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For Immediate Release - United States Department of Faith - May 3, 2002 - 1:42 P.M. (EST)


"God bless you in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord!"

This official Department of Faith announcement is intended to eliminate any confusion American citizens might be experiencing regarding the President's (America's) stand on Israel. Since electing George W. Bush as our President for the next four (God willing, eight) years, our nation has come to expect that none of his International Policy decisions are made without a cursory review of relevant Biblical Prophecies. The President is a True Christian®, and that's just what True Christians® do before they make any life decision. Whether it be deciding which kind of toilet paper to buy or how long to wait around while Ariel Sharon fertilizes the gardens of gated West Bank Jewish communities with Palestinian body parts donated by Yasser Afarat's harem of pyromaniacs, President Bush looks always to his cloud-dwelling messiah for guidance.

Since the President's busy schedule and short attention span do not permit him to read many books, he often turns to advice from True Christian® leaders like Bob Jones and Dr. Jerry Falwell. And when he is seeking inspiration in making decisions that impact the lives of countless millions of people, rare is the day that he does not pick up a Chick Tract (which is a quick read), or eagerly pop in one of his favorite Christian Contemporary music videos.

The President insists that all Americans peruse and purchase the items listed below (placed here by his order) to familiarize themselves with the evolution of our nation's policy concerning Israel.

"Israel, Islam and Armageddon" The Video! Produced by David Hunt.
Why this video?
Last Tuesday, the President was speaking with Secretary of State Colin Powell. He remarked, "Did you know that Jerusalem is mentioned nearly 800 times in the Bible?" Colin replied, "I learned in Sunday School that the Jews are prophesied to play a key role in world destiny." Mr. Bush went on, "My dad's friend, Dr. Jerry Falwell says that the Antichrist is probably going to be a Jewish guy who is going to lead the world's armies to destroy Israel." "Is that so?" said Secretary Powell. "It sure is," said President Bush. "You've got to check out this new video. It's part of the reason I sent you globe-trotting before I decided it was okay for you to go to Israel last month."
"Beware It's Coming: The Antichrist 666" (large print edition)
Why this book?
"I read this book to Bushie every night before he went to sleep," says First Lady Laura Bush. "He had nightmares for a month." The President passed the book along to Vice President Dick Cheney, who suffered his third heart attack halfway through the first chapter.
Rapture (The Video) - Starring: Mimi Rogers and David Duchovny
Why this video?
"Well, it's got some plain old Bible truth in it," says President Bush, "Lara helps me fast forward it whenever Mimi Rogers takes off her top. That's the only part about the movie that she says we don't like."
"Left Behind" - by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins (The whole darn series!)
Why this book?
The President is known to keep a copy of book Left Behind on him at all times. "George has read the entire Left Behind series nearly all the way through almost one time," says First Lady, Laura Bush. "He's seen the video about 20 times, and he is eagerly awaiting the release of the 9th book in the series before he decides what to do next concerning Israel." The President himself commented, "I believe there is something in that book that Jesus wants me to read, and I don't want to go off half-cocked taking advice from some so-called advisor before I find out what Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins have to say."

The President believes that God is going to use America in a mighty way during some terrible times to come. He comments, "I believe we are living in the last days, and it's just exciting to be the first President who might be around to see the real live Antichrist pop up somewhere, before Jesus raptures me out of here and all Hell breaks loose. I don't want to hide my light under a bushel, so let's get folks saved and help them understand what they should believe before its too late."


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