United States Department of Faith
Salvation Legislation Bill
United States Congress
Title: "The Salvation Security Act" is a bill intended to save all natural born or naturalized Americans (unless they are Mexicans who snuck in and are, therefore, exempt from honoring immigration laws applicable to everyone else) (hereinafter "Real Americans") from the eternal fires of certain damnation at the hands of the Lord who loves them (hereinafter "SS Act"). The SS Act will allow Congress to monitor, catalogue, and track all Real Americans who fail to attend churches that patriotically honor the Bible-believing principles upon which the United States of America was founded or otherwise, by omission or commission, fail to sufficiently flatter the Lord Jesus Christ to the point thereby that it is a legal certainty (provable in an court of law using the "preponderance of the evidence" not "beyond a reasonable doubt" standard) that the Lord Jesus will throw said Real American into the sulfurous pits of an everlasting Hell (hereinafter "Deserved Destiny").
Preamble: Being so that it is perfectly clear that religious zealots (of the non-Christian persuasion) were allowed to attack America on September 11, 2001 because the previous non-Christian administration was too busy being orally pleasured by sundry hussies and harlots, thereby allowing non-Christians in every conceivable position of power (whether under the Oval Office desk or elsewhere) to propagate a national illusion of secular security obtained without the active or willing assistance of anyone living in the sky (hereinafter "Godless State"). It is a historical fact that the United States was founded on Bible-based Christian principles, including, but not limited to, a loathing of witches, and all recent causes of unrest, death and downward stock prices have and are being caused by a gloating, homosexual tap-dancer named Lucifer made bold by said rejection and/or neglect of those Godly principles. It is hereby noted that a mandatory and immediate return to those Christian principles practiced by our Founding Fathers (hereinafter "Puritans") should be the nation's most urgent priority.
Section 1: The United States Department of Faith shall use each decennial Census to catalogue and record Real Americans who neglect to use a number 2 pencil to fill in the circle next to "Southern Baptist" as their religion. This information shall within 60 days of completion of said applicable census be fed by scan-tron into the National Law Enforcement Database and the list of all Americans who have, in the stated manner, failed to exhibit sufficient faith to entitle them to salvation shall be made available to all municipal and city police departments, employers, restaurants and department stores (this list shall hereinafter be referred to as "Unsaved").
Section 2: The Department of Faith will use $8 billion, said funds previously squandered on keeping old people breathing long after they are either attractive or useful, to work with local pastors and Christian police officers to monitor, approach, and inform these Unsaved of the 45 day (from the date of ratification of SS Act, to be extended if the last day falls on a bank holiday, but NOT on a Sunday) grace period in which to repent, fall to their knees and accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior (hereinafter "Grace Period"). This Grace Period shall be tolled if Unsaved falls into a religious trance, a coma or otherwise becomes medically without the capacity to think. Conclusive and irrefutable evidence of an inability to think shall be the joining of one of the following cults: Jehovah's Witness, Scientology, Latter Day Saints, Branch Davidians or Methodists.
Section 3: Once the Grace Period for repentance has expired, the Unsaved will be given 10 business days to relocate to a country that doesn't mind having its values spit upon. During the 10-day relocation period, the Unsaved's assets will be frozen and their bank and investment accounts and credit limit(s) on Visa, Master Card, American Express, Dinner's Card and Discover (hereinafter "Unsaved Savings") will be reduced to a cumulative total of $200 or the value of a Greyhound one-way bus ticket to Canada or Mexico, whichever is less. After the 10-day relocation period, Unsaved Savings will be transferred to the Department of Faith to defray the costs of erecting clothed likenesses of the Lord Jesus Christ holding a sexagonal red "Stop and Pray" sign on every intersection in America. Any Unsaved identified by barcode tattoo scan, or simply a phone call from a concerned neighbor or passing car, will be dealt with as seen fit within the unbridled discretion of the Attorney General to have them put down or otherwise inconvenienced. As matters of national security are deemed ipso facto to be involved in such cases, issues of the so-called "cruelness" or even "unusualness" of any chosen punishment shall be wholly irrelevant. Further, it shall be recognized by any court of competent jurisdiction that, as a matter of law, any such objection will only be raised by those who are a present and certain security risk to our nation and all who love her and are in need of a minimum jail sentence of no less than 15 years.
Section 4: The President of the United States will have the right to deploy the National Guard, Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, CIA or other operatives too secret to mention herein (hereinafter collectively referred to as "Enforcers") in the event that this bill cannot be peacefully enforced, but such deployment must be ratified by two thirds of the Presidential Prayer Squad within 10 days of deployment or the Enforcers must be withdrawn within 135 days (said 135 days may be extended by a public or nonpublic Executive Order).
Section 5: This Bill will be effective immediately. Unsaved are hereby notified that America has reloaded and Unsaved have 55 days to be in a country that doesn't mind harboring atheistic scum. Unsaved are also reminded that while there is a slim chance that they may evade the jurisdiction of American courts, they shall not avoid being called before the White Throne of Judgment, before which they shall have no right to an attorney or even a drink of water.