adrift and alone on the open sea for
six days, Bush killed and ate five great white sharks with his bare hands before sneaking aboard an enemy submarine, bludgeoning
the entire Godless crew to death, and taking command of the asphyxiatingly soy-scented vessel. He was closing in on Tokyo to
ritually disembowel the Emperor when he heard the glorious news of the atomic bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki that ended
Returning to America a decorated hero, 41 wasted no time in marrying his Teamster uncle's doppelgänger, First Lady Barbara
Pierce, on whose signature strand of oversized faux pearls he could not help but feverishly nibble like a ravenous coyote. Soon
after, his newly blushing bride engorged with child, Bush would claim his birthright: a Yale University undergraduate education.
It was in New Haven, in the mahogany-paneled legacy citadel called Davenport College, where Bush would be tapped to join "Skull
and Bones." Members of this benevolent charity organization pledge on their immortal souls to honor their secret club over
both God and country, and to help one another through life's rough spots – from failed IPO's and depressed per-barrel prices, to
immigrant laborer strikes and unrequited nepotism.
Rolling up his sleeves after Yale, President Bush moved to Texas and successfully hand-drilled for reliable energy sources when
not skulking for the CIA. Having grown tired of the monotony of wealth and privilege and wishing to put an end to nightly
hectoring by his political father over the phone, Bush announced a run for the US House of Representatives in 1967. There,
he excelled at striking legislative blows against communism, the meddlesome public accommodations provision of the 1964 Civil
Rights Act, and disregarding the acid-drenched whining of a rising generation of long-haired sodomites. In 1970, Mr. Bush
suffered an unacceptable loss in a race for the Senate to slick and oily Lloyd M. Bentsen, Jr, for which complete revenge remains
to be fully exacted.
In 1980, impressed with Bush's wholly accurate declaration that nuclear wars are completely winnable, Ronald Reagan enthusiastically
tapped 41 to join him in his victorious Presidential bid against the Ayatollah-rimming James Earl Carter. Despite the best efforts
of John F. Hinkley, Jr., Bush would remain as Vice President from 1981 to 1989, during which time he and Reagan would snatch America
back from the jaws of progressive thinking. In the process, they would expand the federal bureaucracy to Democratic wet-dream
proportions, then magically run it on "Budget Deficit Dollars," thereby turning an over-regulated welfare state into a corporate-friendly,
tax-free wonderland and saving the livelihoods of tens of dozens of affluent Children of the Revolution.
Successfully winning twice with Mr. Reagan, Mr. Bush had learned a valuable lesson about American politics: voters are more likely
to elect you if you are running with someone good looking. Therefore, he ordered his campaign committee to scour the nation's
golf courses for a hot looking, but not too tall Ken Doll unfettered by the burden of ideas. And so, with the absolutely, positively,
not-Downs-afflicted J. Danforth Quayle at his side in 1988, Bush would run election night circles around the nasal-voiced Greek
dwarf Michael Dukakis, assume the Presidency of the United States, and finally get to dropkick the imperious Nancy Reagan through
a Pennsylvania Avenue manhole.
Over the next four years, Bush would both topple communism and forever guarantee the loyalty of a little-known Muslamian colony
called "Kuwait." But despite wildly high approval ratings, and thanks solely to the putrid economic seeds sown by tax-and-spend
liberal Jimmy Carter twelve years earlier, a recession took root, which people had the ungrateful gall to point out.
Determined to teach the voters a lesson on how bad things could get under the malaise of a Democratic president's economic
policies, Bush took the responsible route and did nothing. Furthermore, having grown tired of needing to constantly dry clean
her blue dress with white polka dots for formal occasions, Barbara Bush began to lovingly berate and badger her husband to move
back to Houston. Mr. Bush's retort of, "Read my Lips. No more Texas!" was misconstrued by inattentive journalists and ultimately
ignored by Mrs. Bush. Yet in the end, purely out of admiration for his lovely wife, President Bush voluntarily stepped down from
power in 1992, inadvertently triggering the complete moral collapse of our Christian nation.
Eight years later, enraged by the dangerous riptides of peace and prosperity sweeping away innocent Americans, the Lord called
Bush out of the Carlyle Group for a triumphant return to the White House (accompanied by his Prodigal son, George W.). The
President, well rested, has shown himself eager to tackle new challenges, including the recently-invigorated Arabiac and Soviet
menaces and a foolhardy national preoccupation with the myth of "energy conservation."
Chairman Bush is a Gemini. He likes movies without hanky panky, foreign policy, pink lemonade on a hot day, speed golf, and
scolding Jewish reporters.